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LarkinRidge CurlingTeam

LarkinRidge Curling Team “Rocks” 2006 Winter Olympics

February 19, 2006

PINEROLO, Italy (LEP) – In a classic Cinderella story, LarkinRidge CurlingTeam, a last minute substitute for the US entry in the men's curling competition has shocked the world with an amazing 8-0 record after winning Sunday at the Winter Olympics, but can go a step further to the Semifinals with a win on Monday.

LarkinRidge team led by Don “Rock Arm” Fittsgill was 8-0 after hammering New Zealand (5-3) and in first spot heading into Monday's game against Ukraine Peter Fennski (6-2).

The top four teams advance to semifinals, but ties for fourth place after the round robin will be solved by tiebreakers Tuesday.

Don “Rock Arm” Fittsgill (8-0) topped the standings, followed by Uusipaavalniemi of Finland (6-2) and David Murdoch of Britain (6-3).

US LarkinRidge CurlingTeam was a last minute substitute for the US entry due to a sudden rash of injuries suffered by both the winning and alternate teams at the US Olympic Trials. - Marty Larkin Reporting

LarkinRidge Slides Into Medal Round

February 23, 2006

PINEROLO, Italy (LRP) – In what is being compared to the US Hockey team’s “Miracle on Ice”, the Cinderella US Curling Team from LarkinRidge CountryClub has reached the medal round at 9-0 after sliding past Ukraine behind the powerful throws of the world’s top curler Don “Rock-Arm” Fittsgill. Rock-Arm’s unique style, once laughed at, has now turned the curling world upside down with everyone scrambling to match his success. In a radical departure from finesse, Rock Arm delivers a throw at speeds that a major league pitcher would envy, blasting the opponent’s 44 lbs stones as far as 10 rows deep in the stands. Needless to say, soon after Rock-Arm Fittsgill’s first match where 3 spectators were injured by flying debris, fan safety has become a priority for Olympic officials who have resorted to installing hockey rink safety glass, double thick, around the ice and requiring safety goggles for all players and officials due to the tendency of the cold stones to shatter when struck at such speeds. In another first in curling, radar guns have been installed to monitor Rock-Arm’s magnificent throws that have been clocked at up to 95 miles an hour. - Marty Larkin Reporting

Rock-Arm Destroys Canada in Semifinal

February 25, 2006

PINEROLO, Italy (LRP) – The US LarkinRidge CurlingTeam behind the world’s top curler Don “Rock-Arm” Fittsgill embarrassed Canada handing them their worst defeat in decades and leaving them scratching their heads. Rock-Arm combined wicked angles, with blazing speed and whirlwind spin to ricochet Canada’s stones into each other, destroying as many as 3 stones per throw. After only 5 ends, Rock-Arm’s magnificent throws averaging 95 mph had completely destroyed all of Canada’s stones, forcing the Canadians to forfeit the game and sending LarkinRidge into the finals against Finland.

The Cinderella team from LarkinRidge CountryClub came out of nowhere as a substitute to represent the US after a rash of injuries forced the withdrawal of both the winning and alternate teams selected at the US Olympic Trials. Defying odds that have to be in the million to one range, no less than 6 broken legs were suffered by the 2 teams in the week following the Trials, all of which were determined to be accidental after bedside interviews with the players.

In a gesture of good will, LarkinRidge TeamTrainer James Johnson, a former debt collector for a private lending firm, has been an almost constant bedside companion to the injured players and has even taken members of the player’s families into his own home to provide comfort and support. Later in the week Johnson dropped off the US Olympic Committee Chairman at the emergency room explaining that the Chairman had broken his arm during a fall at his home. In a press conference following his surgery, the Chairman named LarkinRidge as the US entry and pleaded with Johnson to safeguard his family and the families of the injured players. Upon hearing the announcement Johnson released this statement: “I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse:”

In a related story, Finland has been trying to buy more stones for the final match but have been reportedly stymied by a sudden price increase at area shops all blaming a recent sharp rise in fire insurance premiums. - Marty Larkin Reporting

Don “Rock Arm” Fittsgill Up Close and Personal

PINEROLO, Italy (LRP) – Donald “Rock-Arm” Fittsgill is the stuff legends are made of, having single handedly redefined the game of Curling by shunning the status quo in favor of a road less traveled. His revolutionary style, once fodder for the late night talk show circuit, is now the envy of the world. No single athlete has ever revolutionized and dominated a sport like Rock-Arm who remains undefeated in lifetime standings. Now, he and his fellow teammates are poised to take home the gold medal for Curling in the 2006 Olympic Games.

Don Fittsgill was born and raised in Fort Worth, Texas living an unremarkable life. He joined the military and worked as a crew chief on a KC-135 tanker at Carswell AFB before joining General Dynamics to work in the Simulator Labs. Eventually, Don made his way to Flight Test Data Processing where he sat at a desk all day and started to gain weight. In his own words he was “almost as fat as that asshole boss of mine” It was there he met James Johnson who had recently joined the company after retiring from a successful career as a debt collector for Loan Sharp, a private lending firm. Johnson had been experimenting with various dietary supplements looking for ways to improve the effectiveness of. body building formulas. At the age of 50, under Johnson’s tutelage, Don suddenly began to pack on the muscles at an astounding rate. He was nicknamed Rock-Arm for the rock hard muscles that adorned his massive arms.

Since childhood, it has been a dream of Fittsgill to win an Olympic Gold Medal. Now that he suddenly had the physique, he began to search for the sport that would give him the best chance for success. Weightlifting, decathlon, shot put and boxing all seemed within his reach but Don knew the competition would be tough, maybe too tough for a 50 year old man. After a chance viewing when technical difficulties led ABC to accidentally show portions of a Curling competition, Don remembers saying to himself, “I could do that.” The fact that Don had never even heard of the sport meant that no one else had either.

Finding no Curling teams in Texas, no instructions at the sporting goods store and armed with nothing more than vague memories and raw determination, Don set out to become a Curler. He remembered seeing someone bowling on ice with a tea kettle and thinking the idea was to blast the other tea kettles away from the Target logo on the ice. Not understanding that Curling is a game of finesse, Don began to work on his delivery. With his newfound strength, thanks to Johnson’s body building formula, and a grueling workout regiment of 5 minutes once a week, Don was soon sliding tea kettles up and down the ice at unheard of speeds. Along with the speed, Don began to hone his accuracy. As a crew chief at Carswell, Don naturally became an expert pool player, known for his combination shots. Soon Don was blasting combination shots on the ice ricocheting 2 to 3 kettles at a time. After weeks of practice, Don was ready to make his move. Hr had paid his dues but only at the insistence of the club owner.

Finding a Curling team to join was more of a challenge than Don expected. There were only a few in the US and they were full. His boss, Marty Larkin, after seeing the Olympic Curling Trials in Ogden Utah, suddenly became interested in Curling as well reasoning that with only a few teams in the US, winning a spot on the US Olympic team would be a cinch. Larkin, President of LarkinRidge CountryClub, upon hearing of Don’s plight decided to sponsor a team, forming the LarkinRidge CurlingTeam and naming Don Fittsgill captain.

Their first match turned into a fiasco. While winning the match, Don was disqualified when a throw of 90 mph smashed into the opponent’s stone causing it to fragment, sending shrapnel into the stands. While no one was killed, several people were rushed to the hospital with serious injuries. Larkin challenged the disqualification and sued in federal court. After several appeals and finally finding a rule book on Ebay, Larkin was able to prove there were no rules against the way Fittsgill played. LarkinRidge attorney, Ms. Porn Starr, convinced the US Supreme Court in a closed session to overrule the disqualification giving Fittsgill and the LarkinRidge team their first win and paving their road into the history books. Unfortunately, by the time the case was closed, it was too late to compete at the Olympic Trials.

Fate however cannot be denied and through a miracle, 6 broken legs and a broken arm, the LarkinRidge CurlingTeam was a last minute substitute to represent the US in the 2006 Olympics. And now, with a win over Finland, that road into the history books will be paved with gold.

Good luck Don “Rock-Arm” Fittsgill and Godspeed. – Marty Larkin

Rock Arm Brings Home the Gold!

PINEROLO, Italy (LRP) – Do you believe in miracles? In a surprise to no one who has been following this Cinderella Story, the US LarkinRidge CurlingTeam behind phenomenon Don Rock Arm Fittsgill has brought home the gold medal after a win over Finland. In a surprisingly close match, it all came down to Rock Arm’s final throw. However, as luck would have it, disaster struck during Don’s delivery when his shoelace broke causing him to slip and sending his stone careening out of control thus giving Finland the appearance of a win.

But in another miracle, LarkinRidge TeamTrainer James Johnson appealed to the Olympic Committee citing the precedent set by the Committee when they gave Tanya Harding a second chance in Ice Skating under very similar circumstances. Despite an accidental fall sending one of the Committee members to the hospital, the Committee retained their quorum and voted to allow Fittsgill one more chance. They even went so far as to order officials to put 3 more seconds on the clock.

Rock Arm, given one last chance, rose to the occasion, blasting all of Finland’s stones several yards away from the scoring zone giving the US the gold and sending Finland home with the silver.

Rumors Fly about Guilliani / Fittsgill in 2008

Guilliani Joins in Tickertape Parade Honoring Fittsgill

New York – Former New York City Mayor Rudy Guilliani was on hand Saturday to honor Donald “Rock Arm” Fittsgill with a Tickertape parade for leading the US Curling team to a gold medal victory at the 2006 Winter Olympics. Later it was revealed that Fittsgill was a guest at Guilliani’s home where the two reportedly met with Guilliani’s political advisors several times during Fittsgill’s stay in New York. This prompted rumors that Guilliani is considering Fittsgill as a possible running mate for his 2008 Presidential bid. Guilliani rose to national prominence when his city was attacked by terrorists on 9/11. Sources close to the campaign said that Guilliani was looking for someone who like himself has captured America’s attention with their leadership and courage. During the parade Saturday, Guilliani described Fittsgill as a leader with the courage to go after his dream.

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