A fair history do I now endeavor to tell of a simple knight and a gentle lady, in whose service I was for a time employed. I am a dwarf by name of Alfalfa Horatio Stout; but those good souls could bear not even to dirty their lips with "Dwarf," and thus they called me only "you" or not at all. And it would have been the least they could have done to provide me with a mule or even a hog or some such beast to ride upon, but I was left to go by foot and had to run at times to keep up, as if I were made of untiring iron instead of flesh. But what am I to do, a simple being whose life is but to serve others?

As I was saying, the Knight of the Redcrosse, having been called to service by the Dame Una, sallied forth from Fairy Land on borrowed steed and bearing borrowed arms. The meager lad appeared quite comical in that attire, and I stayed quite behind so as to hide my giggles from his tender ears.

Lo, but I should have traveled by his side, for he strayed us off the path to seek shelter from a great storm, and could not find the way back once the rain ceased. For hours we wandered in a dark, foreboding wood, following this trail and that, but finding not the path we first had walked. Soon we came upon a little-trod path that led directly to a dark cave in the gloomiest reaches of the forest. I saw a glint in the simpleton's eye as he peered into the darkness before us, and I saw him glance almost imperceptibly in her direction, as if deciding how he might best impress her. The rodent running its wheel in his brain sped up then as he chose to venture into that cave, and I quietly shook my head and rolled my eyes at his pride.

The fair Lady said, "Be careful of that place, good Sir knight, for you know not what lies within. Don't be so hasty to rush in to face unknown dangers."

"Oh, pshaw," he replied. "What would possibly be inside that I, a fierce and loyal knight, could not defend myself against? To turn back now would be to admit defeat ere the battle even began. Would you have me prove myself a coward without ever meeting fear?"

She looked him straight in the eye and, with slight hint of exhaustion in her lovely voice, said, "I know the perils of this place; do you not feel the foulness in the air? But if you must venture in, know that you enter the lair of Errour, a beast most evil and dreadful. Therefore, please watch your back and let not the monster tear you asunder."

He fairly grinned then as he entered the cave, and I with Una watched him with trepidation as he disappeared into the darkness.

"Moron," muttered I.

"Macho fool," joined she. "I suppose we'd better follow him."

Red's armor faintly glowed in the gloom, and by that light we tailed him. Not far along, he met with the fearsome brute. Half snake, half woman, vile Errour was quite a sight to behold! I'd never seen such a foul creature and I hope that I never shall again. She nursed a thousand beastlings which scrambled into her mouth when the knight's light reached their brutish eyes. She leaped up and rushed at the Knight Redcrosse, but turned quickly around when she saw his glinting blade and glowing armor... silly beast!

He struck her with his sword, which did enrage her and cause her to turn once again to fight. Again, he dealt her a blow across her shoulder, and she in wrath did swipe at him with her tail. He failed to dodge and took the blow across his chest, and then that fearsome serpent wrapped her tail thrice around his body. He struggled thus in vain, and I do believe I heard a faint whimper, which made me chuckle to myself. But a stern look from Una shut me up, and she took a step forward.

"Have faith, gentle Knight, and be not afraid," she said unto him. "You would do best to strangle her ere she strangles you."

Then she turned to me and quietly added, "Duh!" which caused me to chuckle yet again.

But my mirth waned and my awe grew as I watched the rustic knight wrestle one hand free, with which he reached out and grabbed fearful Errour by the throat and squoze with all his might. Her eyes bugged out and the tip of her tail flicked about, until she finally let him loose. As soon as he was free, he reached with the other hand and squoze even harder. She, fighting for breath, did vomit all over; a filthy, stinking, flood of black poison flowed forth from her mouth, so nasty that the knight loosed his grip and turned away from that awful mess.

Then Errour's children rushed from her bowels. They circled round the knight, encumbering him, but not able to harm. Annoyed with their pestering, Red launched at their mother and sliced her head clean off! Then he turned to the young, but they were all scrambling to their dame, drinking up her black, evil blood and eating of her wicked flesh. We stood in disgust as we watched them gorge themselves, and we barely managed to calm our stomachs when they all burst from consuming too much mother.

His lady then softy spoke, "Fair knight, you have proved yourself in this your first battle. May all your future entanglements be as fruitful. Now, let us away and continue our journey."

They gained again their mounts, and I lumbered on behind as usual. It chanced that he actually led us out of the wood, and we came upon an old hermit, clothed in black robes and seeming sober of mind; his solemn face revealed nothing of malice nor conceit. But as I watched him make such a show of himself--bare feet, eyes cast down, reading his Bible all the time, and that incessant chest-thumping!--I couldn't help feeling there was something odd about this man.

"Well, look at that silly devil," I whispered to them both. "He does put on quite a show, does he not?"

"Shush, you," Red answered in return; "is that any way to speak of a holy man? Keep your tongue still and insult him not again."

Red greeted him warmly and bowed, which the hermit did likewise, and our fair knight did entreat him to tell if any adventures far or near he knew of. But the hermit admitted that he knew not what dangers lay around, since hermits do best to keep their noses at home and in their work.

"I do, however," continued the hermit, "know of a wicked man who lives in a desolate wasteland far away; if it's danger you want, to him I can lead you."

"Now, now," said Una, worried that Redcrosse Knight might take the hermit up on his offer, "the day grows late, and you need your rest."

The hermit nodded in assent, "Yes, you're right, fair Lady. Come, then, and you all may stay the night in my house."

Well, never have I been more glad than I was that moment! A bed, even if of straw and in this creepy man's house, was better than the ground and the cold wind. We followed the hermit to his dwelling and spent the evening listening to him tell pleasing stories. By and by, all of us became ever so sleepy, and we each retired to our various resting places and fell off to dream.

But the hermit-really the tricky and evil Archimago, we found out later-had plans other than sleeping that night. He used his magic to create a false Una and bad her wake the Redcrosse Knight and tempt him with her beauty. That plan failed, though, so Archie created another being and sent him off to bed with the false Una; he then woke the knight himself and took him to witness the lechery.

Wow! Did Red ever get himself in a tizzy over that one! I found myself rudely awakened by Red, who, upon gathering his few things, marched to my hay-pile.

"But I'm supposed to stay with Una," I sleepily protested as he dragged me from my slumber.

"Shut up!" was all he would say.

And so he led us wandering with no destination in mind, and heeding not my entreaties to go back for fair Una; in fact, at every mention of her name, he shuddered quite and made nasty faces at me, which caused me to laugh to myself, and I made a game of mentioning her name as often as I dared.