June 21, 1998

Dearest Mother,

I am so sorry not to have written in a while. I have been quite literally tied down. The doctors and nurses have been very nice. Especially nurse Suzy, I’ll miss her. I think she kinda liked me because she would slap me every time I would give her an affectionate pat on the rear. They let me out last Thursday as I was healing up real nice. I can walk good on my hands now. My good buddies Lance and Ted picked me up from the hospital with extra beer on hand and we headed to the Ocoee.

Let me catch you up on why I’ve been away. I had it all figured out! If I charged the lip at Cedar Falls on Petit Jean Mountain, going precisely 20.2 feet per second and with the added lift from twirling my paddle counterclockwise, I could clear the rocks and land softly in the pool. However, my recent El Nino fed runs down Bobtail Creek, Boss Hollow, Rocky Creek, Beech Creek, Sulphur Creek, Mystery Creek, and a couple other un-named rivulets had apparently worn my paddle blades down 0.45%. This unanticipated loss of surface area reduced the lift available from this high brace helicopter maneuver. I was able miss the largest rocks but the smaller ones were quite sharp and shredded my boat, paddle and body. Luckily, the park ranger who was chasing me for un-lawful boating knew CPR and called for the Med-Flight transport to the nearest trauma center. As you know, my birthday is coming up soon and I sure could use a new boat and paddle before Gauleyfest. Prices have gone up dramatically, so please send more money than the last time, a couple thousand should do.

The morphine is starting to wear off, so please forgive me if I don’t make much sense. When we arrived at the NOC Ocoee Outpost, I needed a boat, paddle, helmet and PFD. Lance and Ted were able to neoprene graft my sprayskirt back together with the aid of 3 rolls of duct tape and some shoe goo. I fit just fine after I took all the immobilizing braces off. I got a demo 3D, then pretended to be a raft customer and got a helmet and PFD from the good folk at NOC. I then sold my braces for scrap metal and was able to purchase a used Norse paddle. It was big and clumsy, but I later took care of that. I then cut the neck flap off the PFD and painted it purple and pink so as not to look like a goober.

All outfitted and at the parking lot, the guys were so kind to carry me and the boat to the pool for an initial fitting before heading downstream. I was so enthused to be back in a boat, I had to try out the moves made possible with these new boat designs. I hit a warm-up roll and commenced to churning out multiple flatwater cartwheels to impress the young female raft customers. Everyone was carrying their boats down the ramp around the first big drop, I guess they were all scared of that drop. I didn’t want to bother my buddies again by making them carry me down that ramp, so I charged for the lip of the drop. With the extra surface area of the Norse paddle blades I obtained extraordinary lift from the helicopter spin and didn’t even touch much on the way down. I did however, manage to use the rocks immediately below to grind the paddle blades down to rodeo size. They were sharp and hard enough to cut through that Norse paddle. I had little time to surf in the Grumpy Hole because of the vast number of people who began to crowd around to express their admiration of my remarkable entry. Not wanting to jam the traffic up more than it already was, I pressed on down river.

At the staging eddy, I hit a couple of cartwheels and noticed that Prijon had a demo set-up. I paddled over and hopped in a Fly before a little kid could get to it and put the boat through a good workout. I hit the all the eddies in Broken Nose and proceeded to cartwheel, ender and spin for about 15 minutes. As I left, the Prijon rep and Park Rangers were screaming and waving from the trail, thoroughly impressed with my skill and ability.

As I entered the top hole at Slice-N-Dice for another spectacular water clearing ender and other aerial moves I spotted the Pyranha Rep. He was happy to let me try my hand at one of his Storms. I proceed to Moon Shoot where I gave the Storm a good work out with my Thunder and Lightning moves.

As I wavewheeled down Double Trouble, I noticed a Dagger demo booth. I paddled over and hopped in a Redline for 15 or 20 minutes of extendedly superb surfing. Since I did not want to appear to be a hole hog, I endered off the wave and proceeded downstream. I made it to Flipper in record time and took control of the hole from all the guys down there who were obviously afraid to get in. I performed every retendo in the book plus some. I could tell everyone was impressed as they were screaming for me and waving to me that I was number one. I took the cue and proceeded to impress them with more rodeo moves. I exited with a hang time ender last lasted all the way to Hollywood Hole. I noticed the Wave Sport demo tent and graciously offered to show them what was possible with the new X boat everyone is talking about. I immediately began to flat spin and crosswheel with little effort. I grew tired of the heavy Norse paddle and decided to hands paddle for awhile. I tried to throw it to an admiring spectator as a token of my affection. She may be cute again some day after the stitches come out. Too bad she did not know how to catch a paddle in mid-air.

I bow squirted through the doldrums and eddied out above Tablesaw. I lined up and hit five perfect wavewheels on the way down through the maw. The bikini clad women with their tops un-done to suntan their backs all screamed for me and jumped up as the icy cold water splashing off my boat washed the sweat from their glistening bodies. I’m sure they were most appreciative, as it was very hot that day. I ended with my patented splat move on Plymouth Rock. However, this time I added a twist and splatted with the deck of the boat. As I pushed out of the pothole, my helmet fell away from my head having being split in two. I miss my old kevlar/duct tape helmet.

I had put the X boat through every move I could imagine by the time I arrived at Torpedo. I noticed a demo set up for the new Angst squirt boat, so I hopped in one and pulled off a 10 minute mystery move and popped up at the top of Hell Hole. As I came over the top of the wave, I noticed a boater in a Riot 007 spinning and cartwheeling so fast, that he obviously needed help. So, I entered the hole beside him and nudged him into the safety of the shallow rocky eddy. I noticed the large number of spectators both in and out of boats, and decided to give them a 2-hour demonstration of my exquisite rodeo moves. I didn’t exit the hole once during the show as I would simply perform upside down 360’s when the rafts came through or perform leaping cartwheeling aerial loops over the them. Again, everyone was screaming for me and waving that I was number one!

With a boat full of water I eddied out and hopped in another 3D from the Perception demo area. I surfed extensively in the top Powerhouse ledge and finally dropped in the lower ledge to perform more retendos. Somewhat tired, after all I had not had any exercise or been in a boat for quite some time. I made it to the take out at dark, just as Lance and Ted were finishing loading their boats. They carried me to the car and we dropped the 3D off at the NOC with a thank-you note as they were closed for the night.

On the way home, Lance and Ted told me some wild tale and that I had missed all the commotion and excitement of the day. Apparently, some guy had illegally run the dam giving the rangers fits who were unable to catch the guy to give him the $1,500 fine. Moreover, someone stole demo boats from every boat manufacturer. He then trashed every boat he stole, leaving the almost unrecognizable remains on the riverbank. On top of that, a rude dude hogged every hole on the river, knocked guys out of the way and generally pissed off everyone present. I don’t really believe all this, but it could be possible that there are some paddlers who act like jerks on the river.

Well, I’m off to Colorado for the FIBARK race and then I’m gonna sneak a run down the Selway in Idaho on the way to California. I promise to come visit you at the Sun-O-Beach Center for the Criminally Insane when I return. Hope you get to feeling better.

Your Loving and Caring Son,

Horace Sheahat