The dragon and Red began to battle. Red sat upon Francis and charged him several times, but to no avail. Then the dragon picked him and Francis up in its claws and tried to fly away with them, but Red had put on a few pounds in the house of Holiness (those holy people sure can cook!) and so proved too heavy for the dragon to carry around. When Red found himself on the ground again, he picked up his spear and charged the dragon, and this time, the spear pierced the dragon's neck and exited under his left wing.

Red 1; Dragon 0.

The dragon then wrapped its tail around Francis' legs, knocking Red to the ground. Red picked up his sword and began to hammer away on the beast, but his blows didn't even dent the monster's armor. Red was so angry that he screamed, and I'm sure that people in Australia could have heard him! The dragon then tried to fly, but couldn't, since Red had wounded that left wing of his. He roared then, in anger, and sent a dart of fire at Red. The fire consumed him, and when it died, the dragon tripped Red and he fell backward into a pool, where he lay all night.

Red 1; Dragon 1.

Una and I were much concerned when we saw Red fall like that, but we needn't have feared, for the pool was a Well of Life. Red emerged from the pool the next morning, completely refreshed and ready to start off the day right by beating up on the dragon. And the dragon, thinking that he'd managed to kill Red, reeled with wonder when he saw Red rise up from the pool.

Red flew to his enemy and cranked him one on the noggin, splitting his scales and skin all the way to the skull!

Red 2; Dragon 1.

The dragon was so enraged that he swung his tail, sweeping Red's legs out from under him and sending him crashing to the ground. Then the dragon used the stingers at the end of his tail to pierce Red through the shoulder.

Red 2; Dragon 2.

With his sword, then, Red sliced the dragon's tail clean off, leaving only a stump still hanging in his shoulder. He pulled that out and jumped up to face the dragon.

Red 3; Dragon 2.

The dragon, in spite of his wounded wing, flew up into the air and landed on Red, gripping his shield in his mighty claws. Red grappled with him for a long time, until it finally occurred to him to cut off the dragon's foot.

Red 4; Dragon 2.

Angered at having lost his tail and now his foot, the dragon let out another breath of fire. Red stumbled back, tripped, and landed in the mud, where he stayed all night.

Red 4; Dragon 3.

Once again, Una and I thought the Redcrosse Knight dead, and once again he rose in the morning, fully refreshed and ready for battle; for the mud he landed in was not just mud, but a soothing ointment from the Tree of Life.

The dragon, seeing Red get up, advanced upon him with intention of eating him for breakfast. But Red saw to it that the dragon didn't break his fast and ran his sword into the dragon's mouth, where it pierced into his brain. The dragon put his huge paws to his mouth and stumbled around a little, surprised at all the blood. He tripped and lay still for a moment, then got up and stumbled around a little more, groaning all the while. He pointed a claw at Red and fell to his knees.

"Aw, get on with it!" Red yelled.

The dragon roared a little roar, swayed a little, then finally toppled over and kicked the bucket.

Final score: Red 5; Dragon 3.

Seeing the dragon finally defeated, Una's parents descended from the castle tower and ran to greet their daughter and their savior. Soon, the lords and ladies came out to greet them, too, and the children danced around. Everyone was filled with great mirth and thanked Red profusely for freeing them of the dragon's wrath. A party then ensued, and we all ate and drank our fill of the finest food and most wonderful wine there ever was. Even I was allowed to join the banquet, and I hung out with the other servants who feasted as well.

The king and queen wanted to marry off their daughter to Red right then, but he had promised the Fairy Queen that he would straight return as soon as he had slain Una's dragon, and so could not accept their gracious offer. Well, that made everybody sad, but Una understood, as she had been present when he'd given that promise, and she assured her parents that after his six years of service with the Fairy Queen, he'd be back.

Then there burst into the hall a messenger of sorts who carried a letter, which he read to all present:

"Dear King,
"I, the sorrowful daughter of the Emperor of the West, yadda yadda yadda... do hereby claim as mine the wretched knight who stands before you. You can't marry him off to your daughter, because he's mine. He promised me his hand in wedlock a long time before he even met your daughter, so that makes him mine. So don't even try to make him marry your daughter, because I have a lot of friends who aren't afraid to cause a little ruckus, if you know what I mean.
"Yours,
"Fidessa
"p.s. Did I mention that he's mine?"

When the messenger did finish the shocking letter, the king rose from his seat and stared deep into Red's eyes.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded. "You come in here and try to take my only daughter and my throne, and then I find out you're just going to marry some other chick?"

Red bowed his head humbly and replied, "Sire, it causes me great distress to have to conjure up the memory, but as I traveled, I happened to meet a false woman, a wicked dame named Fidessa, but who was really Duessa, the nastiest woman there is. She is capable of weaving such an intricate snare that no man alive is capable of escaping. She captured me and delivered me to evil, just as I had begun to feel that evil could touch me not."

Una then felt she had to get her two bits in, and said, "Yeah, Dad; she's a vile, immoral creature who has brought many an honest knight into bitter strife, so it's really not his fault. And I think this messenger is none other than the evil wizard Archimago, who's out to get me; I know it."

The king, then, turned on Archimago and said, "You are a bad, bad man! I sentence you to be thrown into the dungeon, there to sit in the Comfy Chair and to be beaten with the Soft Cushions for all eternity!"

Archie gasped in horror at his sentence and cried out, "Well, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

Suddenly, three men in red robes burst in, yelling, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" And they dragged him off to the dungeon to carry out the king's orders.

Now that Archie was gone and there was no more threat of mischief, the celebration could commence. They went through all that solemn engagement crap, with the knots and the fire and the wasting of perfectly good wine on posts.

Then it was time for Red to go back to the Fairy Queen. Everybody was crying and carrying on as though they'd never see each other again, but everybody knew he was coming back in six years! Duh! It was all very annoying. I just wanted to go hang out with my homies, but Una made me stay to wish him good luck and all that.

As he rode away into the sunset, I realized how well he'd grown into that armor he was wearing. When I first saw him, he was a gangly, awkward, silly little chap; but now he was full of confidence, strong, and noble. I was proud of him.

Until I saw the toilet paper trailing from his heel.

Heeheehee... he'll always be the same ol' Red!