Title: Waltzing Down the Fair Weather Highway (4 of ?) Author: phoenix99 **information is contained in the first part** X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X He wasn't awake when I entered his room. I had spoken to one of his doctors and they had said he was stable enough to move into Recovery. My normally confident walk was somewhat dragging from my exhaustion. I shook my head slightly, trying to rid my mind of any questionable thoughts so I could regain the control and composure I would need. He probably won't ask me right away what happened, he'll be too tired. Yes, too tired. I opened the door to his room and walked in. I pulled up a chair beside the bed. I hadn't yet looked at him; I had kept my eyes on the floor. I took a deep breath, and looked up. The blanket that covered him was pulled up to his chest, his arms lying at his sides. I watched his chest rise and fall with slow certainty. My gaze shifted to his face which was covered in a relaxed, blank expression that always accompanies sleep. His hair was mussed, and I recognized his familiar five o'clock shadow. He was so still, unmoving, the only thing reassuring me of his continued life was the rhythmic bleep of the heart monitor. How long would that heart beat? As long as mine? Longer? His hand shifted. I slipped out of my trance, and focused on Mulder's sleeping form. I had asked Skinner and Mrs. Mulder to give me a few minutes with him when he woke up. They were in the waiting room just down the hall. I just needed to be alone with him for a bit, make sure he was alright. He'll be too drugged to ask any major questions. And if he does, he probably won't remember my answers. Drugs affect perception and memory. I know he also won't ask me anything infront of anyone else. After this we may not have much privacy for a bit, that should give me some time. Time to think. My eyes move down his body and come to rest on his stomach. If I deny I said anything to him in that factory, would he call me on it? If he doesn't even remember it at all maybe I should just say nothing. Ignorance is bliss, right? No, not this. I will not keep this from him, but how do you tell or even explain something like this with out coming off as crazy? -oh, by the way, I told you not to look at death when he came for you and as a result Diana is dead and you may be immortal just like me...- ... So if he does ask, I'll tell him. I'll tell him everything I know and he can judge it's merit. Whether he says 'Scully you're full of shit' or 'I'm so glad I'm spending eternity with you...' well, at least I will have told him... whatever the answer may be. Maybe I'm just overreacting. This could all be an instance of me in my desperation for life, having so many near death experiences myself, I end up envying Fellig's supposed immortality to the point of believing that I am in fact immortal and that I have opened this 'Pandora's box' for my partner as well. For some reason this perfectly logical explanation doesn't quell my wrangled psyche. With new resolve, and my decision to tell Mulder my dirty little secret made, I relax slightly. "Mulder, why are our lives so messed up?" I wasn't expecting an answer, so was when all I heard was his continued soft breaths, I wasn't disappointed. "Maybe it's fate, right?" Nothing. Becoming slight bored with my conversation with someone who was quite obviously unconscious, I pick up Mulder's heavy hand and place it in my own. I glance up at his face, and finding no change, I look back down at our joined hands. I'm absent mindedly back of his. He has strong, gentle hands. My gaze drifts to his ring finger. Dreaming the daydreams that many unmarried women do. I just stare at it; bare and naked looking. It's not as if we could marry anyone other than ourselves... God knows other people wouldn't understand the shit we've endured. But what triggers my despair is that I can't see that far ahead into our future. I can't see the end of our quest or us married. I can't see us as anything, because if I do, and something happens...then what? Move on? No, not with everything that has happened. I feel tears come to my eyes and I am automatically ashamed. I look down at my lap and quickly let go of Mulder's hand to wipe my eyes. "oomph" I quickly jerk my head up to see an obvious expression of annoyance on Mulder's face. "Mulder?" He doesn't open his eyes, but turns his head slightly towards me. "Becoming more aquatinted with my hand Scully?" At first I am startled at how coherent his speech sounds, and although his voice if rough and slightly slurred, I smile at the familiar hint of playfulness I hear. "How are you feeling?" He makes another grunting noise as he shifts slightly. "Like... I've been shot." He opens his eyes slightly and I try to smile at him. The sudden rush of guilt I feel is so unexpected I almost throw up. I had been so afraid of what I had done that I had forgotten why it had happened in the first place. I should have been there, not Diana. It wouldn't have happened if I had been there... Who am I kidding? Of course it would have. I can tell by Mulder's expression that he has already guessed what I have been thinking. "Scully, stop.. blaming yourself...it's not your fault" "But Mulder, if I had... " "It probably wouldn't have changed anything..." I sighed. I wouldn't argue with him. It was futile, and would only get him all hot and bothered. There were a few moments of silence. I thought maybe I was right about him being too drugged to ask anything and thought maybe this would be a good time to get Skinner and his mother. But underneath it was obviously just another ploy of mine to get out of having to tell him anything. I stood up from my chair, which immediately got Mulder's attention. "Mulder, Skinner and your mom are waiting just outside... I should tell them you're awake..." "Wait, Scully, I need to talk to you." I tensed; stood a moment longer until I realized he wouldn't continue until I sat back down. I returned to my seat and sat on the edge as if I could run when I thought the conversation looked like it might be heading in a bad direction. "Relax Scully, stay awhile.. you look about ready to bolt." I had no forthcoming answer, so he continued his slightly slurred inquiry. "Scully, I need you to tell me what happened. I don't want to have to ask Skinner or anyone else. I'd really like to hear it from you." I was now facing the decision which I had already thought I had made. But I was second guessing myself so I quickly reviewed my options. I could: a) Tell him everything that happened, including my little trip to the morgue. or b) Tell him the diluted, slightly more brief version. If I choose a) Mulder might look at me funny, laugh at me or well, he might believe me. Whatever his reaction is, it might turn out that he forgets everything I'd said to him because of the drugs, then he would end up asking me to explain it again. Which is something that I'd like to avoid. If I choose b) two things could happen. He could call me on the parts I left out, which would be closely followed by the 'why would you keep something like that from me...' speech. Or, he could except it as fact, and I would feel guilty for the rest of my life... whatever that entails. OR I could... c) delay. Yes, delay gets the final vote. "Mulder," I lay my hand back over his, "I'll tell you what happened, but only the 'reader's digest' version. You need to rest before I give you the 'one thousand page novel version'. Ok?" He seemed to consider my offer for a moment, then he looked as though he would refuse, but before he could protest, he yawned, grimacing at the pain it caused. Obviously unhappy with his lack of control he slowly nodded in agreement. "Alright, 'reader's digest' version, but I'm expecting a full report tomorrow." "Fine," it comes out as a sigh. I shifted nervously in my chair, then looked into his expectant face, "You remember facing off in the factory with Mathews?" He nodded. "Well, you were shot in the stomach, I came in at that moment and shot Mathews. Agent Manson went to get help while I... attended to you..." I paused then quickly added, "Diana was also killed in the incident." His expression remained neutral, as he thought about that for a moment then answered, "I don't remember hearing another gunshot." He was looking at me curiously. Damn. I recognized that look. He already could tell I was leaving out details. Details I was not forth coming with, which he immediately became suspicious of. I was so bad at this. And he knew it. He was about to start his little interrogation by not asking me direct questions about how she died or what happened, but by dancing around the real reasons until I get careless and slip up; telling him everything. He was watching my reactions to his questions closely for his next clue. "She wasn't shot Mulder." "What?" "She just... I don't know Mulder. She just died, after you where shot. They've done an autopsy, and they couldn't find a cause of death." "You should redo the autopsy. I'm sure you'd find something." "I already asked." "And?" I hesitated. Just than a nurse came in. She didn't knock, just came bounding into the room, startling both me and Mulder. Inadvertently saving me and pissing Mulder off to the point that I could hear him swearing under his breath. "Oh, Mr. Mulder you're awake. How are you feeling?" Mulder gave me his 'this isn't over' look, then focused on the nurse who was dancing around him and the equipment he was hooked up to. My attention drifted away from Mulder, who was politely humouring the nurse, to Skinner and Mulder's mom, who were entering the room. It looked like I was spared for the moment. The nurse was now showing Mulder his new toy. "...This is hooked up to your pain killers, so if you are feeling any discomfort just click the button on the top of this thing here that looks like a pen...here.. *click-click*...see? The medication flows intravenously, so you don't have to worry about needles. Now, don't try to click it repeatedly because you'll just be wasting your time. The machine is on a timer so continuous clicking will not get you high." Mulder was inspecting the new contraption he had been presented with bland interest. "Wow. Medical wonders never cease to amaze me." The nurse smiled. "Your doctor will be in to check you out soon, then you should try to get some rest." She marked something on his chart, then left. Mulder's mom was by his bedside and Skinner was hovering a the foot of the bed awkwardly. "Fox? How are you feeling." "As well as can be expected, I guess." I was getting up to leave, wanting to give Mulder and his mom some privacy, when Skinner asked me aside. "We need a statement to file in the report on what happened. They said that you could wait until tomorrow considering the chaos that today has been." "Alright, Sir." I was turning to leave when he spoke again. "And Scully, I think you should stay away from the morgue and the Hover building until the hearing." "Yes, Sir." And I left to get my coffee. I didn't return for another ten minutes. I just didn't feel comfortable around Mulder's mom, and Skinner seemed to know all about my little visit to Diana. When I got back to Mulder's room I noticed Mulder's doctor had been in to see him and that he was already walking down the hall, continuing his rounds. Skinner and Mulder's mom seemed to have left also. Mulder was channel surfing on the TV that was attached to the ceiling. Before I could ask him what the doctor had said and where Skinner and his Mom had gone, he spoke. "Skinner told me." I froze. "Told you what?" He looked away from the TV, his eyes shifting in my direction. "Well, don't worry, it's not whatever it is that you've been trying to avoid telling me," he paused, noting my reaction, then continued, "he said there was going to be a OPR hearing next week, and that you would do the honours of telling me what about , because he had to leave to go to a meeting. Although I'm guessing it has to do with Diana's death?" I set my coffee on his night stand and sat down in my chair, which was still pushed up beside his bed. "They want to know why she died and why it happened at that moment. We were the only other people in the room with her when she died, and you were in no condition..." "They think you did it?" "Skinner says he doesn't think so, but it had crossed my mind." "What do you think killed her?" "Honestly Mulder, I really couldn't tell you." I wasn't exactly lying to him. I really don't know *what* killed her. He was still for second then turned back to the TV. He started flipping channels again. I was feeling rather rejected until he spoke again. Although, not the words I was expecting. "The nurse said I'm doing really well. That I'm making the fastest recovery she has ever seen." My response was automatic. "Mulder, I doubt that she could make any kind of assumption about your recovery since you've only been out of surgery for four hours." He didn't respond, but instead stopped on the Discovery Channel and preceded to watch a documentary on the decline and slow rising numbers of Hawaii's national bird. Fascinating. "Mulder you're suppose to get some sleep." I could see him trying not to yawn. He failed, resulting in the twisting and mangling of his features. Enough that I laughed slightly. Which made him smile and it seemed to lighten the mood considerably. "Yeah, I know... But since they seem to be leaving my medication up to me, maybe I can just watch TV instead of having to be doped up all the time." "I'm not leaving until I know that you're asleep and not causing everyone trouble." "Really?" I gave him the eyebrow and he reluctantly picked up the pen-like object and clicked it once. "Mulder?" "Yeah?" "I'm sorry about Diana... I know she was an important person in your life." "..thanks.." "I'll see you tomorrow." "'kay.." It wasn't long before Mulder's soft snores filled the room. I waited a few minutes until I was sure he was asleep, then I got up, gave him a kiss on the cheek, something I wouldn't normally do, but I was feeling a strange sense of calm, a sense of achievement. I paused at the door, and even though I knew tomorrow I would be divulging the 'one thousand page version' of what happened, after talking with Mulder tonight, it reminded me that I could trust him to listen and tell me honestly what he thinks. I wonder what he'll think of my little secret. X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X<>X to be continued...