Dear Billy
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From time to time Billy will answer questions
for Dear Abby, Amy, Carolyn or Ann Landers
Have a problem in your life? Want some gentle
advice? Go somewhere else! If you want the straight story
December 11, 2007
Mom , grown son share toilet time
Dear Amy: I am 46, and my fiance is 44. He is a great
guy. However, his mother came over to his house and went into the bathroom
while he was shaving with a towel wrapped around his waist. She proceeded to
use the toilet while he was in the bathroom.
I was appalled and exclaimed, "Oh my
God!" Her retort was, "We're a very close family."
I find it creepy that she would use the bathroom while her son was shaving. He
talks to her about five times a day and says she is his best friend.
Dear Concerned-You-may-Marrying-Into-a-freakin-nuthouse
Some men
have the same relationship with their mother that they have with their
right hand
"no one
knows what I like better than 1)
Child you
should run as fast as you can, move away and don't leave a forwarding
address. Unless you're into kinky family reunions.
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September 7, 2005
Dear Annie,
I am a teenage girl. I always thought I was
heterosexual, but lately I have been paying a lot more attention to girls. In
the locker room, I always find myself staring at their breasts. While all my
friends ogle Brad Pitt, I'm looking at Angelina Jolie.
I don't really consider guys any more than friends.
Whenever I hug my girlfriends, I feel all warm inside and I linger for longer
than necessary. I love to bury my head in their hair and I've had a few erotic
dreams about girls. Girls turn me on but
guys turn me off. I have never wanted to get married and I think sex with guys
is like gross.
I have no idea what my sexual orientation is anymore.
Can you help me figure this out?
Girl Who Likes Girls
Dear Dances
With Girls,
Yes we can
help. But we have to ask, where did you ever get the idea that you might have
once been heterosexual? You are a dyke.
Go buy some khaki shorts and get a mullet haircut, buy some Joan Jett
and Melissa Etherege music and get the DVD of the Vagina Monologues and start
seeking out other lesbians online, cause you're going to get beat up if you
continue to try and get freaky with the straight girls. Sure you'll find a few bi-curious types who
will get funky with you, but don't expect them to fall in love with you.
And take up
golf too, and go to LPGA tournaments.
Good luck.
Billy
April 27, 2004
Dear Annie:
For many years, I have had problems sleeping.
It made my life absolutely miserable. After trying various techniques, my
doctor finally put me on sleeping pills that work. Maybe they work too well.
I have discovered that my husband is having sex
with me while I am sleeping. At first, I wasn't sure, but when I confronted my
husband, he confessed. Can you tell me if this is wrong? I don't know how to
handle this peculiar situation, and I keep wondering what else my husband is
doing while I'm sound asleep.
Please give me a clue. -- Sleepy in
Dear Deep Sleep,
My 1st question is, do you have sex when you
are awake? If not, then I'd let let
sleeping wives lie. From your letter you don't sound that terribly disturbed,
so my advice is just enjoy your slumber and really, wouldn't you rather have
him get it at home than elsewhere? And unless he is renting you out to his
friends while you sleep, there is no problem here that we see.\
Good night
April 26, 2004
DEAR ABBY:
I am a 39-year-old married woman with a
loving husband who would never cheat on me. I have been having an affair for
the last eight years. The other man, "John," is also married, and he
has a family. I met John at my part-time job, and he also works with my
husband.
Four months ago, I decided I needed to be
faithful to my husband and I ended the affair. John has now begun having an
affair with one of my co-workers, a woman I consider to be a trashy person. This
has hurt me terribly. When I see them, I feel like telling his wife everything
-- but this would only endanger my marriage, and I don't want to hurt my
husband. Abby, help me get over this affair. -- CAN'T STOP HURTING
Dear Hurtin Ho,
Hello?
Pot...meet kettle. You think
after sleeping around on your husband for 8 years that you can say with a
straight face that someone else is 'trashy'. Give me a break you whiny,
self-absorbed baby. What is exactly is
hurting you by the way? Personally I think you should spill the bean and I
actually believe your ex-lover's marriage will survive and hopefully yours
won't, and that your husband will move out and get a lawyer and a new start
with someone less trashy than you.
Regards,
Billy Sottile
12/8/03
Dear Billy,
What's a guy suppose to do when he purposely makes his wife and mother of our three children a whore by allowing her to dress like one? Do I allow her to keep up her escapades turning my head south or destroy our marriage by putting my foot down? I'll loose her for sure and probably the close loving and wonderful relationship I have with our children unless I keep quiet?
Carol's a stunningly attractive women whose been a homemaker only seemingly happy with life until I changed jobs three years ago. I'm now away from home 3 weeks a month on business. I have a great job making good money, and we have a beautiful home with everything we could ever need except time for each other.
Separation has hurt us both as she's lonely when I'm gone thirsty for attention and affection. When I am home I'm so darn tired I usually ignore her and what energy I have is given to the children. When she started to complain so much about being bored, under loved, and having little at home all days with the children in school, I told her to find herself a job and that's what she did about two years ago.
Still sporting a really cute short short haircut, what gets me is why, as a part time receptionist, does she dress like a whore! I mean, I know she's dressing, walking and acting like the black girls she works with wearing borrowed micro mini skirts, low cut halter tops and high heels boots or sandal heels. Even though our sex life as I once knew it has gone south, I like the blow jobs she gives me as much as the intercourse we once shared. That's it though, we just don't have intercourse at all anymore because she doesn't like it that way anymore?
Liking to tease me, she enjoys flaunting her boot. She and I cuddle, but it's not the same as I have this feeling she's someone else's lady these days?
What's your take? E-mail me please as your time and circumstances allow.
George
Dear Georgy Porgy,
You're still getting blow jobs right? Stop whining, 3/4 of the men in
Billy
6/24/03
DEAR ANNIE:
I am a happily married man, fit, handsome and in my early 40s. My wife, "Lola,' is a great-looking woman with a fine body. We get along really well, and we have two children. Lately, Lola has been spending a lot of time on her appearance, down to the details. She is always perfectly coifed and dressed to the nines, with lots of makeup and polished nails, including her toenails. She is especially beautiful whenever she leaves the house for work or to run errands. It is hard for me to believe that she is fooling around, but I'm beginning to wonder.
Here's the weird part. The thought of my wife with another man is a turn-on for
me. If I discovered she was having a fling, I wouldn't be angry. I'd want to
know the details. I love my wife, but I would gladly share her with another man
if I could watch. Am I crazy?
-- Wondering in
Dear WIT-less,
Have Lola call me. 661-965-0249 Day or night.
Billy
6/20/03
Again Billy answers an actual Dear Abby letter
DEAR ABBY:
I am a 21-year-old military wife. My husband is in the Army and was sent to
My husband and I do not correspond often. Am I losing feelings for him because he's so far away and we seldom speak? Or am I just a sad and lonely wife who craves attention? Please help me, Abby. I don't want to hurt my husband
-- IN NEED OF LOVE IN INDIANA
Dear Horny Ho,
While I can certainly understand the needs of that young tight little body of
yours, you must understand that you cannot upset your husband while he is
serving his country 12,000 miles away. Here's a solution: Go ahead and have
your fling with one, two, or all three guys because it sounds like you're about
to and your marriage is doomed anyway. But, to let your husband down as gently
as possible, find a woman you are attracted to, and get a video camera. Tape
you and her gettin down and send it to your husband.
This will have a twofold purpose: 1. He will enjoy it immensely, 2. He will
begin to realize that he left a hot horny young wife back home alone. Gradually
he will think things thru and come to the same conclusion we have, and he will
feel sad. Then he will watch the videotape again and that will make him happy.
Billy
05/11/03
Dear Billy,
I am a crack dealer in
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
the
All thing considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally
honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Dear WAMR,
I congratulate you and your family for having the resiliency and spirit that
made this country what it is today. Best of luck on the brothel. Too bad your
brother didn't commit a federal crime, I hear their prisons are better than NY
State. And as for your other brother, he is probably enjoying his prison stay
immensely.
Make sure you get cell phones, a website, and several drivers, as your sisters
would be much better off in an 'escort service' environment. And even with your
illness, I hear today the treatments are affording much longer and better lives
than before.
As for your distant cousin... tell people she is Canadian.
Good luck,
Billy
04/11/03
Dear Ann,
My teenage daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She was
assured there would be no boys.
I talked to the girl's mother and she said she would be present to supervise
and that her husband and son were out of town.
Ann, I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15-16
year old girls would want to spend 12 hours together stark naked. Any ideas?
-- FUDDY-DUDDY MOM
Dear Fuddy-Duddy
Well I can think of many reasons why 15-16 year old girls would spend 12 hours
together naked.
Your daughter is obviously at the age where she is aware of her body, and of
those of her friends. They are curious, and this naked slumber party is a
perfect way for them to get comfortable with themselves and their friends.
By all means let her attend, and if you would feel more at ease, get the
chaperone to videotape the slumber party, and send you a copy. You and your
husband may learn some wonderful things about your daughter and her friends.
You can also send me a copy so I can learn more about teenage fads and trends
to further assist my readers.
Billy
4/10/03
This is an actual letter from an actual loyal reader.....bs
DEAR BILLY: I desperately need your help.
My wife passed away yesterday and I just cannot get this burning question out
of my mind.
It all started last month when I encouraged my wife to take skydiving
lessons. She was apprehensive at first, but I reassured her that it was safe. I
would have joined her myself but I was recently injured in a freak Las Vegas
Blackjack accident. The severe paper cut left me unable to even work. I
understood her fear of me losing my only income if anything should happen to
her. That's why I took out the $5 million life insurance policy.
Anyway she jumped yesterday and the chute didn't open. I don't know what
happened. I packed that parachute myself. I can only assume this was an act of
God.
This is tormenting me. Can you tell me what to do? Here's my dilemma.
My new girlfriend and I are leaving for
My question is this. Is it okay to wear a Hawaiian shirt to the funeral?
-- GRIEVING IN
Dear Grieving,
Words cannot express our deepest sympathies and condolences on your loss, and also that of your girlfriend. I'm certain had they ever met they would have been truly good friends and thought only of your needs and desires.
When you return, contact a respected personal injury attorney since your wife's untimely and gruesome demise was most certainly due to a faulty product.
It's sad that the current state of world and national events inconveniences so many well meaning and honest travelers who are forced to alter their busy schedules so the new Transportation Security Agency can provide some appearance of security.
Considering how your wife is now in paradise, I think a Hawaiian shirt is a fantastic choice.
Godspeed,
Billy
3/26/03
DEAR ABBY: I'm kinda involved with this guy at work. He's my boss and he's
really hot. "Rod" and I started sleeping together almost a year ago,
and he's told me all along that he cares a lot for me. My problem is he says he
can't "be" with me, because he can't give me what I deserve
emotionally -- he can only fulfill my physical needs. Rod bought me a car and
has been generous in the money department. But a couple of months ago, he
started seeing this other girl. I refer to her as the "Sexless Unwilling
Virgin." Rod says he loves her, but he still wants to sleep with me. I
don't understand why he doesn't love me, and I can't figure out why he's never
taken me out on a real date. Lately he only stays over night when he doesn't
have anything else to do. Should I keep sticking it out?
-- IN LOVE WITH THE HOT ROD
Dear Ho,
I hope you have reported the car, money and gifts to the IRS as income because
you are a professional now. But at least you have gotten some lovely parting
gifts because you are totally clueless. (You have to be a blond)
OK, real slowly now H-e i-s p-a-y-i-n-g y-o-u f-o-r s-e-x.
You have to decide if you want to continue this part time job, because that's
all you are to him, hired help. When the sexless virgin finally gives in you'll
be looking elsewhere for your kicks and cash. You will find yourself
disappointed if you ever intend any normal relationships, because most decent
men won't pay you until after the wedding. Have you considered immigrating to
Billy