Teaching a Child How To Resist Peer Pressure
by Mark Kilcoyne

Have you heard a joke like this?  'I don't have a problem with peer pressure.  I just give in - no problem!"  Does this sound like you or your kids?  Living in our culture we all face situations that challenge our values and deep-seated beliefs.  One of the greatest challenges for teacher and parent is equipping and allowing our children to just say no to negative influences in their lives.  It is often easier to say no to influences that we can plainly see endanger our physical health. But what about our spiritual health?  Why is it harder to say no to those things that are a cancer to our spiritual health?

It is not as easy to see the spiritual impact of your behavior.  It is often easier to see how an activity can affect your physical health as opposed to your spiritual health.  I’m sure if we could see the impact of our decisions in the light of eternity, many would have a changed lifestyle.  But education in and of itself may not necessarily translate into a changed life.  So many people know that certain behaviors will cause cancer and yet they continue to practice those same deadly behaviors. 

The title of this article speaks of training a child how to resist peer pressure.  I believe it is possible to train a child to resist peer pressure.  However, every time a child faces a negative peer pressure situation, they must want to resist it.  The reason education doesn’t always change a life is because the desire to change is not as great as the desire to fit in.  There are situations I realize where addiction is very powerful.  Breaking an addiction can be extremely difficult.  The purpose of this article isn’t necessarily dealing with those who are addicted, but with those who face a new peer pressure situation.

Let me say a few things at the onset.  In our culture, we are given countless situations to help train our children to say no.  We do not help them by giving in to their demands to participate in behaviors we know are spiritually harmful.  We also need to start early.  Don’t wait until your child gets to their teen years.  By that time it may be too late.  Children need training in areas that they have a tendency to give in to peer pressure.  In other words, there are certain behaviors or activities that children like because they are pleasurable or seem pleasurable.  These are the areas where children need help and training.  Finally, how do we do this and not embitter our children?  How do children make our values their values?  These points will be expounded on throughout the rest of this article.

Jesus prayed for His disciples and those of us who would follow by praying, “¹⁴I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. ¹⁵My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. ¹⁶They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.” (John 17:14-16)[i]  Teaching our kids to be in the world and not of it, that is the goal.  The first part of this passage gives us a clue as to what is needed to have people (disciples) be in the world and not be negatively influenced by it.  Jesus prayed, “⁶"I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. ⁷Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. ⁸For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. (John 17:6-8) [ii]  In this passage we learn that the disciples came out of the world and God was revealed to them.  They were taught the word of God and finally, they knew with certainty that Jesus came from God and they accepted Jesus’ words as the words of God.  It is important that kids are convinced that God’s word is authoritative.  When they truly take God’s word to heart they are better equipped to overcome negative peer pressure.  As teachers we need to reveal God to boys and girls through His word.  Children must become convinced on their own.  They must have their own experience with God.  It becomes increasingly difficult to live off of the morals of their parents.  As each child becomes convinced of the validity of their parents morals, they will adopt them.

Our culture tries to undermine this convincing process by introducing doubt around every corner.  Think of all the influences in our culture that try to undermine the reality of God and the authority of His word.  Here are a few: evolution, media intolerance, situational ethics, materialism, biblical criticism, the melting pot or smorgasbord of religious ideologies, etc.  All of these schemes seek to undermine the reality of God and the authority of His word.

In our culture, we have a multitude of situations that present themselves as opportunities to train our children in overcoming negative peer pressure.  Everything from what we eat to music, TV shows, movies, video games, Internet web sites, sexual habits, body piercing, fashion and hairstyles present themselves as opportunities to train for resisting negative peer pressure.

Over the past few years I have been asked by parents what I thought of Pokemon.  Usually, I ask the parents what they know about Pokemon or whatever the new fad is.  I ask them another question.  Why are their kids interested in Pokemon or the new fad?  It almost always has to do with peer pressure.  I don’t intend to argue about Pokemon here.  I have seen arguments for and against Pokemon.  I see Pokemon and things like it as perfect opportunities to train your child against negative peer pressure.  The hype of Pokemon is and was manufactured to sell products.  Plain and simple,  Pokemon is a mixture of commercialism, children’s fantasy, and occult imagery.  Recently, parents are asking me about Yu-Gi-Oh.  In my opinion, Yu-Gi-Oh is cut from the same cloth of Pokemon.  My response is the same. 

Why not use this opportunity to train your child to overcome negative peer pressure?  Obviously, this is something they want to participate in.  Obviously, they have friends who are participating.  What a great opportunity.  Let me put it this way.  You don’t train a child to resist negative peer pressure by using items with which they are not tempted.  For example, what good would it do to train a child to resist butterscotch when they hate butterscotch?  Certainly you can teach a child to say no to cigarettes, but most young kids are not tempted to smoke cigarettes.  True training will take place when they can say no to something they are already interested in.   

It is important that this training start early in life.  Once they are teenagers, saying no to pre-marital sex will not be in their vocabulary if they haven’t already had many opportunities to internalize values and the tools to resist negative peer pressure.  By starting early in life you give the child many victories to lean on.  They can look back at the successes they had early in life and see their present temptation as one more opportunity to overcome negative peer pressure.  David’s life illustrates this principal.  David was about to face the giant, Goliath.  David had faith that God would help him overcome this giant because in the past he had faced both the lion and the bear.  God delivered him from those and he had faith God would help him conquer the giant. (1 Samuel 17:36-38)[iii]

It is important that the church and home be on the same page.  Too many  parents are undermined by other families who even though they attend the same church have very different morals.  This is not to say everyone must agree.  However, a biblical tolerance would not impose your freedom on others who do not agree.  In simple terms if you have little Tommy at your house and he isn’t allowed to play certain video games and you know it, you don’t cross that line.  The bottom line is parents need to talk with one another.  They need not be ashamed when they have taken a moral stand.  They need to let their friends and family know what their expectations are when their children are in the care of those friends or family.  Peer pressure is much easier to resist when you have your child’s friends parents on the same page as you.

Finally, how do you train a child to resist peer pressure and not emitter them?  The scripture tells warns us, “²⁰Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ²¹Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:20,21)[iv]  It is vitally important to have a good relationship with the child God has placed in your care.  No one likes to be demeaned.  Talking with the child and walking with them through the challenges of daily temptations will be challenging, but the result is worth every effort.  There is an old saying that says if you save an adult you save a life.  If you save a child you save two lives.  The one for eternity and the he has left to live.  Harsh training will drive a child to their peers and their behavior will be as a reaction to their harsh treatment. 

A child must trust those who lead them.  They are very trusting as it is.  Walk them through the consequences of poor choices.  Show them the rewards of proper choices.  Their decisions may not make rational sense.  They may not respond rationally.  At this point strong teaching or parenting must prevail.  Don’t fall for the fallacy that some kids need to fall on their faces to find the truth.  While this may have some value, the real battle line is where you will now draw the line.  Also, if a child does make a poor choice, they need a loving adult on the other end to help pick up the pieces.

One last point needs to be made.  We’ve all heard the anecdotal justifications that claim, “Hey, I did that when I was a kid and I turned out o.k.”  Or, “Look at Johnny, his mom lets him do it and he seems to be a well adjusted kid..”  My word of caution in this situation is don’t assume the grace of God in your life or that of another is an endorsement by God Himself.  In other words, don’t presume that because God had grace on your life and you turned out o.k. that your kids will be o.k. after encountering similar situations.  The very fact that you think a potentially negative behavior may be o.k. might be a sign you didn’t come out of it o.k.  O.k. get the point!

Kids today face enormous peer pressure.  They need the loving guidance of brave and knowledgeable adults.  They need to be trained early.  They need to see good role-models.  They need to know that they are not alone.  They need to see other friends facing and conquering the same peer pressure.  They need to have early successes.  They need to see other families in the church as on their side.  They need to know that others are looking out for them.  Finally, children need to know the Word of God and be convinced of its truth.  They need to embrace God’s word and make it a guiding light for their path.

God bless you as you mentor boys and girls to live clean lives in a dirty world.

Mark Kilcoyne

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