TITLE: Carpe Diem AUTHOR: phoenix99 CATAGORY: MSR, un peu de ANGST, ummm yeah RATED: R for swearing and 'adult situations' ...heh heh heh. SUMMARY: some worrying done by Mulder, Scully gets happy and then Mulder is happy too. ARCHIVE: sure wherever DISCLAIMER: Not mine, Not making money for this or otherwise. ha ha ha. FEEDBACK: xphoenix99@hotmail.com NOTES: I wrote this really fast, it just kinda happened. And it also mutated from what I had originally planed. This is my first ummm, happy fic... I guess I could call it that. All my others were sad, or upsetting. This one is not. At least I don't think it is... no it isn't, I'm sure of it. X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X Mulder sat on his couch. He wasn't slouched or relaxed, but was sitting up perfectly straight. He sat very still and the only noticeable movements were the rapid breaths he took and the sudden twitches of his hands against the sides of his legs where they lay. The air around him was filled with a nervous tension, and the silence that permeated the apartment only magnified it. He broke the unnatural absence of sound in the room when he raised his left wrist to glance at his watch. *I still have time....* He dropped his hand back down onto the smooth leather exterior of the couch and resumed his pondering. His gaze came down onto the ring of keys sitting on the coffee table. *I could drive there... could get it before she found it....* His eyes shifted to stare at his cell phone which lay beside it. *I could phone her... if I asked her not to read it... she wouldn't... if I asked her....* He grabbed for the phone. Pushing the speed dial, he brought it to his ear. It rang once before his partner's voice came across the clear connection. "Scully." He paused, not sure of what to say or if he wanted to say it. "Hello?" Her voice sounded slightly annoyed and it sent him into action. "Hey." His voice sounded odd to his own ears and he wondered if she noticed it. "Mulder? I thought you had a dentist appointment...?" Oops.... "Uhh, I did... but it was canceled." There was a pause and he listened to the silence carefully, trying to judge if she saw through his lie. *I shouldn't have to lie... just ask her to go do something for me then I can drive to her place and fix everything....* He glanced at his keys again, which seemed to taunt him from the table. *I should have driven....* "Oh...." He could hear the puzzlement in her voice, "well, is there something wrong?" she asked, her voice changing, showing an edge of concern. Now that was the $60,000 question. Was something wrong? He wasn't sure. "Mulder?" "Ummm...?" "Look, I'm going home to do some things, then I'll come over later with dinner and we can look over that new case Skinner gave us today... like around six?" *No, wait, that's not good....* "But Scully...." "Mulder, if you really want to say something, say it." *Last chance, tell her or let it lie.* "Uhh, nevermind... that would be great." There was another pause on the other end of the line. "Mulder are you all right?" "Yeah, yeah. I'll see you in a bit?" "Sure." "Ok." ~Click~ The phone hung loosely at his ear and he listened to the dial tone for an undetermined amount of time. Finally he pushed the end button, and let his arm flop heavily onto the couch. "Shit!" he swore at his empty apartment. Nothing like expressing your mood by swearing. But that was all he could do. He'd been given the chance to stop this, but he hadn't. He was afraid now. At least that's what he thought. His stomach was fluttering and he placed a hand over it in hopes that he could hold off its rebellion. He was tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. That's why he had done it. He didn't want to play around anymore. He didn't want to guess at what she was thinking, didn't want to feel unsure. He wanted confirmation; he needed it. The innuendo, the touches, the glances, the cold looks, the arguments, the comfortable conversations, the jokes, the guilt and sadness; he could no longer accept any of it without knowing. He had tried to tell her, tried to give hints, but it seemed that neither of them would risk the first step in facing each other. He had thought these things a thousand times. They crept up on him all the time. At any instant. And today in the office, joking about the suit that Skinner had been wearing earlier, hadn't been any different. Mulder felt he couldn't take it anymore. And the kiss at New Years. He didn't know what to think. She had been happy, he had been happy, he had ruined the moment, she had looked disappointed, he'd felt like shit and so on. Fuck his degree in psychology... fuck it. He didn't know what was happening and this state of limbo they were in felt like it had been going on for more years than they'd been partners. So he had done this. He felt like swearing some more, but he didn't. The need to do it had hit him in the office that day and had kept him moving around nervously for hours. She'd sat there innocently as he'd struggled with emotions that seemed unusually strong. He'd left the office without more than a cheap excuse. Now all he could do was wait. He sat very still again, thinking about where Scully would be, trying to gauge her movements. Closing his eyes he imagined how long it would take her to drive home, then he pictured her parking her car, walking toward her building. He became absorbed in his reverie, playing it in his mind like a movie. He watched her reach into her pocket for her key, pull them out and slip one into the door, push it open, then look down at the envelope that lay at her feet. Consumed by his daydreaming, he didn't feel the phone slip from his hand or hear it clatter loudly onto the wood floor. His only thoughts were of Scully. X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X Scully pushed the door open, and entered her inviting apartment. The door clicked shut behind her and, when she turned around, she noticed a plain white envelope sitting on the floor in front of her. Setting down the briefcase, she picked it up and ran her hands over the smooth surface. Her name was written in plain black pen on the front. It was Mulder's writing. *This is why he phoned me.* Slipping off her boots, she held the envelope up to the light. Only paper. Well, what more was she expecting? She had the strangest feeling and it followed her as she walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. She watched the envelope carefully, trying to sort out the odd mixture of anxiousness and excitement gathering inside her. She reached for it, but quickly changed her mind and pushed herself away from the table. Leaving the kitchen all together, she finished the routine she normally followed after work. She removed her coat and hung it up near the door; she checked her messages, then made her way to her bedroom. She changed into a comfortable pair of baggy jeans and navy blue v-neck tee shirt. Through all of it, she couldn't stop replaying the phone conversation she'd had with Mulder on her way home. He must have come here after work.... He obviously hadn't had a dentist appointment. So why had he called? Maybe he wanted to tell me not to open the envelope.... Realizing she could no longer avoid it and that she would be seeing him that night, Scully pushed herself off the bed and practically ran into the kitchen. She grabbed the envelope and tore the end off. Turning it upside down produced a piece of folded lined paper. Discarding the envelope, she cautiously opened the paper and began to read the curving scrawl that was Mulder's. "Scully, "I decided to write you because I am a coward and, whenever we try to talk, it is either the wrong time or we are interrupted. I need you to know what I am about to say, and understand that it's the truth. I felt this was the best way to do this. No more guessing. No more wondering or uncertainty. "I can no longer go on pretending everything is fine. "Everyday you come to work, I want to hold you. Everyday day I want to kiss you, but I'm so scared. I am so afraid of rejection and of losing the working relationship we have. But I can't do this anymore. Can't pretend I'm not in love with you, because I am. Can't pretend I don't want you, because I do. I try to show you, I try to say it, but it always seems to backfire. There have been moments when I thought I knew exactly where we stood, but I don't. "I need to know where we stand, Scully. If you don't share my feelings, I'm sorry for putting you through this. If you never mention this note, I'll understand and assume you don't want to acknowledge this. But that will not change how I feel, nor will it change how much I need you with me. "Always, Mulder" She hadn't realized she had been murmuring the words out loud, as if that would make them anymore real then they already were. And when the note slipped from her hand, she didn't care. She sat unsteadily into the closest chair, and her hands went to her face. Her tears were trickling down her face, but her lips were turned upward in a secret smile. She could not remember having ever felt this happy before. X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X *Dammit.* He glanced nervously at his watch. *6:18. She isn't coming.* *She read the note, and now she isn't coming.* He hadn't moved much from his spot on the couch, except to use the bathroom and he'd felt the need to clean up some of his crap in case she did show up. But that had been an eternity ago and now he sat again, fidgeting and unsure. His fluttering stomach had been a constant companion since he'd left the envelope at her apartment earlier. Now, however, it felt like the butterflies were tired of just flying around his stomach. Now they were hungry and he was sure he could feel them gnawing away at his insides. Three knocks at the door ripped him out of his self-loathing mood and sent him rushing to the door, powered by one thought: *Oh my god it's Scully....* But his haste suddenly froze and he stood unsure on the threshold. He squinted through the peephole, but her expression was too hard to make out. With a deep breath, he opened the door and, the next thing he knew, he was on the ground. His momentary surprise was quickly replaced by sheer amazement when he felt the lips of the petite redhead who was attacking him latch onto his mouth. He kicked at the door and sent it slamming shut, not wanting the neighbors to get an eyeful. When the kiss broke, they were both gasping for some much-needed oxygen and grinning stupidly at each other. "I... I wasn't sure if you'd come," he gasped between breaths. "I'm not that easy and geez, Mulder, you're not that good." Scully snickered. Mulder gaped at her before he could contain his laughter. While she was distracted, Mulder flipped them over so she was pinned beneath him. "So, I'm guessing by the way you attacked me and the way you're teasing me with innuendo, Agent Scully, that you got my note." "I suppose I did, Agent Mulder." Mulder's expression faltered a bit, as if he were unsure. Scully almost started laughing harder. "And what is the verdict?" he asked hopefully. "Well, first of all, I should be allowed to smack you around a bit since you're even asking me, or I could show you in a much more enjoyable way that the feelings are mutual." They both smiled and met for another kiss which lasted longer than the first. Their hands were beginning to roam and Mulder's jacket was already pulled half way off one arm. He pulled away and they locked gazes. "Say it.... Could you say it for me, Scully?" She smiled at him, a rare toothy smile. "I love you, Mulder." She kissed him again, "very much.... And what you did today was the sweetest, most honest thing anyone has ever done for me. You are not a coward. You are the bravest and the most beautiful in mind, soul and body of anyone I have ever met." Mulder nuzzled his face against her shoulder as he began to kiss his way along her neck. "Love you so much Scully," he said as he continued his explorations and she laced one of her hands through his soft hair. At one point he paused. "What took you so long to get here? You had me practically committing hari-kari" he mumbled against her soft skin between kisses. "Well," she gasped as he began to suck on the pulse point on her neck, "I thought if I left you hanging for a bit, it would be more interesting...." She had an evil grin on her face when he looked up at her. "Ohhh, you're an evil woman," he whispered as he gave her a nip and she squirmed beneath him. Mulder quickly shook off his jacket, which was at the moment more like a straight jacket, wrapped his hands under Scully's arms and lifted her off the floor. He then proceeded as fast as he could toward his bedroom. Scully yelped in surprise as he basically flung her over his shoulder like a caveman, which made her laugh harder than she already was. "Do I have the feeling that it's going to be a long night?" Scully asked, sounding drunkenly giddy from her halfway position on Mulder's shoulder. Mulder smiled. "Who said anything about just tonight being long?" END X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X And we all now what follows, right? heh heh heh...