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310 to YUMA
Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, Ben Foster, Gretchen
Mol
I wasn’t sure I was in the mood for a western, but
after looking at what was showing, the rest were digital bits of alien crap. So
I put on my holster and headed for the nearest popcorn retailer. The movie is a
remake of an excellent 1957 Glenn Ford, Van Heflin oater. These films have
their recent origins, near as I can tell, in High Noon. (A mans got a job to
do, because it is the morally right thing, and damn, everybody else in town
turned tail. Do I condemn myself to certain death for a moral principal? Or make
the smart move and get out of town with everyone else and hope I’m not injured
in the stampede) The heroic farmer played by Christian Bales, a 25% disabled
ex-union soldier with a wooden leg was on a mission of redemption to establish
his heroic self- worth in the eyes of his son. Russell Crowe was on a mission
not to go to Yuma.
If you’ve ever been to Yuma I could see why—I would fight to the death not to
go myself—however it’s the federal court/ prison there Russell, as Ben Wade,
wants to avoid. There is a swapping back and forth of this plea for redemption
between Dan Evans our hapless farmer, harassed by his teenage son for
cowardice, also suffering from low self- esteem, and Russell Crowe, a brutal
outlaw, with wooden heart, sort of, lead us through. Ben Wade should be grateful he doesn’t have a
teenager riding along with him. Our heroic stars, of course, make the correct
choice—depending on your point of view. The result is a somewhat peculiar
ending. There is plenty of action, and
the camera waving was kept to a minimum—you could actually see what was going
on most of the time. And remarkably, a coherent and consistent story line
unfolded, in the tradition of a good story, making it enjoyable and pleasing to
watch. We all find ourselves in minor moral dilemmas many times a week, but may
not be aware of it. We perhaps simply make an unevaluated choice. Much of our
corporate behavior is absent any such moral considerations or evaluation. It’s
all about the money—the bean counters rule. Have you tried to get some obvious
billing error corrected in customer service lately? Have you read your credit
card agreement lately? I rest my case. *****Wooden legs
The Bourne ULTIMATUM
It’s another wild ride with Jason as he seeks to uncover
his forgotten past.
The story picks up after he has met and confessed to
Marie his part in the death of her parents, Heir unt Frau Kreutz . Jason seeks
only to be left alone and to discover his past. CIA, being the villain in this
series continues its pursuit of him and its death warrant continues with
difficulty of service. The movies are filmed in Berlin,
England, Madrid,
Morocco and Paris
with studio locations for other places, like Moscow. The outdoor scenes make for a fun
travelogue in the Bourne series, but this latest one has the least in the way
of good shots of the countryside. Also, if you’re prone to motion sickness
you’ll never make it through this show without a couple of Dramamine. The fad
now, unfortunately is to use excessive
quick cuts with excessive camera waving. It gets to be annoying after a
while.
(They used to teach people in video classes not to do
that. Hey, who am I to criticize art?] Jason manages to outsmart the CIA and
its various operatives and “assets” thru the story line per his modus operandi
after The Director determines he is an embarrassment and is the mole who has
been burning the “company.” He runs across a reporter for the Guardian who
manages to get some information on Operation Blackbriar and then whose cell phone
is detected by the CIA who is monitoring all, make that ALL cell phone
conversation in the WORLD, of course. Jason sees the newspaper article, makes
contact to have a friendly discussion of sources, and guess who finds out?
Naturally, several heads are cracked in this process. Jason determines as a
result of this meeting that Neal Daniels was the likely suspect who leaked
Blackbriar, and the CIA does also. The race is off to see who gets there first.
In checking out the Brokerage firm Jason runs across Nicky Palmer (Julia
Stiles), an old acquaintance from the Bourne Identity who provides a sparkle of
love interest. There is more cracking of the heads, Nicky jeopardizes her
position with the CIA and I will leave
it to you to see what happens. Jason next decides to take it to the top- Langley, Va.
wherein the conclusion of the movie plays out. There
is lots of twisting action, and Jason displays humanity, a trait not encouraged
in your average ’neo-cyborg assasin.’ But does Jason want to continue in this job
description? Or does he prefer to update his resume? [VITA: Neo-cyborg assasin,
looking to relocate to debt collection firm, car sales,political consulting, or
high school teacher. Salary negotiable, but payable thru Switzerland]
****Glocks
300
This flick falls into the ‘slasher- Spartan’ category. Oh,
you never heard of this category?’ Well, you’ve got your ‘slasher -girls in
cabin in woods’; ‘slasher-southern yokels’; ‘slasher-teen date’, etc. It is
based on the original comic book or, (nudge-nudge) ‘graphic novel,’ loosely
based on the Battle of Thermopylae, which is still studied for military
strategy addressing an opposition force of over whelming numbers.
Frank Miller, the author of the ‘novel’, founded it roughly
on this battle among those of the Greco-Persian wars. The King of Sparta,
Leonides, had a clever idea of defending against the Persian force in the pass
of Thermopylae, where the much larger Persian
force could not outflank them. The Persians were under Xerxes I. It is estimated there were 300 Spartans, 700
Thespians, and another 1400 assorted Greek combatants facing an opposition
force of several thousand. (No actual Thespians were killed or injured in the
filming of this feature.). The 300 is done in muted sepia color tones and cgi. You
don’t have the feel of being in a real place, but rather a fantasy
world—classic Greek meets middle earth. I expected Frodo and Bilbo to leap out
of the rocks any minute. You feel like your watching a video game but somehow
your controller is not working. Sort of the dream you have at night where
you’re playing Grand Theft Auto and some creep is stealing your Malibu SS and
you can’t blow him or her to hell because your controller is dead. The Spartan
army all looked like they had just come from the Mr. America contest or Gold’s
gym wearing identical leather Speedos. (Timmy, do you like Gladiator movies?)
King Leonides spoke as if he had voice training from Vin Diesel, and Xerxes I,
was done up as an eight foot, bald, Ru-Paul with James Earl Jones’ voice-now
there’s a mouthful. There are buckets of splashing blood, arms, legs, heads and
six-pack abs flying in the battle scenes and assorted monsters and deformities
to please the intended audience. It’s odd that we have become so sensitized to
brutal violence that we take it as comic entertainment. (Seems like the Romans
had these sorts of entertainments with Christians, gladiators, prisoners and
others assorted unfortunates.)
The 300 stars Gerard Butler and Lena Headey, as the King and
Queen Gorgo—both look good in their outfits. In the end, Xerxes and his
Persians perhaps “Surpassed that which is permitted.”
2-3 pairs of sweaty leather short shorts **-*** depending on
your taste for this sort of action.
Casino
Royal- (or Return of the tri-digit MI6)
December 2, 2006
I suppose the Broccoli Group were wondering what could
be done to freshen up the Bond series, and make it attractive for an audience
becoming more jaded with the Gizmos and infallibility of our hero. So they
chose to start at the beginning with Ian Flemings first of the series with
Casino Royale, from 1953. But this film has MI6 undertaking the destruction of
an international banker, Le Chiffre, who likes to help terrorists keep track of
their beans.
He has no desire to run the planet. In past films Bond
antagonists have invented some of the worlds most advanced design equipment to
run rough shod over civilization as we knew it. Of course MI6 were no slackers
either, as they continued to develop and refine gadgets for their double o
crew. One wonders why SMERSH didn't just patent what they invented and get rich
off the royalties instead of going to the extra trouble of trying to blackmail
one government or the other. But I suppose world domination is something we all
aspire to. So this new production, instead of trying to "out invent"
themselves with new fantastic gadgets decided to go the other direction and
make Bond more realistic. After all, Bond was on the verge of evolving into
Inspector Gadget. So Daniel Craig is the everyday hero who just gets the hell
beat out of him in the course of taking care of business.(I wonder what the
workers compensation premiums are?)
There is not a hint of the Englishman a la David Niven or Rodger Moore,
or even the Scot Sean Connery.
Every other frame reveals a new scar, scratch or major
band-aid. It's no wonder this new Bond packs a defibrillator in his glove
box--he needs an EMT team to follow him around. I think Craig comes across as
the successor to Steve McQueen as the ordinary guy who really never acquired
the bearing of royalty that the earlier Bonds somehow managed: I think it is
for this reason the film has started off big and has kept on running strong. As
such the film is another in the popular series of spy/ murder thrillers (like
the Jason Bourne series) that appear regularly --so it really isn't a Bond film
in the traditional sense. He even rejects the traditional question of his
preference "shaken or stirred" for his beloved vodka martini with,
“Do I look like I give a damn?"! Sacrilege! Just give him a Bud-light and
get it over with. There is a minimum of woman chasing but they do manage to get
his old Aston Martin into the script along with a new model and this is at
least a little encouraging; but that's about as far as it goes until he finally
utters "Bond, James Bond" in the very last scene. What we have here
is the death of 007 and the re-birth of Steve McQueen--it's been a long time
baby!
***Walther PPk's
THE LIFE ACQUATIC WITH STEVE
ZISSOU
Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Jeff Goldblum, Angelica Houston, Cate
Blanchett, Willem Defoe
I saw some gushing reviews of this film and am quite baffled. Again, I’m a
Bill Murray fan and I enjoy all of the actors in this film and was hoping it
would be a satirical masterpiece. However, it just fell flat. The accidental
irony about this film is that a story so dry in humor is about the sea. It is
Jacques Couseau pursues Capt Ahab’s white whale- here Moby Dick is the jaguar
shark. This is a difficult style of humor that not many Directors’ can manage.
Wes Anderson, I believe, while certainly capable of dry humor, was simply too
inexperienced as a Director to control Bill Murray and the others to get out of
them what was needed. The film’s cast is fabulous, but script just wasn’t hot
enough, which is equally baffling as Anderson
co-wrote the movie. There were many funny set-ups and bits, such as the cut
away ship innards, which the camera normally doesn’t expose, but they just
didn’t click. If this movie breaks even it will be a miracle- much like Moses
parting the sea. I saw no mention of Bud Cort’s part in the film as an
insurance man, doing the underwriting investigation and maintenance for
Zissou’s floundering documentary film career. If there was ever a connection
between jaguars, it was Bud and his in Harold and Maude. ** ½ Daimler’s
FINDING NEVERLAND ** *
Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet, Julie Christie, Dustin Hoffman
Hey, all you Peter Pan fan dudes put down those X-box controllers with Grand
theft auto on them for a minute—this is your cup of tea. Have you checked for
flying pixies, Indians, pirates, crocodiles or wood nymphs lately? Or are you
in the mood for an Elizabethan love story?
Yes, not even Spring, yet love in bloom.
But what love is it? Johnny Depp, playing J.M Barrie the author and
playwright loves to hang out with Mrs. Sylvia Davies, a widow and her brood of
brilliant children. He spends a lot of time playing in the park with her
children, and being in her company. As a result, he is inspired to write Peter
Pan, with John, Michael and Wendy supposedly based on her children: It is a
play and makes its debut successfully as such. The movie doesn’t show any foul
play between Barrie and the widow (or her children), but it is suggested both
by Barrie’s
wife, who feels left out, and Julie Christie who raises several questions of
propriety as the Widow’s mother. In other words, is it normal for grown men to
want to spend all their time playing with children? Is it mere coincidence
Michael Jackson (and his close advisor, Bubbles the chimp) named his little
playground “Neverland?” He likes to play with kids and yet everybody wants to
put him in jail!! I bet Michael could
use a little pixie dust right now. Well
in any case, as Bret Maverick’s pappy always said; “There comes a time in every
man’s life when he needs to stop playing with twelve year olds.” According to
this Hollywood version of Barrie’s
life, nor was there love in the carnal sense, between he and Mrs. Davies -or
for that matter his wife, Mary. The
heathen. So the question becomes, was J.M.
Barrie really Peter, or Wendy, or Tinker Bell?
Or was Mrs. Davies Wendy? And was Mary Barrie the model for Capt Hook?
Two of the Davies children were name Michael and Peter. (Actually, it was later
established Tinker Bell was reincarnated as Truman Capote). The movie moved a
little slow at first then built to an “oh so British” blubbering tearjerker. I
notice several parents brought children but this is not a “kiddie dumper,” as
the kids were bored. Leave the little rug rats at home with Grand Theft Auto,
where they can merrily shoot drug dealers and prostitutes, while the folks are
at the movies. *** Nana’s.
THE INCREDIBLES ***
Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Samuel L. Jackson, Jason Lee, Lou Romano,
Sarah Vowell, Brad and Michael Bird, Spencer Fox
This movie for me turned out better than anticipated. It started kind of
slow, but then it seemed to get better. It asks the sixty-year-old question:
what would happen if superheroes were dropped into the real world rather than
residing in the world of comic book or movie fantasy. A similar question was
asked in Woody Allen’s the Purple Rose of Cairo.
You take a two-dimensional movie character and drop him into the real world and
how does he adapt? But of course, in either example, neither really is dropped
into a “real world.” We have imaginary characters dropped into a celluloid
universe pretending to be reality. Huh? Well anyway, we are supposed to
understand it is to be our reality for the next 90 minutes. This is that old
suspension of disbelief thing. Whew, what am I talking about? The interpretive
world is along the lines of that developed for Sky Captain’s world of tomorrow.
Many of the cars Pixar “drew” in were mixed together parts of recognizable cars
and imaginary cars, the old classics. The buildings and skyline were ditto.
“Drawing” these characters ( with pens or mouse) must be a fun job. I think I
enjoyed this more than Spy Kids, though it was somewhat similar, and for some
reason I greatly empathized with Bob Parr, Mr. Incredible. Holly Hunter with
her recognizable mouth full of invisible marbles makes a good Elastigirl. Bob has trouble adjusting to the corporate
world of the insurance adjuster, and because of his built in “do-gooder”
attitude he keeps trying to find ways for people to collect even when they
weren’t really entitled to it- every corporations nightmare- an employee
interested in philanthropic assistance. The set designers; had a good eye for
the kitschy and you se e it through out
the set design. The daughter, Violet, whose voice is played by Sarah Vowell,
has her own little kitschy group of fans herself. She is a humorist and author
and has a certain following on PBS, but
they just didn’t give her the enough rope to strut her stuff. But it is an
enjoyable movie. We’re giving this *** Jack Jacks
TEAM AMERICA:
WORLD POLICE * ½
Gary Johnston, Joe, Spottswoode, Carson, Lisa, Kenny, Stan, Kyle, Matt
Damon, Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore Kim Jong IL, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins,
Jeanine Garofolo, Sean Penn, etc
This
movie looked like it was good for some laughs, but it fell short on that score.
It does get points for being heavy satire and good ideas that sound good on
paper, but I missed having more laughs. As you probably know, the creators of
Southpark wrote and directed the movie so Team America’s voices were all dubbed in
by Kenny, Stan and Kyle- no sorry, Trey and Matt. As I say, the concept is
good, but the movie could have benefited from some zany writing a la Zucker and
Abrams, of “Airplane,” fame for example.
They leave the viewer dangling with lots of missed opportunity for good one-
liners. The movie makes fun of America’s
tendency to police the world and destroy large segments of it in the process,
including the Eiffel
Tower, Great Pyramids
etc. It also makes fun of actors who come to believe they are who they play in
the movies: Alec Baldwin, Jeannine
Garofolo, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, George Clooney, and a
special place for Michael Moore. They, as the Film Actors Guild, collaborate
with Kim Jong Il in the destruction of the world for peaceful purposes. So we
have both the liberals and the conservatives destroying the world for peace; in
addition to the satire we have a little irony thrown in for good measure. As
you might suspect, this is not material fit for children, with puppet sex,
(both heterosexual and homosexual) projectile vomiting (lovely) and exploding
heads, puppet blood spewed about liberally. I guess you could call this the
“Mr. Bill” school of humor from the old Saturday Night Live Show. While the
concepts are funny, the joke gets old, and boredom starts to creep in as they
string you along, without real comedy lines accompanying the ideas. It’s just
dry, wooden, straight satire grinding on along the same theme. I ‘m sure the
die-hard Southpark fans will probably like this film, but on the scale of
long-term appreciation it will fall short. Ohh, Nooo, Mr. Bill * ½ Blix.
SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW *1/2
Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Giovanni Ribisi, Laurence
Olivier
This film looked like it ought to be fun, combining some old serial style
movie themes from the 30’s and 40’s with mechanica meets Buck Rodgers: an
attempt to reproduce another Raiders of the Lost Arc style movie. But, this is
a first movie for this Director, Kerry Conran (how do these guys get these
jobs?) and it just doesn’t work on any level. A story Kerry, a story, our
kingdom for a story!!! The filmmaker is
proud of all the computer generated special effects but we’ve seen it all
before, and there’s nothing new here- not even the flying transformers. The
entire film is done in the dark, in sepia tones, trying for s film noir effect
I guess, but it would have been better just to have done it in black and white.
The acting is weak and unconvincing and none of the actors seem the least bit
inspired or even interested. This is the first film I’ve seen Angelina Jolie in
that she isn’t wearing a t-shirt, and in fact wears a uniform the whole
time-whoo eee, where did the charisma go! Angelina Jolie simply has no charisma
with all her clothes on. Jude Law is too wimpy and too British to be an action
hero (where’s the next Sean Connery when you need him!) and charming Gwyneth
might have shown her stuff if she were the least bit interested. Course she’s
just getting back in the saddle from a couple of babies or something. And Yes,
you read the credits correctly, Laurence Olivier makes a command appearance,
although if he were able, I think he would of objected. Damn his heirs. 1 ½ Dex
TROY
***
Brad Pitt, Brian Cox, Peter O’Toole, Brendan Gleeson, Diane Kruger, Eric
Bana, Orlando
Bloom
This popular film came at the right time with the right theme for present
movie going taste buds. The film is obviously full of action and takes the
usual Tinsel Town stab at desecrating good
literature. But why whine about it? The
film tells a reasonably good story with action, love and adventure and will
sell a lot of tickets. I was hoping for a little more quality in the
screenplay, but what the hell. There are a whole army of scholarly purists
going apoplectic over the errors, omissions and intentional deviations in
Homer’s Iliad—but as pointed out – GUYS THIS IS A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE!! I read the
Iliad 25 years ago but I’m not going to go back and re-read it to point out the
distortions for you twinkle headed readers- GO READ THE ILIAD YOURSELF: I’VE
GOT BEER TO DRINK!! It was all I could
do to get through it the first time, but the movie version spoon-feeds it to you—like
a straw in your beer tower. What’s hard to imagine is this little dispute ran
on for ten (10) years. With a life expectancy of 24 years half of them would of
died, sword in hand, of old age; or they’d be carrying each other out to the
battle like geriatrics gone wild.
Really, the Trojan War was one of the earliest symbols of knuckleheaded
testosterone run amok. Fighting 10 years over one woman! This dispute
took place around 1193 BC although I’m not sure how they figure this; and, near
as I can tell, everyone was a whole lot shorter then, say 3 feet tall. Just
picture all this noble action in Troy
being populated by three-foot tall mini-Greeks, running around in little short
leather skirts, with little spears and little helmets for their little testosterone
filled heads. God, there’s a picture for you. Hey Agamemnon, love that size 2
shoe. Italian? It would have been more fun to me to have the goofy gods
intervening and tampering with fate like they always did for the early Greeks.
The Greek gods always had a game of checkers going on with everyone’s lives- it
wasn’t complicated enough to be called chess. And a lot of it revolved around
sex. Take Achilles mother, Thetis, (played by Julie Christie- what other
goddess could they find for the mother’s part?) who is the only god( Achilles
was half god) who appears in this movie:
Zeus was after her bod, but of all things she rejected him. Talk about
nerve, Zeus was the head Kahuna. So, because he feared her son would be greater
than he, he gave her to Peleus, a mortal. His mother dipped him in the river Styx to make him invulnerable, holding him by the heel.
You got it: that was his only vulnerability, being half god and all and
therefore the Greeks mightiest warrior. And Paris, the lovely coward was able
to savor revenge in application of his arrow and Achilles heel. Agamemnon
didn’t die in the capture of Troy
as in the movie because he had a lot of stuff yet to do. But when he went home
to visit the wife, Clytemnestra, she and her new sailor, Aegisthus, eliminated
the fool. They also killed Cassandra, who was Agamemnon’s concubine (where do
you get those these days?) Ajax, (the Lesser) in
the sack of Troy
raped Cassandra then gave her to Agamemnon: nothing like a Greek swap meet huh?
In the movie, Ajax
was killed early on. It was all fitting
though as Clytemnestra baby was the sister of Helen, and she had a bone to pick
anyway. Cassandra, you recall, was given the gift of prophecy by Apollo, but
she welched on her promise to be his lover, tsk, tsk, and insisted on light
housework instead, so he activated clause 6 of the contract resulting in the
circumstance no one would believe her prophecies. Naturally she warned
Agamemnon about going home, but no, the little guy wouldn’t listen. So there’s
an example of what I mean when I say the meddling gods are what made this stuff
interesting. *** Briseis
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTFREE MIND**
Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Tom Wilkinson, Elijah Wood, Kirsten Dunst
Caution! Will Robinson- Caution! –Art Film alert! You may have noticed most
of the reviews for this movie give it an “A” or comparable. Some even call it a
comedy. But what they don’t tell you is this is plain and simple an “art”
movie. You have to work at liking it. It has a lot of subtle clever little
ideas you people in the brain trust will figure out. The public doesn’t like it much I don’t think
judging from box office returns. There’s nothing wrong with art movies it’s
just that you should be told-IN ADVANCE. So you can take your dictionary in
with you and an MP3 player for entertainment. That’s why you should be a loyal
Larkinridge review reader: we will tell you this kind of crap. Main stream reviewers are concerned they will
be criticized for not appreciating this kind of film, so not to appear too bumkin-ish
they must give it an “A.” In the meantime you’ve wasted 2 hours of your
valuable time not to mention a few hard earned Billy bucks. However. Am I too
negative? Is my glass just too damned half empty? Well, if you dooo like art
films, this does have some interesting concepts in it such as erasing the
memory of your lover. The scenes involving the earasing of Carrey’s memory are
realistically dreamlike, as bits and pieces of his memory of places and
experiences with Kate Winslet vanish piecemeal. Of course, why would one want
Kate Winslet to disappear piece at a time anyway? The lovely Kirsten Dunst
makes an appearance in her skivvies, which may be most of the entertainment
value of this film. If you like to work puzzles while you watch your movies, this
is your cup of tea. ** Clementines
TWISTED ***
Ashley Judd has a charismatic presence. She is calm and assured of herself.
She has achieved promotion in the San
Francisco police Dept heavily dominated by men, and is
playing hell. The men are not going to tolerate her. She was the only
policewoman shown, which accented this absence of diversity. Where is Angie
Dickinson when you need her? The movie is a decent murder mystery with a few
twists. If you’re a movie mystery fan (I don’t mean Mystery Science Theater,
Boo Boo) you will likely recognize the bit. I managed to get through a large
popcorn so the movie was a success. There were a few good shots of San Francisco, but not on
the caliber of Vertigo, for example. ***Roofies
THE FOG OF WAR ****
Just when I was beginning to think all films nowadays are just renters, the
Fog of War comes along. This documentary won its categories’ Oscar and it
should have. It is nothing more than
reminisces of Robert S. McNamara’s seven years in Washington as Secretary of War. He was the
ultimate Hawk, during the Vietnam
years. It is quite thought provoking if you have any interest or concern that
man may utterly eliminate himself from the face of the earth. McNamara was the
ultimate rational person, Major Technocrat yet this process led to conclusions
that incendiary bombing of civilian populations was entirely justified as a
member of strategic planning in the Army: Are these decisions too important to
be left to a few? I have had the belief all of my life that surely no world
leader would be so irrational as to set off nuclear weapons. McNamara, speaking
with Castro, was told he advised Nikita Krushiev to go ahead and light their
tails, knowing full well Cuba
would have been utterly destroyed. And does anyone doubt that the same
terrorists who are exploding themselves daily would hesitate to set off a
nuclear bomb? It is said they are promised 54 virgins for such acts. I doubt
any of them could handle one healthy Texas
virgin. This movie is heady stuff. Appointment of McNamara may have been the
beginning of the modern corporate trend to name bean counters to top positions.
The common mistake is the belief that a company can cut and slash its way to
profitability. I hate to play the N card, but once we try to make killing efficient
and effective we begin to fall into the traps that Germany did during WWII. It also
surprised me to learn from Mr. McNamara we have attempted to assassinate
Shithead Castro 3 times under 3 different presidents. I knew we had attempted
once but not 3, and failed!! “How many times must the cannon balls fly, before
they are fore ever banned.”? Oh, sorry
flipped out to PP & M circa 1962. I wouldn’t of thought Philip Glass would
be the one to use for the soundtrack but the music developed is perfect in this
film. ****Thermonuclear triggers.
BIG BOUNCE *1/2 (ONE SHORT BOUNCE)
Once again, the Wilson
boys strike again. (My favorite Wilson
is still the one from Castaway)Owen and Andrew Wilson this go around. The novel, I’m told, originating this story
was not that bad-something was lost in translation. Where’s Bill Murray when
you need him? The movie is a crime mystery and you would think it would have
potential-it might have but with a different screenplay and director. Owen is
his lovable, charming, adorable, self-effacing own- self, and if you’re an Owen
fan he’s in nearly every frame of this movie. But he’s the same old Owen who
has definitely fallen into a rut with his shtick Almost as big a rut as Ben
Stiller shtick. Really, the thing to do would be to put Wilson and Ben together
again and do a shtickathon. Why not some tacky TV series like, Starsky and
Hutch!!! DOH!!!, I’m getting ahead of the story. Another baffling thing about
this film was why they bothered to get several well-known actors for cameos,
ship them all the way to Hawaii
then barely use them. They took Willy Nelson, and Harry Dean Stanton (who
didn’t even get a billing!!) who plays, of all people, Charlie Sheen’s father,
except you’d never know it. Gary Sinise, (who had actually about 5 scenes) and
with Willy about half of Texas,
including Mike Renfro and Tony Dorsett. What were they thinking? Owen’s love
interest, Sara Foster, who spent most of the movie in either a bikini or a
bedsheet, while attractive just didn’t exude much charisma that I could see.
Question of the day—Is charisma skin deep? In the charisma department, Bebe
Neuwirth had a small part but was a bright sea shell in the sand. Morgan
Freeman was OK, but lacked initiative. Owen, though a surfer slug, never
surfed, although we did see Brian Keaulana, Terry Ahue, and Kelly Slater: In
the distance. On a board. I think. The picture just loped along at an even pace
never building interest or excitement or one of those what you call, climax’s,
and never catching a wave. So, this film is just a renter, *1/2
Anahit Minasyans. Sorry boys. Joe Bob ratings: 0 breasts, no fu, no
explosions, one body, 3 threatening testosterone smirks.
BIG FISH ***1/2
The big question is how did Tim Burton manage to pull this mish mash of mush
together into a coherent love story. Thinking about the story and the plot, it
is amazing anyone would want to partake of it: reading the script beforehand
would cause me to run straight out the door. So maybe Burton’s got some talent thing here to put
this movie together. He might deserve the little gold guy for direction in this
effort, though really he resorts to amateurish techniques by employing every
freak he can find in the cast. Big Fish is the story of Edward Bloom, and he
appears both young in the form of Euuuwwwan McGrrrregor, and in present tense
as Albert Finney. It is striking how much like the young Albert Finney
Euuuwwwan looks, in life, as we know it. Equally so for Blooms’ wife, Jessica
Lang, whose younger identity is played by Alison Lohman who also looks a lot
like Jessica in her youth, both also resembling Sandra Dee. So there you have
it—everyone looks like someone else—except for Karl, who plays your typical
10-foot guy, who, in physical prowess, shall we say has no rhythm? Danny DeVito
had an interesting part as a circus ringmaster and Helena Bonham Carter did a
turn in dual roles. The obnoxious Billy Crudup played Bloom’s obnoxious son
Will with Marion Cotillard as Will’s wife, who was, alas, not the least bit
obnoxious even though French. An interesting twist is that Burton brought in Billy Redden, the boy who
plays banjo in Deliverance, now obviously an adult, who can be seen for a
fleeting moment on a porch with a banjo in his hands in Spectre, a mysterious
town that plays a role in the puzzle. He still hasn’t learned how to play it.
The Big Fish is Bloom, as is evident from the first frame, and this is a story
of abiding love that prevails in all its permutations, to the end. It is a
movie of extreme poignancy- possibly excessive poignancy and quite touching, as
such. ***Jing & Ping’s + ½ Soggybottom
LOST IN TRANSLATION ***(Where’s Bob? -He’s in Japan!) Caution-Will Robinson-Chic
flick warning!
In the mood for Moderne Romance? Are you a Bill Murray fan? Most seem to
either love him or hate him. But if you’re one of the 1% who is on the fence,
you may be able to take him in this Holly Woodified, Coppolafied Yap flick.
He’s been doing the sarcastic/condescending/smart ass persona for 25 years-but
here, he manages to strip off the smart ass and just play straight comedy with
a series of double takes at Japanese society and language. He even gives off a
suggestion of warmth, or even simple humanity at times. I’m curious if it was
his idea or the director’s to alter his comic identity. Scarlett Johansson, as
Bob’s love interest, has burst onto the screen essentially the last couple of
years and her star is definitely in ascension. Hers is a peculiar beauty, sort
of an Uma Thurman with Jimmy Durante’s nose. But she has that quiet vulnerability
that makes for fleeting glitterdome stardom. The director was Francis Coppola’s
daughter, who somehow managed to talk someone into giving her a break and
letting her write and direct a film. Such luck. The movie moves a bit slowly,
but it still manages to hold your interest. You keep wondering If Bob will fall
off his horse and toss off a smart-ass wisecrack—but he doesn’t. It is a comedy
with moody overtones encompassing an unrequited love story. I suspect Sofia
Coppola borrowed her theme from “Next stop Wonderland” an Indy film that was
popular with the “Hollywoodistas” a few years ago: the idea we can never know
the “vicissitudes of fate” that dictates who our life mate will be. It also
addresses the “When Harry Met Sally” Theme of “can a man and a woman be the
best of friends without sexuality entering into the relationship.” But are they
just friends or “in love.” “A yearning, turning burning love…dooby dooby
doo...” They are lost and disappointed
in their respective marriages, lives and jobs, searching for answers or
more probably questions. Will they find them—I’m not telling. As Joe Bob Briggs
would say, “ no foo, no explosions and
12 breasts.” Even though the film was shot
entirely in Japan
there was not one giant prehistoric lizard lurking under a bridge. How can a
movie be shot in Japan
without Godzilla, Mothra, Gorgo, or Speed Racer making an appearance? More unbelievably, no karate, Kung Fu
(foo) or other forms of Asian dirty fighting. The subtle humor and limited
slapstick provide prime comedy in my book. But then I’ve learned to like Murray.
Charlotte/Scarlett is not particularly a comedienne, but is a delightfully
accessible straight man. Who knows, she may someday develop into Carol Lombard.
***sandori’s
SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE **1/2 Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton
In the mood for a little romantic comedy?
This is a little romance and a little less comedy: in other words it is
almost entertaining and it’s almost a comedy and. it’s kinda romantic. I catch Jack Nicholson movies regardless of quality—it’s
a personal failing. But whoa, Jack baby is porking up in his doddering years.
The hook developed by the writer/director is that Jack is a 63 year old man who
has pursued young women all his life and then through some miracle of Hollywood fantasy decides the older woman, his
girlfriends mother, is for him: Diane Keeton becomes his ultimate love
interest. Amanda Peet is the attractive
young thing he pursues to her mothers house where he meets Diane who is a
successful playwright. This movie is a direct attack on the predominant fear of
women in our society that their man will leave them for a younger woman. It
even counterattacks by having a 36-year-old Dr., (Mr. Ted’s excellent Adventure
himself), pursue Diane—and that Dr. is Keanu Reeves. So Diane does a couple of
dates with Neo but I guess she just doesn’t like a guy in a long dark coat who
walks on the walls —but hey, she definitely goes for men with sunglasses. But
maybe all these characters are really living in a romantic Matrix, eh? This film
will be showing up on the Oxygen channel in about 6 months along with the usual
recipes and drivel, but for me the movie had weak writing and less discerning
direction. While the actors could have made this a great film, the material and
handling by Nancy Myers just fell short. It’s not a bad movie mind you, just
not as great as expectations would lead us. Something’s gotta give and it was
nearly me giving out waiting for it to end, THEREFORE I conclude: it’s toooo
dammmnnn loooong at 1hr 57min. Francis McDormand probably volunteered for the
project because it is a “woman’s cause” type movie- she’s typically in on
those. What is peculiar is why Nancy
named this movie the same name as Marilyn Monroe’s last aborted movie that was
never completed because of her death in August 1962. There is no plot
connection I can figure, as the old script reputedly was a remake of a remake
of a remake of the best version of My Favorite Wife with Cary Grant, Irene
Dunne and Randolph Scott. As much as I hate the ratings game, this is getting
** ½ black rocks.
LOVE ACTUALLY***
I had the sensation throughout this movie I was watching the return of
Bridgett Jones diary, what with Colin Firth and Hugh Grant. I found myself
looking for Renee Zellweger to show up. It is a light romantic comedy with
quite a cast of well-known actors. The real sleeper of a standout was Big bad
Bill, the Bad Granddad as Billy ,…Bill Nighy as a geriatric rocker once highly
successful trying to create a hit record like the good old days. He had partied all his life so long it
was just the way he was—rocker cool. Picture a Mick Jagger prototype. He was
competing with a younger, hotter band, Blue,
for No. 1 xmas hit. He admitted his was crap but huckstered the fans to
put him over the top. Hugh fell in love with one of his staff, Natalie, whose
father called her pudgy whom I took for a Monica Lewinsky. This show is
actually about 8 different love stories of requited and unrequited love, some
of which wind around each other. I wish Colin Firth would develop another
expression and mood sometime in his career as he always seems to have the same
look of despair. Why he was terrified to talk to the young lady hired to clean
his rented house in Portugal
didn’t click for me: arrogant bastards are not afraid of the help. Same thing
with Hugh, who was supposed to be the PM of England for God’s sake and yet
unable to comfortably speak with the hired help. On the other hand, Billy Bob
Thornton, as President of the US of A moved right in and jumped her. Speaking
of jumping , Hugh dances to “Jump” by the Pointer sisters through No. 10
Downing Street, ala Risky Business. The
show kept rotating among the various love stories. Alan Rickman and Emma
Thompson are a family with two kids and is a bit of a serious twist on the old
fidelity issue with an office tart. Emma Thompson comes across as a quality
person as she always does for me. She does an absolutely wonderful turn with an
altered Joanie Mitchell arrangement on her two timing husband. You’ve also got
your Leeson Neeham or Loosen Neesam, or Liam Neeson (why doesn’t he get a real
name anyway). He also has that Colin Firth problem thing going with the same
despairing expression all the time. Even his 12-year-old son Sam has a love
story going with the American girl with the same name as his recently dead
mother, Jennifer, I think. Oh boy. And wouldn’t you know, Sam has the same
expression all the time as Well!! -Just goes to show it’s all genetic, eh? Is
that an English thing or what? I guess they can’t smile because of their teeth.
Where did all the Alec Guinness’s and Laurence Olivier’s go with the new crop
of England’s
best? This movie is not a Kiddy Dumper; leave the kids at the mall or
something, you’ve got your basic R rating and there is a fair amount of nudity,
and splattering about of the Fucking “F” word. One pair of the featured love
birds are stand-ins “making a soft core
porno movie” scene.: which means this movie is essentially a “must see” for
Marty Larkinridge. There was a fair amount of sentimentality, and it kept you
interested though the writing was mediocre and maudlin in tone during much of
it, and there weren’t any memorable lines, like “Hasta la Vista Baby.” Or
“Don’t call me Shirley.” Laura Linney does a nice twist as a dedicated martyr
of a sister for a mentally ill brother—sacrificing her own opportunity for love
with Karl to do her family duty. *** Charles’s
MASTER AND COMMANDER (There’s brine in my soup matey!)***
Ye thrawn ill-feckit lap sided double toed
gaberlunzie!! Have ye lost yer dawdling’ sea legs? Have ye been land
bound since Jesus rolled the stone? Have ye never dangled from the mizzen
topgallants with a wee ration of rum?… It doesn’t seem like they’ve been making
any of these seafaring films lately, (Sorry, I’m not going to count Pirates of
the Caribbean) and this is a return to those
sailing movies of the 40’s and 50’s. I wouldn’t call this a swashbuckler, but a
sea novel. The movie is based on the books of Patrick O’ Brian, who must write
the most authentic 18th century sea stories around. He has studied
the ships logs of the British Admiralty and bases his novels on bits and pieces
of reality. If you’re at all interested in this kind of stuff it can’t be beat
for experiencing life aboard a British ship during the Napoleonic era. It was
indeed rough. Russell Crowe heads ;up the cast and Peter Weir directed; a
couple of Aussies running a British Ship of the Line. This film had the problem
of translating two books into a movie
and they endeavored to portray all the events of the pursuit of the French
privateer Acheron around the Horn but they touch so briefly on the various
aspects of the book they lose their grip on developing a smooth story line that
must complete itself in 2 ½ hours. There are only two real action scenes, one
at the beginning and one at the end and the middle is a bit muddled, and I
would think unless you are familiar with O’Brian’s characters Jack Aubrey and
Stephen Maturin you are probably missing some of what’s really happening. There
were recurring characters but you would never know unless familiar with
them. The screenwriters labored to
avoid the true dialogue and make it understandable, and did a bit of
explanatory dialogue for those not familiar with the nature of the British Navy
circa 1805. I enjoyed the movie but I’m biased and will give it a ***Jumpin
Billys, Sudden Deaths, Wilful Murders, and Hands of Glory.
Bubba Ho-Tep***
Ok. Need a little diversion for your movie palate? Need something to do
while you’re killing that half-gallon of Blue Nun? Looking for some Bruce Campbell whatzit? This
is your basic independent film that deals with the scientifically proven fact
that: Elvis traded places with an Elvis
impersonator who later died unrecognized and now the real Elvis resides in an
east Texas nursing
home. Hey…I’m not kidding. This is a real rumor. So if it’s real then this must
be a documentary? Or investigative reporting certainly up to the level of the
Dallas Morning News or Fort Worth Startlegram.
(Sorry I won’t stoop to calling this a
Mocumentary?) Oh, by the way, E’s
best buddy in the senior crib is, yahoo…John F. Kennedy. Now if you were to
look around for a guy to play JFK, who would you pick? Charlie Sheen? Martin
Sheen? David Seinfield? Kramer? Nah.
This is a no brainer. You pick… Ossie Davis. Well, it was either he or Danny
Glover!! Hell, Satchmo is no longer available. This film is a hoot, as they
say, if you’re into this kind of stuff. Speaking of Hooters, keep your eye on
Heidi Marnhout. Hout, Hout, Houter. She’s an up and comer, I predict.
Especially in the nursing home-mummy horror film genre. The sets are cheap, the
script lags here and there, with a few dull spots and dead air, and a very
non-Texas East Texas, but Campbell
was a funny Elvis when he got wound up and shaking it.. It’s also a horror film
if you’re wondering about the Ho-Tep part, and that’s just your average mummy
back from the dead to eat a few souls or life spirits or some kind of whohaaa. So you’ve got your scientific fact
about Elvis and your other scientific fact of the return of the Ho-Tep. You saw the Mummy didn’t you? Quit
complaining. This is a gasser, and I’m giving it 3 *** because I’m occasionally
bi-polar. (Or is it psychotic- I get those mixed up sometimes- but only because
strangers are watching me) ***Callie’s
MATCHSTICK MEN***
I had not heard the term "matchstick man" before for the
description of a con artist. Our pal, Nicolas Cage has more phobias than Jack
Nicholson in "As Good as it gets." He keeps things just really clean,
and was his usual twitchy self. He and
his partner Frank work a lot of scams, but they have to work around his quirks
and absences. When he runs out of his pills he has to find a new Dr. to provide
them. Then, the daughter he never knew he had shows up, and he has to clean up
his act, or so he thinks. She has other ideas. About 2/3rds of the way through
this movie I was thinking I didn’t like it. When the movie pulled toward and up
to the climax, and then ended, I was glad I hadn’t read any reviews or seen any
TV interviews as this always ruins a movie for me. I want to be surprised not
just about the ending, but also about all the parts that lead up to the ending.
I would have to say I found the movie interesting, but perhaps not as much as
some of the glowing hype I’d seen. I think I was more fascinated by the sets
and music. I guess LA is doing the 60’s retro thing big time. Mod is in. Boy we
could show those Hollywood set designers some
parts of Fort Worth
to gawk at for days. *** Angelas
FINDING ARNOLD, no I mean, THE TERMINATOR 3, RISE OF THE MACHINES ***
Ok, the burning question is why do cyborgs need teeth? Well obviously if
they can’t talk they can’t run for office, right? But Arnold looks good for an aging cyborg, with
or without teeth. He’s managed to replace the paunch with a six-pack and buff
up the equipment. He is again a good
guy, and I like that. If you’re a Terminator fan you will like this latest
movie. The audience I watched it with actually applauded the ending: we are
talking some T fans. I noticed in several reviews and TV promo/"news
interviews" they interviewed the other two stars, but they didn’t have the
T-X unit there. The evil T-X terminator, Kristanna Loken, was hot and
charismatic, and one indestructible date, yet I’ve seen little mention of her. I
think if the Hollywood
jealously machine doesn’t cut her off she’s bound to have a future on the big
old screen. The future is safe for now. *** T-800’s
FINDING NEMO ***1/2
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have Albert Brooks as a
father? Here we have a much better use of Albert Brooks than in "The
Inlaws": Naturally, an anal, neurotic clown fish. This cartoon feature is
clever enough to delight adults and children and CNN’s former boss, Ted Tuna.
My four-year-old date was able to hang into her seat cushion almost to the end;
the older kids and adults found it engaging and entertaining. Ellen DeGeneris
does a good turn as Dory, the fish with that Memento Memory Thing- you know;
absence of short term m, m, m, memory. The sharks were on the 12 step, lets not
eat our fellow friends the fish program, like fishes anonymous; or MADD,
Minnows Against Devouring Devilfish, like one of those grouper- help chapters
that flop around the world. ***1/2 lucky fins
THE INLAWS **
We’ll just call this looking for comedy in all the wrong places. Damn, I was
in the mood for comedy and was being very broadminded and went to this movie
knowing it was apparently not selling many tickets. And whoa, Michael Douglas
is no Peter Falk! Yes, the little one-eyed guy ran circles around Douglas, even without his Peugeot convertible. Faulk had
just the right tone of condescension and bogus assurance. I was a little
disappointed to see Albert Brooks in this knock-off of a minor classic, as he
usually does his own projects, kind of Woody Allen-ish, but of course he
equaled Alan Arkin’s talent as the dazed and amazed Doctor. Brooks must have
added a few lines of his own as they had his flavor and style and were some of
the few funny parts. This movie had a few good zingers and one liners a la Bob
Hope providing light chuckles intermittently; however, it never really got
fully airborne and fails to pull you in, and makes one wonder if Hollywood
could resist stooping to anything to make a quick buck: Never mind- stupid
question. Have they re-made Casablanca?
I enjoyed and thought David Suchet did a great job as the bad guy: Jean Pierre
Thibodeaux. He’s familiar for his portrayal of the plump and fastidious little
Belgian, Hercule Poirot in the Agatha Christie mystery series on TV. It would
be fun to see him in a bigger role in a comedy. ** Olga’s
A MIGHTY WIND ****
A MIGHTY wind indeed. Satire of the folk music fad of the late 50’s and 60’s
drives this little gem of an experience.
The cover song, "Old Joe’s Place," on the movie soundtrack is
absolutely hilarious: "A puppy in the parlor, a skillet on the stove, a
smelly old blanket that a Navajo used to wear!" Christopher Guest is again
doin’ his thang here, as is Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara as Mitch and
Mickey Michael McKean and Harry Shearer. There’s a lot of speculation as to
whom the groups represent, but they are composites with identifiable
similarities. **** Banjos
LAUREL
CANYON*1/2
I’m at a loss to understand Francis McDormands inclination to do this movie.
She must have considered it a "break out of the mold move." The movie
was for me a dark and depressingly vacuous trip down drug and party lane. OK,
this is Larkinridge, a trip down drug and party lane is never depressing!!
Party party, party!! Just kidding. It is
a movie for 20 year olds or older shitheads still too inexperienced to know or
understand fully the cause an effect of party party party. In the language of
the screenplay’s own dialogue, "It w not eating fellow fish as uninspired
and "doesn’t pull you in." Of course I suppose that very dull
experience could have been the message, they invited the viewer to live the
effete existence of a rock star with no purpose other than to dope, screw and
occasionally play guitar and that hey, there may be no lasting quality of life
in this lifestyle: but no, no, they couldn’t of been that aware! This was a
misguided effort. Oh, by the way, I don’t particularly recommend this one.*1/2
riffs
THE QUIET AMERICAN ***1/2
I was pleasantly surprised at Michael Caines’s performance in this film and
consider it to be one of his better efforts of the last decade. In so many of
his recent films he just seems to be gliding through, doing his job. Brandon
Fraser does an unusual job of serious acting, as it seems he specialized in
satires or comedy or spoofs such as The Mummy. The film is darkly accurate of
1950’s Vietnam,
when it was still French Indochina. The film has the morose tone typical of
Graham Green, the English author. Much of the dialogue must have been pulled
from the novel as it is very good, or least better than usual screenplay
dialogue. It is a tragic love story and not an action-adventure film. Many
consider this an anti-American film, but it isn’t. It’s a fact we fought
communism and took extreme measures to eliminate it wherever and whenever
possible. It only took 100 years and the death of several millions of us for
social, economic or geo-political Darwinism to demonstrate the force of the
universe and the end of Russian Marxism (the mother of all communism). The fall
of Russian communism in the early 1990’s was as much a result of espionage and
political manipulation as an exercise of pure economic muscle. Russia was
forced to announce its fundamental theoretical and economic failure in order to
avoid complete collapse of its society. It is a cosmic rule bad ideas will not
prevail in the long run regardless of what you or I think. Man is given to
thinking in microcosmic segments, convinced our paltry ideas must be absolute
or correct; but framed only in the nanosecond of our earthly experience. We may not learn, but our progeny will know,
assuming our self-destructive nature is such that the world is still populated
by man/womankind at that future date. One might wonder whether Dinosaurs were
the apple of God’s eye in their time who somehow lost their justification for
existence. He has a very large India rubber eraser. Please forgive the heavy
and ponderous nature of this review, but Graham Green does this to me. The good
news is there are not many more of his books likely to become movies anytime
soon. If you’re in the mood for some
serious tragedy cast about a time of revolution mixed with a love triangle this
film will delight. If you prefer escapist adventure a la Swarzeneggar, Stallone,
etc. then you will be disappointed. The film realistically portrays
communist/democratic/fascist terrorism and has some graphic violence and
assorted body parts. ***1/2 grenades.
BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE **1/2
Damn, I was ready for good comedy and Steve Martin is a talented pro. But
this was a let down. Was it just me? The audience seemed to get a lot of laughs
out of this predictable TV quality sit-com. The shtick of dropping the black
person into middle white suburbia was done much better in Beverly Hills cop and for reference that was
a lot funnier. I was sorry to see Martin settle for this part lowering his
standards to accept claptrap like this. Queen Latifah, or Ms Charlene Morton
has a lot of publicity going on this movie and she held up her part, but the
real standout and great comedienne was Missi Pyle playing a white socialite
bitch sister of Martins ex-wife. Betty White was her dependable self as the
local neighborhood racist. Does she ever age? Depending on your taste in
comedy, this could be the laugh riot of the decade for you. For me, though,
this Martin-Morton romp was all too familiar. **1/2 Queens
LORD OF THE THINGS, ER RINGS, DER TWO TOWERS ****
How about a short trip to Middle Earth?
Check your ticket; are you with Carnival Cruise Lines? Or the gang in Jamaica. Only
on Larkinridge will you get the true scoop: you only heard it here: DWARF
TOSSING, one of the world’s most endearing sports, started in Middle Earth at
the battle of Helms Deep when Gimli asked Aragorn To toss his bad self onto the
drawbridge to continue the good fight with the Uruks, or Orcs or Yuk Hai’s, or
whatever the hell these serious party poopers like to be called. Ok, Frodo, Sam
and the tour guides are back. But they have managed to capture film lands
biggest scene-stealer since Jerry Lewis. Gollum, an original bearer of the ring
has tracked them down for his precious treasure, but the Hobbits, incompetent
in every regard otherwise, capture him and talk him into
"voluntarily" leading them to Mordor and Frodo staggers on with the
evil and powerful ring, succumbing slowly to its power. Gollum does a fine job
of portraying your alter ego, that one we all try to hide from the world. In the meantime Legolas, one of many very
tall yet blond elves, and the others continue on. Gandolph, you remember, (Am I
giving anything away?) was tail whacked into a fire pit and presumed dead.
Actually he was partying down with those fun loving Balrog, just not
willingly. At that stage he was known as
Gandolph the Filthy, no, the Gray. Come on Ganny, toss the duds into a tub ‘o’
Clorox. Then after a brief struggle with evil, he returned as Gandolph the
White: Cleaner, brighter and much spiffy-er. As this was a long movie-take a
bedpan with you if you don’t want to miss anything. (I’m giving it ****4 bed
pans) I thought this movie better than the first episode as the story seemed to
flow along a little more swimmingly. Psssss, Saraurrarrararaman is still alive.
ABOUT SCHMIDT ***
I can’t resist a Jack Nicholson movie but this one is a bit overrated.
Everybody else seemed to like this more than I did, although I did like it. It
is incidentally a comedy or possibly a satire although this escapes everyone
including the recent Golden Globe awards that gave Jack a Globe for best actor
in a drama. I suppose one could find humor in most anything, but the
Director should be able to come across with a few clues. Jack plays a meek and
mild regular guy on and then ooovvveeerrrr the crest of retirement. He started
out as a modest guy and ends up as a modest guy. That’s OK. We can’t all be
Christopher Reeve. He gazes out over the seemingly empty field of retirement
and sees boredom. In a way, it’s like the end of the old movie The Graduate.
Dustin Hoffman was in a daze not knowing what his future would be. Well, here
he is again, at the end of his career not knowing his future and in a daze
again. The movie oddly seems to blow its climax. It spends considerable time in
plot development around his daughter’s marriage then just lets it dribble away
in a modest, meaningless little speech. This movie was not as good as it gets
and that movie (As Good as it Gets) was better for comparison purposes. The
butt licking critics (blc) gave it a higher rating than I thought was
justified. Sorry Jack, *** Jacks.
CATCH ME IF YOU CAN **1/2
This was a lighthearted little story based, Hollywood
style, loosely, roughly, distantly, vaguely on a true story. However, as there
are so many lies in Frank Abagnale"s autobiography, debate will be raging
for years as to what in fact he actually did. It entertains but will not be one
of Spielberg’s top 10 or so. Tom Hanks does a strange sort of New York accent but it’s ok and DiCaprio
plays the out of control kid well. One factual divergence of note is that while
the movie sets up several visits between DiCaprio and his father, in a effort
to justify the formers behavior I suppose, in reality, he never saw his father
again after leaving home while in High School. The real Frank Abagnale lives in
the Midwest and has made bookoos of bucks as
consultant to banks for security and fraud. If you’re in the mood for some
popcorn go check this one out. ** ½ NSF’s.
KNOCKAROUND GUYS **1/2
The Sopranos kids meet the Godfathers kids. Ok, so what do you do when your
daddy’s rich and you have all the money you want but you just don’t have any
responsibility or purpose in life. Well, you could always, GET A JOB. But what
is the right job for the under bosses son? He could work at the car wash? No,
he could be a bagger at Safeway, No. He could work for his …under boss father.
Curious. . Malkovich and Hopper’s New Jersey/NY accents were B grade and I was
surprised they attempted them, then LEFT THEM IN THE MOVIE. But it’s a rough
world out there, full of bad, rough, but attractive gangsters. Malkovich and
Hopper were the odd couple of Hollywood
gangsters. Tinseltown thugs. Vin Diesel is a hot commodity and symbolic of
today’s youth. Or Yoot, as Vinny would say. Long on muscle and short on class.
In the old days this character was always called "Moose." Vin does
have a crude charisma, and as the twelve year olds market dominates movies, he
will be popular for about as long as Stallone and Swarzenegger will be. I
thought this film would have more levity and clever writing than it did. What
can I say-I was wrong again. But this film tells a story and the plot will keep
your interest, possibly, and as usual I’m not going to tell you the plot,
although it’s not excessively gripping. **1/2 Cadillac’s. Unfortunately, it
would be a kiddy dumper but for the R rating.
BANGER SISTERS **
I was stoked for a good comedic experience with this crew, as Goldie and
Susan can be good and Goldie always seems to have a certain charismatic energy.
However, it turns out this film was Hollywood
propaganda. Susan Sarandon seems determined to educate we lowly midlanders who
lack the sophistication of them Hollywood
inteeelucktuals. It is another assault on mid-American values and family, a la
Thelma and Louise. Thelma and Louise you recall were out to teach us men what
sexist pigs we all are. Banger girls
Goldie and Susan are here to splane to us what hypocrites we are because we
adults no longer do drugs, take LSD at rock concerts and try to lay every
sexual candidate we run across: We should get real, and be true to ourselves
and who we are by acting like we did when we were nineteen years old. In this
movie Susan is a staid mother, pillar of the community, with two teenage
daughters and husband with political aspirations. Goldie, the honest one, has
spent her thirty years as a bar tender and part time prostitute. When Goldie
comes to town after losing her job(s) wanting to borrow money from her long
lost groupie pal, Goldie discovers, disapprovingly, what a phony Susan is in
her new life. The film idiotically ignores the natural progress we all make
through life learning what things are valuable and what things are foolish in
our transition from childhood to maturity. Being true to who one really is
doesn’t mean returning to immature childhood values. If you’re of the opinion
it is wise to do LSD and smoke crack the rest of your life, then you could hang
out with the Hollywood gang. If you further
believe its good to encourage your children to do drugs and engage in sex at
the earliest age possible, then you could become a bona fide Hollywood
inteeelucktual. After all, it’s only being honest, right? Goldie has aged and
her role makes her look worse, definitely rode hard and put up wet. However her
screen appearance was vivacious and she was her usual fun self. I didn’t hear
anybody laughing in this movie when the jokes flew by and think it was poorly
written and directed. I’ll give it ** because it may have been an honest
attempt to do a message film; but the message is screwed. Definitely not a kiddy dumper. ** Peniroids
MOSTLY MARTHA *** (Caution Will
Robinson! caution! - subtitled!)
A German film with an all German cast whom we find clattering around
the kitchen of Lido restaurant with knives,
colanders, slicers and dicers. I guess that ‘s better than bayonets and hand grenades.
Martha is a top-notch executive chef who is a driven, workaholic
perfectionist-but then I did say she was German didn’t I? I guess that’s
redundant isn’t it? Being a German film rather than French, Italian or Hollywood, it didn’t
dwell on a lot of silly emotional issues but rather presented inter personal
problems as they were, no frills, just German efficiency. Martha is so manic in
"her" kitchen that her boss, Frida the owner, insists that she see a
therapist weekly. She of course has no idea why. What would happen if a child
and a man came into her life? Well that’s the story and Lina and Mario, a sous
(unter)chef, appear shortly thereafter, the latter having been hired by Frida
without consulting Marta. Grrrrrrr. This is an adult film in the sense it has
no explosions, chase scenes, murders, violence or nudity (not that there is
anything wrong with that, Seinfeld-nudity is ok, it’s those damn bad words I
hate). It is not for 12 year olds and not a kiddy dumper. ***Cleavers
‘
ADVENTURES OF PLUTO NASH ** Brunos
This movie is essentially for Eddie Murphy fans and is a cops and robbers
space mystery. They spent a lot of time on set design and special effects and
there were many interesting little tidbits of futuristic gadgetry. The movie is
a comedy/mystery al la Eddie Murphy style. If you like Eddie, you’ll like this
movie although it’s not a great movie but will at least hold your
interest(although I’ve heard others say they were bored) Randy Quaid plays an interesting part and
thank God he’s in it as it needs all the help it can get. Randy is always fun
to see and is a reliable character. I should warn you most of the buzz is bad
on this show so be warned to catch it at bargain time. There were some
interesting concept cars that might catch the fancy of car aficionados. **Brunos, unfortunately.
SPY KIDS 2, take flight *** Ralphs
We’re talking gadgets here, things flying, crawling and creeping everywhere.
The special effects were great and produced some potentially interesting
amusement rides for the future. The movie was a sort of Spy Kids goes to Jurassic Park, with all the usual suspects from
the first movie with an appearance by Ricardo Montalban in his flying
wheelchair. This movie is so full of gadgets it might be overgadgeted, but
since this is the ultimate kiddy dumper I don’t think it matters. Kids will
love this movie and even the parent that draws the black bean and has to take
them will be entertained. As this movie was designed for kids, in its category
it is one of the better kiddy dumpers to come along in a couple of months. The
action does keep moving along with one fantastic thing after another but hey;
this isn’t "On The Waterfront." Donnagon, the character that beats
out Antonio Banderas as head of the OSS
was a novel choice, as he is the voice and creator of Hank Hill and the voice
of Kenny on Southpark and Beavis of Beavis and Butthead. They could have called
this movie several things like, "Beavis and Butthead Do the Spy
Thing," or "Kenny Runs the CIA."
This one gets *** Ralphs’ for the kids and is adult watchable. Top-notch
kiddy dumper.
SIGNS, point down not up **1/2 Green Things
There they were again –those damn crop circles! I’ve tried that with my Murray lawnmower but
couldn’t achieve the same dramatic effect. I couldn’t get beyond the first two
corn stalks. This movie is an effort to create suspense about an alien contact.
This director doesn’t know suspense yet, he knows mystery, just not
suspense. He has mastered one or two
things that work fairly well but it just didn’t reach the psychological level
of terror it should have. Now since this is a bit of a mystery film I don’t
want to give away too much: unlike Ebert
the Greatbert, and others who want to tell you the story bit by bit and then
hold the ending back. But every little plot twist is another piece of the
enjoyment of mystery, and I want everything that happens to be a surprise.
(With the exception of bad popcorn-like that last damn UA visit) Oh well, so
much for review philosophy bullshit. The way this movie hit the box-office I
thought it might be a bit better than it is. The movie held my interest but the
tension level just wasn’t there for me. It might scare the littler kiddies so I
would be cautious about that. I would think kids 8 or older could handle it so it
is a kiddy dumper if they can walk. I recall my father took me to some of these
sci-fi scary movies as a 6 to 8 year old and I’ve been permanently scarred. But
hell, maybe I started out scarred? The movie spent way too much time focusing
on Mel baby, in my humble opinion. Also, second banana Phoenix Redux actually
will have a great future as an actor-I think he has talent, although there was
no opportunity to show it here. It’s also clear he has no future as a
carpenter-watch closely as he hammers some nails boarding up the old homestead.
I was initially thinking we needed to be nice to the director for political
correctness reasons, but hell, he did very good with the Sixth Sense and Stuart
Little, so he’s up and coming. But, but, The Sixth Sense was, in my humble
opinion much better. I haven’t seen any of his others so no time for director
critic yet. This film is good but not great. (gbng). **1/2 Green Things.
K-19 Takes a dive…. ** ½ Rads
A cold war movie cast in 1961 or ‘62 or so while Kennedy was president, and
the Russians had to prove to America
they were capable of atomic retaliation in the event of nuclear war. This movie
held my interest without any boring gaps. For some reason, they had Harrison
Ford (no relation to Edsel) and others attempt a Russian/English accent. The
accents came and went with various actors and it drove me crazy. I thought we
all agreed a few years ago that the universal language to be used to indicate
foreign accents was to be British English? Or English English, or however you
say that. I suppose the bottom line in this movie is the ugly reality of
nuclear threat and the dangers we continue to face with the use of radioactive
power sources. This movie was made possible because of the downfall of the Soviet Union and the resulting availability of
information about K-19’s story. It carries the message that nuclear devastation
is still quite possible and a reminder that exposure to radiation remains a
horrific possibility in a peacetime environment: i.e. Chernobyl. They presented a view of how
propaganda and the news showed America
to be an evil and deceitful country full of greedy capitalists, and one could
get an inkling how so many Russians might believe we were the bad guys.
I liked Marty’s comparison to the original Star Wars plot (see Marty’s review)
where it was Harrison reprising his role as
Han Solo and Liam Neeson as Chewbaca. There they all were again flying a piece
of junk capable of serious warp factors, trying to hold it together with duct
tape and baling wire to save the crew. I
suppose because of the recent Red October and various other similar films, this
one gets ** ½ rads. No little gold guy chances here. Not a kiddy dumper as they
will sit there with confused looks on their little grimy, Hershey smeared faces.
MINORITY REPORT *** ½
Pre-cogs
While the tone of this movie was deadly serious, it was a refreshing return
to actual science fiction. Most movies nowadays claiming to be science fiction
are not-they are merely soap operas in space. Generate a few monsters and toss
a current story line into deep space. Real science fiction tries to project
into the future and present problems occurring in a world we don’t know. They
may foretell where we are going in our lives and civilizations
. While Tom Cruise was as sullen as a Tommy Lee Jones, if you ignored him
and focused on the story, it was interesting. There were many gimmicks in this
film we now call technical effects. And they were top notch. It will be interesting to see if the Academy
offers any little gold guys to Spielberg and crew for special effects. The
movie is generally not little gold guy (lgg) quality but for the special
effects. The film has taken a lot of hullabaloo for the commercial inserts,
because product placements are placed quite obviously. But I think that in
addition to the cash infusion it did project the future. Lexus was consulted to
make a serious effort to project the car of the future and it was believable.
But everything is going commercial anyway, as is obvious in our sports stadiums
that are now MasterCard stadium rather than whoever they really are. The lively
and interactive products, such as a box of cereal with live action advertising
on it were really cool and probably something in our near future. It presents a dark and liberty vacant future
world-but hey, that’s where we’re going. Every year we lose a few more freedoms
and don’t care. Here the justice of being punished before the crime is
committed is assumed acceptable. I’m sure by 2046-2054 it will be. You will
be punished for your bad thoughts! It’s not really a feel-good movie as how can
reality ever really be satisfying. But if you like real science fiction, I
can’t think of a better example since Blade Runner or the similar Soylent
Green. If you’re into science fiction
***1/2 Pre-cogs. If you don’t get science fiction, ** pre-cogs, Not a good
kiddy dumper.
MEN IN BLACK II *** Jeebs
You know what this is and roughly what it’s about, don’t you? And you still
want to see it don’t you? I thought this was as good as the first. The first
had the advantage of being original and fresh while this one had to try to come
up with something a little different. Achieving the correct tone for an
American adventure comedy seems to be difficult for a lot of directors, but
this director has it down. I accidentally heard an interesting interview with
Barry Shoennfeld, the director of both of these and he was by his own words a
neurotic lump. He was so terrified this film wouldn’t match the success of the
original he had a heart attack, he thought, the second week of filming. It
turned out to be only a panic attack, but while on the way to the hospital and
thinking he was having a heart attack he said he kept thinking there are only
two things that can happen and its win-win." I live and I don’t have to
finish shooting this damn film or worrying about it or I die and I don’t have
to finish this damn film or finish making it.
I don’t care which it is." We’re talking some serious anxiety here.
He said he was having these thoughts even knowing his family would be hurt. As
a patient, he said, the producers and other hangers on let up on him enough to
do his own thing and finish the movie in the style we are accustomed to. He
said all his life he has been terrified of watching horror movies and has never
seen one! He thinks this is good for his directing talents. Even at that he is
adept at taming your basic alien monster types and having them perform like
Abbott and Costello and that is a tricky routine. They actually fitted Tommy
Lee Jones into deadpan face and had him do a little Buster Keaton shtick and it
worked. (They must of gotten one of those MI faces that Tom Cruise keeps
pulling off every few minutes for Tommy Lee) Tommy Lee always seems to have a
sulking sort of look in most of his movies, but here he seems to approach some
sense of comedy. Adventure comedy films are an American specialty even if
Jackie Chan is doing a good job with that oriental copy thing. *** Jeebs:
Definitely a great kiddy dumper. Jack
THE BOURNE IDENTITY **1/2
Wombosi’s
Another film I was looking forward to. However, while it was tautly directed
with the requisite action scenes it failed to engage. I don’t know if it was
Matt Damon as too boyish to be Jason Bourne or what—but the film just didn’t
pull me in. (Where’s a Sean Connery when you need one?) Matt played a killing
machine, a "Thirty million dollar weapon" which was all well done.
Ok, Ok he’s good at Kung Fu and Tai Chi and all that brutal dirty fu fighting.
But, hey, he was just too nice to be this character. After all, an assassin
can’t just be the wonderful Opie Taylor next door can he? On the other hand, I
guess a good agent would be deceptive: hell, I may have some neighbors who are
actually CIA people, or maybe in the witness protection program! Hell, I better get a concealed gun license—no
telling when the neighborhood may erupt in gunplay and I may need to defend my
country. (If I can just figure out which dudes are the bad guys. I know I know,
the blond guys with the short haircuts and Austrian accents. Or. Maybe the
swarthy Middle Eastern guys in the robes and funny hats). The female lead is a
German actress that I didn’t know I had seen, but was in Blow: Franka Potente.
She seems to have a certain potential for charisma but as she was Bourne’s love
interest, and the love chemistry never took off, it was hard to tell. She was
an interesting choice—a brave choice to some extent, as she has no discernable
box office. In the right European intrigue film with the right co-star she
could be exceptionally effective. I think the most significant aspect of this
film for me was the German and French photography. It was a good travelogue.
Not a particularly good Kiddy Dumper, and we’ll go ** ½ Wombosi’s. Jack
SCOOBY DOO ** Doos
Time flies because I used to plop the kids down to watch this old TV series.
It was harmless enough and was a little mystery show for the kids. Hollywood, attempting to
be all things to all people and make a quick buck has a taken a cartoon series
and made a movie using real people. If real people can be turned into cartoons,
I guess cartoons and comics can be turned into real people. For some reason
several critics including Ebert the Greatbert panned this one. Obviously Scooby
Doo was a kid’s show and still is. It was never intended or expected to be a little gold guy contender. If you like to
watch the cartoon, you will like this. If you don’t care for the cartoon, then
this movie will bore you. It’s just a kiddy dumper anyway and does the job. Hollywood managed to
include some mild sexual innuendo and the obligatory fart scene. I thought they
went out of their way to faithfully recreate the cartoon characters and the
actor playing the goofy Shaggy role came close to the cartoon version. If you
like Scooby Doo, ** * Doo’s but if you’re not a fan of the TV show, * ½ Doos.
This is no Hamlet, but a good kiddy dumper.
Jack
THE WINDTALKERS ***Mums
This movie turns out to be a heavy WW II drama cast in the Pacific Theatre,
where the Navajo code talkers served during the "Big One." You’ve
heard by now about the Navajo code talkers who successfully communicated for us
after the Nipponese broke every code we through at them. I’ll bet those
Japanese are good at cross word puzzles too! This is a drama cast around orders
for two U.S. Marines to protect them and the code and what happens to people
who must kill everyday for a living. There are lots of explosions, gunfire and
flying body parts here. But then, John Woo wouldn’t have it otherwise woo he?
In some of his other movies I think he goes overboard with the explosions and
pyrotechnics but this is perfect- A WAR MOVIE. I can’t recall seeing more
accurate portrayals of Japanese soldiers and ordinance since Tora Tora Tora and
Midway. They were using real Arisake’s 7.7’s, or 6.5’s or some damn thing and
you could almost see the mums, and the uniforms looked right. This movie puts
you in the trenches and gives the viewer the feel of close infantry combat.
Fair amount of bloody encounters and flying body parts suggests this is not a good
"Kid dump:" Similar to Full Metal Jacket and Platoon. *** Mums. Jack
MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING …*** Uzos
I went to this movie thinking it was one of those Adam Sandler or Porkys
movies which is the only reason I could think of why it was still playing after
several weeks at the ole’ AMC. It isn’t. It’s a (Oh My GHHAAD) chick flick: A
love story; a mixing of Greek and Scottish cultures, and "the
hilarious misadventure the pair encounter." Well, OH MYY GHAD! It’s one of
those quiet little movies that are entertainingly light with no mayhem,
explosions or flying body parts. Damn! Where are those flying body parts when
you need them! I’d never heard of Nia Vardalos who stars as John Corbett’s love
interest Toula. Corbett was familiar
from Northern Exposure and he plays the same character from northern exposure,
as he does in every movie he’s in. He can’t change his personality to fit a
role, they have to write a John Corbett role or there’s, well, I guess there’s
just John Corbett. This is actually the American school of acting as opposed to
the British school of acting. American actors like John Wayne (please bow),
Jimmy Stewart, Gary Cooper Clark Gable and William Powell always just played
themselves and everybody loves them. The British, like Alec Guinness or Peter
Sellers liked to play different people in various roles. Anyway, Nia got her
part because she wrote the whole damn movie. She’s new to acting and overdid
her mugging and double takes; it was just shrug, eye role, after shrug, eye
role, after shrug and eye role. Her father, Michael Constantine you’ve seen in
a thousand movies and play Toula’s father Gus Portokalos, and it was hard to
recognize Lainie Kazan as Nia’s mother, or actually Toula’s mother or
somebody’s mother. Laine’s best line for me was, "The father is the head
of the family. The mother is the neck of the family. The neck can turn the head
whichever direction it needs to." While I think it could have been done a
lot better with a director WHO KNOWS COMEDY! FOR GHAAD SAKES, it was still pleasant
enough to satisfy most of those who actually intentionally go to this movie (as
opposed to people like me who accidentally go to this movie). ***Uzos if you like chick flicks. (No Uzi’s);
But, *1 ½ Uzo’s if you never go to see chick flicks and prefer to stay home and
guzzle Uzo. This movie was an honest effort to make a good movie without
concern for just making dough and it had a full house, audience wise.
Not a good kid dump. Jack.
STAR WARS ATTACK CLONE HEADS …***Amidalas
There I was with 200 drooling future Darth Vader Jedi’s oozing with ADD.
Popcorn lined the aisles, and flying waves of spit wads alternated with
squadrons of M&M’s. After I got the remains of several lemon Gummy Bears
off my butt I discovered a Hershey bar wrapper under my leg creamy side up.
These future Jedi were all out of control of course, and no Obi Wan Kenobi to
curb them. I was thinking to myself, "Some day these will be the people
running Enron." I started throwing handfuls of Ritalin (don’t ask) at them
to calm them down. Later I foolishly realized this was the same thing happening
to Anakin-he was out of control (as was the audience) and just not going to
listen to old Obi Wan The Wiser. Just when I was trying to calculate how much
money George Lucas was going to pocket by having no known stars in this movie,
up popped Christopher Lee. He probably doesn’t go for Tom Cruise wages though.
Ok, Ok, Eeeuwannn McGrrregorrr and Hayden Christensen have their own pitiful
following but be that as it am, Star Wars is an American institution and it
really doesn’t matter how good the plot is or what people like me think-it’s
going to make a lot of money. The kiddy factor is unbelievably strong as
parents, desperate for places to dump the kids,(OOOKKKK- Kid Dumps) snap these
kinds of movies up in a heartbeat. No sex, although he managed to sort of work
in a set of buns in the required Star Wars bar scene but heaven knows what sort
of creature they were attached to, and, hey hey, hey, a love story ending in
marriage-I think. God knows we wouldn’t want Luke to be a bastard. The acting was unusually weak in my humble
opinion, and it will be interesting to see if Queen Amidala, or Senator
Portman, has a career after this. She has a touch of that indefinable charisma
thing, but Anakin was hopelessly charm less. Most of us were overcome with
charisma watching Princess Leia chained to Jaba the Kennedy. At least Obi Wan
The Younger had a British accent-giving new meaning to the adage, "I
suppose there will always be an England."
Recall Luke Skywalker’s post Star Wars career didn’t seem to go too far. I
suppose one pleasant aspect is Jedi’s lopping off the heads of scads of clones
and storm troopers, and there isn’t any blood. Just nuts, bolts and a few
sparks. (Kind of like the last time I took a car in for a little work) Somehow
this is acceptable violence- but don’t try to make sense of it all, it’ll make
your head hurt. C3PO and R2D2 returned thank heavens and I wish they had larger
roles. For some reason they felt compelled to return Ol’ Jar Binks, and I wish
Samuel L Windu had more of a part to work with. Also, here’s a big issue: how do some of the robots or clones get out
of step when marching in phalanxes of troops? Bad chip? And why does Yoda, the supreme
Jedi, walk with a cane? Seems like he could of learned how to channel a few hip
or knee forces by now. (I’m sorry; it’s kept me up for three nights) There were
of course spectacular special effects, but I guess I’m becoming jaded. An eight
year old in the audience seeing this Star Wars episode would probably be
greatly impressed and remember it the rest of his life as a truly great movie.
I shouldn’t limit that to eight-year olds-an adult, from China, say, or
a Floridian, never having seen any of these movies might feel the same, and
rightly so. However, I don’t think this movie has the spark or energy of the
earlier ones, and Lucas should of just given an outline to Ridley Scott and
said get one of your screenwriters to give me some dialogue. Regardless of what
you’ve read above, I have no quarrel with the plot. *** Three Amidalas.
Excellent kiddy dumper. Jack.
JASON X (stars, are you kidding?)
…0 sliding Cyborg nipples, unlessssss…..You’re…
There I was in the revitalized Ridgmar Theater with six other psychopaths.
They had tattoos, chains, swing blades, and babes, and we, were hunched over
our respective buckets of corn, no butter, thank you, and two hour chewed
Wrigley’s. All right, you’re wondering
why anyone outside Huntsville
(state prison) is interested in seeing one of these Jason movies? Well, the
answer quite simply is beer - $5 a pitcher. It’s hard to get beer in (or into)
movie theatres—God knows I’ve tried. I attempted to study the other movie
patrons in the dark and they were all intent and deadly serious. (They thought
I was the pervert, of course, peering at them in the dark). I was worried-they on the other hand,
were grinding their communal teeth in anticipation. Then I started thinking,
"How could we put police ankle beepers on these guys to keep up with
them?" Being essentially clueless
in the psychology department, it seemed to me it could be either a good thing
or a bad thing: On the one hand,
these psychopaths lived out their inner desires escaping into movie violence,
never having to impose their needs on others; or they were enjoying the
sensation of experiencing the joy of sexual dominance, pain and power only to
eventually take it out on someone happening along in the real world. Oooh, it makes my head hurt. As the movie occurs
in the 2010 to 2455 era on a space ship it had some sci-fi angles I enjoy but
that’s a weak rationalization. There were the usual mistakes and suspension of
anything approaching realty or rational thought, but can you really criticize a
movie like this for that? Its audience is the maladjusted young male (mym)
seeking revenge, power, sex and dominance. Essentially Jason is a killing
machine who tromps through the movie killing one actor after another until they
run out of enough money to hire another actor to come in and have his/her body parts
removed, gouged, slashed or cut off. Gallons of movie blood were expended.
There is the usual bevy of attractive young women (ayw)-Katherine Hepburn need
not apply, wearing something appropriate for a beach in Rio
on a spaceship in 2445. Hey, not that I complain about that, but you know, if
you’re interested in seeing naked women / men there are plenty of other sources
for that without wasting an hour and a half of your life. There were no known
actors in the movie not even a Gene Hackman, a Wilson boy, Angela Landsbury, or Michael
Caine. I really would have enjoyed reading a Joe Bob Briggs review of this
movie, as it is definitely a drive-in special movie candidate. You know:
body parts missing, seventy- three; 30 heads chopped off; 46
assorted legs, arms and miscellaneous body parts and pieces removed, 8 breasts,
no Fu, 20,263,900 30 cal. Bullets expended, thirty-nine 2455 century guns using
standard .223 cal. AR-15 ordinance, seven 24th century spaceships
being run on Commodore 64’s, 12,699,543 flashing lights, two cyborgs blown to
hell, 63 unknown actors, and just one screenwriter. I can’t believe he allowed
them to put his name on the credits. Rated at 0 sliding cyborg nipples, unless
you are a psychopath, then 5 sliding cyborg nipples. * 0 ’s or maybe 5***** sliding
cyborg nipples. (If you’re certifiable or already institutionalized) jack
SHOWTIME
…** ½ Handcuffs
I really hoped this would be a follow-up success on the Beverly Hills Cop movies
Eddie Murphy did awhile back because I really thought they were pretty funny
and interesting. Plus I really love the comedy action thrillers America is
famous for. However, in spite of the heavy advertising you will probably see,
it’s no Beverly Hills Cop. With the obvious talent of DeNiro, Murphy and Renee
Russo I thought it couldn’t miss, or at least it would come damn close. But,
the director and writers on Showtime just don’t know comedy. I’m really kind of
pissed they blew such a great opportunity to make a fun action film with such
good actors. Murphy must have added a few lines to his part-the funny ones.
Russo looked really tired and there were no sparks. While DeNiro is a great
guy, I just wasn’t seeing him as a comedic actor in this movie. The Hollywood gang had a scene at a gun show which was
supposed to make fun of those hippy dippy dolts who own guns, but missed the
irony they were trying to make big bucks off their movie through exploiting gun
violence and inventing a super gun that stars in the movie. The bad guy is once
again a peroxide blonde, albeit a Hispanic this time. Hollywood has decreed that all new wave bad
guys must be blond, natural or otherwise. I guess it’s that
Nordic-Germanic-Aryan thing. At least we have no Wilson boys.
Maybe we could of used a Hackman though. Maybe I was in a bad mood or
something. I really wanted to like it. Honest. It’s hard to try to be objective
when I’m pissed, but I’ll have to give this one ** ½ handcuffs. Jack
ICE AGE …** sloth poops
For some inexplicable reason I thought it would be fun to go sit in a movie
theatre with 600 screaming 3 year olds, (or was it 300 screaming 6 year olds?)
half of whom had whooping cough and the remainder with chicken pox. Thank you,
parents. I think the Today Show had Ray Romano as a guest bragging on this
movie and suckered me in. The film is animated of course and I was hoping it
would have some Shrek style adult humor tossed in so both adults and children
could have a go at it. But once again, Enron investors, I was wrong. I
think it is a delightful story for the younger youngsters and there is no
animated blood or flying body parts and no full frontal violence: it’s all
nicely disguised so as not to scare the little buggers. Typically, it has the
mandatory Hollywood poop jokes, however. The
three main characters are a sloth, Sheb Wooly Mammoth, and a saber tooth tiger,
Diego. Sid, the sloth came across as a distant ancestor of Jar Jar Binks, if
that rotates your nozzle, so consider yourself duly warned. What was strange
was while the prehistoric animals could talk up a storm in 20th
century vernacular, the humans were incapable of uttering a single word.
Manfred, the Mammoth, taught the humans that violence is a bad thing, and
killing wooly mammoths is not a good thing so that from that point forward, man
stopped killing and eating mammoths. (I guess) That’s why you can’t get any at
Central Market to this day! (Although I think some still may be available on
the North Side) I would say this is a very good movie strictly for kids, but I
did hear several adults who laughed through every frame. (I have no idea how
long they had been out of the institute) Very fun for 5-10 year olds or Aggie
graduates. Two sloth poops. ** Jack
Blackhawk
Down **** Irene’s
If you enjoy military action movies that are a cut above the Swarzennegar,
(How do you spell that damn name?) Stalone, etc, bunch this is good if not the
best I’ve seen in a while. If you care about the accuracy of the events portrayed
you should check that out elsewhere. Take it for Hollywood
does Mogadishu.
This action did result in a couple of Medal of Honor winners, and that’s
nothing to take lightly. Having said that, I did feel during the movie I was
reliving my last trip (accidentally) through south L.A. Although this is probably not what
Tinsel Townies vote for the little gold guy thing, it’s top-notch adventure
with a slice of reality. Assuming you want reality. (It’s a bit too bloody for
youngsters please) Rated 4 (****) Irene’s.
Jack
Gosford Park
**1/2 Silver carving knives "Quickly Cedric-fetch me a
whiskey." We were disappointed with this one. Gosford
Park has been getting consistently
good reviews but I think it must be a Hollywood
thing. The Hollywood folk, "Tinsel Townies," aspire to be like
the people portrayed in Gosford
Park, and since it was
educational for them to see how maids, butlers and valets are supposed to work
they were impressed. The movie pace was slow and long and Altman surprisingly
just doesn’t have any of the Hitchcock sense of what it takes to make a
mystery. I saw a bit on TV on how great Altman was in his directorial expertise
in making this movie; but it must be of been some studio horn blowing.
Occurring in England in the early
1930’s, it gave that Agatha Christie-ish feel, but lacked Agatha’s moving plot
twists and cleverness. The only standout was Maggie Smith and I was
disappointed in not seeing more from Alan Bates, an old favorite. He was
evidently supposed to be one of the suspects but Altman dropped the ball and no
one suspected him. Not even me. The movie is like an old ‘drawing room murder’
style play, kind of like the old game ‘Clue.’ (I know, they made a movie) As a
matter of fact, I think they could of broke the boredom by having someone jump
up and shout, "Col. Mustard did it! With the Candlestick, in the
Conservatory!" This movie has a cast of thousands it seemed and half of
them were servants. Between the poor sound in some scenes, British accents, and
herds of characters going and coming you needed a program to keep up with who’s
who; so to speak as there is a who’s who of a cast. I think the sound was
partly bad because Altman thought it would be smart to just record assorted
small talk from a distance and then sort it out later. Well, we both had
trouble hearing it all. I’d say see it again if you really care, you can have
my ticket. There was utterly no suspense and by the time the murder was solved
everyone in the audience was punching each other to wake up, with "Hang the
bastard, I don’t give a damn!" If
you’re in the Rolls Royce motor club though, they had a couple of beautiful
Phantoms carting the fools around. Overrated. Two and a half silver carving
knives. **1/2. Jack
Royal
Tenenbaums… ***1/2 Hackmans
That darn Gene Hackman again as Royal Tenenbaum. Those darn Wilson boys again. (Although my favorite Wilson boy was in
Castaway) This film is Gene Hackman. I’d vote him a little gold guy
statue for his efforts here. I think this dysfunctional family thing is the ‘Next
big thing.’ Gene is a natural as an indifferent father whose love is tentative.
One wonders why they even bothered to adopt Margot (Gwenyth Paltrow). His love
is tentative because his priorities rest with himself, and love for his
children seems to appear only as an afterthought. By accident and ineptitude
and then by devious device Royal is reunited with his family. As a lawyer, the
con game comes easy. At first his professions of love are suspect, but
eventually he accidentally comes to the realization he does in fact love his
children. The children are over- achievers, (or were) finding early success,
but one wonders how that would happen with indifferent parents. Usually, driven
parents, trying to fulfill their own childhood dreams push their children
beyond their natural limits. Here, Royal could care less, and we don’t see
enough of mother (Angelica Houston) to know. The kids question and doubt their
parent’s love and this seems to settle like a dark cloud over their lives
following their early successes. The essential parental responsibility is to
lay the foundation of unconditional love for their children. But one has the
feeling this is a story written by every child, suspecting, looking,
questioning whether in fact their father or mother really, truly loves them.
The movie’s wry humor is paced a little too slow for my taste and they could
have added a few more upbeat moments or obvious gags. Somewhat offbeat. ***3 ½ Hackmans.
Jack
Lord of the Rings - ****1/2 Frodos
No Gene Hackmans or Wilson boys, so we’re off to a different start; as a
matter of fact, I’m glad to see Christopher Lee is still alive, as Saruman the
White. Like most of us I read the Hobbit and most of the first Rings book
before losing it back in the dark ages, so it did all seem familiar, and it was
enjoyable to just sit back, with a tub-o-corn and reminisce with these
characters wh0 all seemed like old friends. I confess I’m not an Elijah Wood
fan, but he was ok for this role. I kind of liked Gimli, an elf, probably
because I thought they were saying Gimlet throughout the movie. This film
reminded me we must be in the golden age of special effects. Remember the
hoopla from the movie 2001 when it came out as the latest thing in special
effects in 1968? All the critics were blathering along comparing its details
with the earlier stuff like the Seventh Voyage of Sinbad and the stop-frame
photography of the little clay creatures by Ray Harryhausen, who had been
lauded for being about a block and a half ahead of the Japanese Godzilla’s
being chased by Raymond Burr? Then we
leap ahead again with the light years of technical improvements in ’77 with
Star Wars? Well, I don’t need to tell anyone special effects geometrically
progressed since then, and it is quite evident in this film, which couldn’t be
better suited for it. Lots of bad guys; you can tell them from the good guys
because they all drool and won’t be on the cover of G.Q. magazine. (What’s with
the drooling, oozing business, anyway? Must be part of the job description:
"Must be good drooler. Prefer someone who’s off-shade of green) Even if
you don’t like this kind of stuff, the movie does a good job of telling and
explaining the story so you don’t feel lost in all the Tolkien lingo, although
all the names are strange. ****Four and
½ Frodo’s but Five***** Frodo’s if
you’re a zonked Tolkien mole.
Jack
BEHIND ENEMA LINES- ENEMY LINES **1/2 Scuds,
3 amraams
One of those darn Wilson boys again. One of those darn Gene
Hackman’s again. This has some pretty good flight action for you Navy pilots
out there featuring the new, sort of, F/A-18 E/F Super Hornet. You only thought
we didn’t lose any men in Bosnia/Serbia. At least that’s what Capt. Scott
O’Grady says. I think we should replace that F-16 don’t you? I’ll take that
order now, please. I saw this film fairly early in the day and as I did have
coffee but had inadvertently overlooked my bloodymary I went through a little
more than 2 hours of fairly tense dodging around with Owen Wilson in Bosnia. My
palms were sweating and my GI tract rumbling. Talk about a chase scene: We were
running for days it seemed. Gene Hackman does his usual creditable job as an
Admiral who’s Captain of the USS Carl Vinson, handcuffed by those darn NATO
rules of engagement. He puts his job on the line to "NEVER LEAVE A MAN
BEHIND!" Unfortunately, the latest rage in camera work puts Jittery/fast
cut/fast zoom/slow mo/ "mount the camera on the back of a jackass then
swat it," on film, so you might get dizzy or worse-nauseous. But when
you’re flying an F-18 and dodging bullets, missiles and those crazy
Croats/Serbs a touch of a little vertigo might actually help. This is not a
heavy hitter of a film, but if you’re looking for just a little escapist
excitement that won’t get you arrested-go for it. 2 ½ SCUD’S. (3 AMRAAM’S)
Jack
A Beautiful Mind-A Beautiful Fiction *****
gray cells or **** shitheads
This movie title was selected diplomatically. They were
attempting to tell the story of Noble Prize winner, Jon Nash, who was a
beautiful jerk-a downright ass as we say on LarkinRidge (or possibly
worse-"Quick Martha, cover the children’s eyes!). But they couldn’t make a
movie called, "A Beautiful Ass." (unless it was for Marty and his
friend Pamela Handerson) It would be misleading or false advertising, and
possibly too titillating. They could have named it, "The Jerk Who Brought
the Dough Home." But that would be confused with a Jerry Lewis flick. Or
maybe, "The Ass With The Big Kahuna." You get the idea. What does
one say about someone who has absolutely no redeeming values except he’s
brilliant? You know it’s kind of like the bad date description thing—she/he has
a good personality. But that can’t be said in his case. We all should be so
disgusting (We all have friends who sort of fall into this category: the
difference being they are the only one who thinks they are
brilliant-does that count?)
But, leaving John and his Kahuna aside, the mind’s capacity to work pure
reason and logic is beautiful. We can all appreciate and possibly envy
brilliance. And this leads us to Ron Howard’s masterful selection of story line
and plot development. To be able to mold an Academy Award winner out of a bio
of this shithead (larkinridge speak- or short for the word
"Shithead." {Larkspeak) was a combination of Ron’s own brilliance and
the usual Hollywood
given that, "There is no true story worth telling-truthfully." But
hey, they don’t call this tinsel town for nothing! He managed to create out of
thin film a sympathetic character.
Russell Crowe is excellent demonstrating along the way both the
schizophrenia and a glimpse of the brainy obnoxiousness of Nash rambler. But
the challenge for Crowe was in creating a fictional character with a
non-fictional identity. This film seems to touch that little bit of schizo in
all of us- and that’s a frightening thought. I have enough trouble with reality
as it is.
My critics (Louspeak) tell me I’m too rough on our crazy friends. Mental
illness is a terrible thing and they can’t help themselves: I should cut them
some slack and hand them all a freshly oiled gun. Well as far as I'm concerned
the playing field is level. We’re all crazy it’s just a matter of degree. 5
gray cells, don’t miss.
Jack 01/05/02
SPY
GAME…***grenades
Redford and Pitt were cute together; in
fact there was more chemistry between them than the Pitt and the girl,
Catherine McCormack. This was supposed to be a psychological spy thriller, but
because they didn't give us any clues we couldn't work on the puzzle; which
left us with watching many people being shot and blown up-not that there's
anything wrong with that. It's always entertaining to watch people being shot
and blown up (so to speak) in the sense its hard not to watch a train wreck,
but it missed on a lot of other levels. This movie's release was delayed
because of 9-11 as the terrorist thing is big in the plot. Also THIS IS A
MESSAGE MOVIE, and if that turns you off skip it; however, you've heard th