When you find out that someone you know has been raped a million thoughts may run through your head all at once. You may experience conflicting thoughts on what needs yo be done. You may feel lonely, vulnerable and confused - especially at first. This happen to me the when I found out that several close friends had been assaulted. Do your best to remain calm. Your friend will most likely need your support. Its hard to be supportive when your thoughts are all over the place. This page is written in an attempt to give you ideas on how to best deal with the situation. It is not a complete list, but it should help you on your journey....
Your friend may be afraid that you think less of them. Ressure them that this is not true.
Believe them!
Listen to them
Be Supportive - Try to provide a safe and non-threatening environment, emotional comfort and support for the survivor to express feelings.
Offer protection of a safe place to stay.
Ask the survivor if there is anything you can do or get for them.
Let them know it wasn't their fault. No matter what happened; No matter what they did or didn't do; they did not deserve what happened to them. Rape is not the fault of the survivor.
Empower the rape survivor. Don't try to take control of the situation. Allow your friend to have control over her/his own life right now.
Recognize that they may need some personal space and time.
Learn about rape trauma syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Don't push for details. Give the survivor the opportunity to talk about her feelings, fears, and reactions as he/she chooses.
Help discuss options but don't tell a survivor what to do. It's her/his decision whether to report the rape or not. You can help her clarify her options, but don't decide what options are best for him/her. Rape is about power and control. After a rape many survivors may feel that their life is out of their control. Forcing a survivor to report the assault may serve to further disempower a survivor.
If someone has just been raped and she decides to report it, remind her not to destroy evidence by bathing, douching, changing clothes, or applying medication. Encourage the person to undergo a rape kit even if he or she doesn't necessarrily report it to the police right away. That way the evidence will be preserved in case they decide to prosecute at a later date. Again, DON'T push.
Encourage the survivor to get competent, sensitive medical attention.
Validate the survivor's right to feel however they feel about the assault.
Encourage him/her to talk with someone trained to help rape victims. However, a survivor of rape must be able to decide for herself when and whether or not she wants to receive counseling.
Seek professional help for yourself. Your feelings matter, too. By talking through your feelings with a counselor, you will be better able to provide the continuing support that she or he will need.
Recognise your own limits. Everyone has them. Its ok.
Know that there will be times that the survivor will NOT be able to help you deal with your feeling toward what happened. Make sure you have a strong support system of your own.
Don't presume you know a survivor's specific needs. Ask before you reach out.
Don't expect a survivor to heal quickly or on your time schedule. Neither should you discontinue your support when you think she should be back to normal. Never expect a survivor to "just forget it." Rape recovery is a long-term process.
Be Reassuring - Sexual assault is NEVER the victim's fault! No one asks to be sexually assaulted by what they wear, say, or do. Let the victim know that only the rapist is to blame.
Be Understanding - The survivor needs to hear that fears, anxieties, guilt, and anger are normal, understandable, and acceptable.
Be Reassuring - Remind survivors that their feelings are normal. There are many symptoms that the individual may experience; these are typical reactions to traumatic events. If they are experiencing feelings, emotions, or physical symptoms that are out of the ordinary, it is due to the fact that they have just experienced a horrific and traumatic event.
Know that there is no typical rape survivor. Do NOT disbelieve a person's story simply because they are not acting like you think a rape survivor "should" act.
Do not judge the survivor. The individual is likely examining him or herself very critically during this time. Asking questions regarding details of the assault, why the individual was at a specific place, doing a specific behavior, etc. only works to place blame on the survivor for the violence of the perpetrator. No matter what their behavior prior to the assault, they are NOT responsible- the perpetrator is. No one deserves to be raped.
Do not attempt to impose your explanation of why this has happened or try to "fix" the situation (they are NOT broken). It may come across to the survivor as victim-blaming. The only real explanation is that the perpetrator chose to violate someone. Additionally, you don't have to fix the situation; you just have to be supportive.
Don't tell survivors you know exactly how they feel. Chances are that you don't. You may know what it feels like to be hurt, to be violated, or to be angry; but you probably don't know quite how they feel at this moment. You're attempts to connect with them may be aimed at relieving your own anxiety about the assault.
You may feel incredibly angry at the perpetrator, and may even wish harm upon them. Never go after the perpretrator. This will only put you at risk for physical harm. Also, if you harm your friend's attacker, you may end up serviving a jail sentence. Your time would be MUCH better spent helping the survivor.
Respect privacy. Never "out" a survivor.
Show that you care by challenging sexism, homophobia, and other forms of prejudice. Confont rape "jokes." These are not funny and only serve to support rape culture.
Never assume someone is gay or lesbian simply because they're a survivor. A sexual assault can make a person fearful of people of a certain gender, but it will not change a person's natural orientation.