LarkinRidge WorldNews
Where News Breaks Like The
Wind
PINEROLO, Italy (Reuters) - Olympic curling favorites
Canada, led by Brad Gushue, lost 8-7 to contenders United
States represented by LarkinRidge CurlingTeam on Tuesday in a match that could be a preview
of next week's men's final.
Gushue's side took three points at the ninth end to lead briefly
but hiccupped in an extra end, blaming it on debris on the ice.
"It's like the dust at home on the kitchen table, who
knows, it comes from somewhere,"
LarkinRidge CurlingRTAAAAAAAa lead Peter Namp said the battle
of brilliant shots and dreadful misses could be a taste of things to come.
"It was a great match between two big teams, maybe a
preview of the final," he said.
More drama came from the unranked Italian men, who claimed
their first Olympic curling victory beating
The defeat leaves
In women's play, defending champion
LarkinRidge Offers Free DisasterRecovery
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Fort Worth – The response to LarkinRidge’
free disaster recovery service is overwhelming with nusic
CDs,
Drawing
from the military’s technique of breaking down the trainee, then building them
back up, LarkinRidge orientation is better described as a boot camp. These three trainees will first be stripped
of their clothes and will remain completely nude during the entire course. For teambuilding they will bathe together,
sleep together and eat together. There
are daily exercises and classroom work.
Larkin feels so strongly that the training must be dome
right, that he will instruct these girls himself.
“I’ve
noticed that you hardly ever see a fat stripper and I think that’s due to all
the dancing they do while they work. So
my exercise program has the girls dancing on a stage with a pole, light show,
smoke effects, the works. While not on stage, the girls continue
aerobic conditioning by running back and forth between my observation table and
the kitchen, bringing me beer and food.”
The exercise classes are grueling and sometimes last late into the
evening.
To take advantage of
LarkinRidge CountryClub’s Free DisasterRecovery
Storage,
send
backup copies of all your DVDs and CDs to:
Marty Larkin
LarkinRidge DisasterRecovery
7924 Coneflower Rd
Fort Worth, TX 76123
LarkinRidge Offers Free DisasterRecovery
Storage for CDs and DVDs
“Now
I’d like to tell you about a free service I’m offering beginning today,
Disaster Recovery Storage for your personal CD’s and
“It’s
completely legal, risk free and it works like this: Individuals may legally make backup copies of
their DVDs and CDs. And, as far as I know, there are no restrictions on where
individuals are allowed to store their backup copy, so legally you can send
them to me for storage. I’ll store your
Disaster Recovery copy here at LarkinRidge CountryClub ABSOLUTELY
“If
at any time you lose a CD or
“As
an added protection, to prevent losing these backups do to some disaster at LarkinRidge
CountryClub, I’ll be employing the services of fellow LarkinRidge members who
will serve as disaster recovery sites for myself. You’ll never lose a
“So
get those DVDs and CDs in the mail today.
Who knows when a disaster may strike!
And stay on the lookout for Disaster Recover Storage for your PC
software coming soon!”
Send
DVDs and CDs to:
Marty Larkin
7924 Coneflower Rd.
Fort Worth, TX 76123
Wendy’s Introduces New Finger Food Menu
This Human Finger is on Wendy’s New Finger Food Menu
By Marty Larkin
Fort Worth, Texas – In an apparent effort to head off any legal action
filed on behalf of a California woman who claims she found part of a finger in
her bowl of chili, Wendy’s announced their new Finger Food Menu featuring human
fingers cut to bite size morsels and smothered in Wendy’s famous ‘Quick Trot’
chili. A Wendy’s spokesman said, “That’s
not just any human finger, it’s graded USDA Prime and proudly part of our new
Finger Food Menu.” The spokesman handed
out a Wendy’s Nutritional Information pamphlet showing the nutritional value of
Wendy’s menu items, including the finger. “Had she bothered to read the
nutritional pamphlet, available at all locations, the woman would have known
there would be a finger in the chili. After all, Wendy’s guarantees each bowl
will contain an average of 2 fingers per serving.” He said, “For the health
conscience consumer, the fingers are low in fat, high in protein and possibly
high in calcium, depending on how much bone you get.” Wendy’s is said to be within days of
announcing their diamond ring giveaway where one lucky customer will find a diamond
ring on one of the fingers.
Iraq’s
WMDs Found
By Marty Larkin
New York – During today’s special session of the U.N. Security Council,
North Korea called for a resolution condemning the United States, claiming the
U.S. had intentionally delayed the shipment of one of three nuclear weapons
legally purchased from Iraq shortly before the U.S. invasion.
Iraq originally obtained the Dinning Room Cruise Missiles during the
Reagan administration, as the U.S. made room for the deployment of more advanced
Head of Table Cruise Missiles. The
nuclear warhead tipped Dining Room Cruise Missiles were
included in a deal to provide
The Dining Room Cruise Missile with a range of 500 nautical miles, is reportedly accurate enough to hit the dining room
of the Kremlin, while the more advanced Head of Table Cruise Missile boasts a
range of 500 nautical miles, 50ft., and is accurate enough to hit whoever is
sitting at the head of the dining room table.
In Operation Mirage a Twa (Mirage of Three),
Saddam Hussein fooled the Bush administration into believing the three nuclear
weapons were still in Iraq, even after they had been secretly sent to North
Korea. To maximize the chance of successfully delivering at least one of the
weapons, each one had been shipped utilizing a separate method; one of which
was U.S. Postal Service Express Overnight Delivery.
North Korea blamed the Bush administration for the two-year delay,
citing Bush’s reclassification of the missiles as “nucular”,
causing confusion at the Post Office and forcing North Korea to wait for
delivery until Merriam Webster added the word “nucular”
to their Collegiate Dictionary.
Using
its UN Security Council permanent member status, the U.S. vetoed the resolution
explaining that the U.S. Postal Service Express Overnight Delivery guarantees
packages will be delivered overnight, meaning delivery is guaranteed to occur
sometime during the night, and in no way is meant to be interpreted as any particular
night, especially tomorrow.
LarkinRidge West Announces Outreach Program
KBS - Palmdale
-With adult film production in the San Fernando Valley temporarily shutdown due
to a Hepatitis outbreak, LarkinRidge West Golf Pro
PR NEWs Wire, Showtime News, News News Plus News , BenLO News corp, The Three Legged Wanderer, Extra
Hollywood - Reports out of Hollywoody indicate Fox Entertainment executives, thinking
they were getting creamed in the ratings as a result of the success of BRAVO’s run away hit, "Queer eye for the straight
guy," have announced their new series for TV, "Queer eye for the Bush
Guy." Fox searched high or while high and low in Hollywood trying to find
a jolly set of queer guys who could handle the pressure of putting a pair of
red, white and blue satin pants on the Bush Guy. One of the new shows hosts,
Tweedy, was quoted as saying, "Just look how drab the Oval office is, just
whites and grays and browns and blues, and just like buttons and phones
everywhere. How drab. It just screams out for some color - like maybe
chartreuse with a touch of lavender." Maurice chirped up with the comment,
"All you ever see him wear are dark grays and blacks-what kind of color
scheme is that?" I mean Laura is just no help at all, what does she do,
resort library books all day?" Philbert, another
one of the boys, suggested the President needed to add a constant 3 day growth
of beard and let his hair grow out a little and do tight little kinky
curls." Kind of a meshing of say, Shirley Temple and
Richard Nixon." Tweedy joked, "Oh you’re always meshing around
Philbert." Hum, very funny." Yes, Richard
Nixon may have started the continuous 3-day beard growth look: a man ahead of
his times. If only burglary were legal! " And
these secret service guys, sexy but dull, dull, dull. Always pointing things at
me; whoa! Just glad to see me me!! Whoa, stop it I’m
getting wet and loosing the crease in my pants." Philbert
spoke up, "I wonder if there’s ever been a transsexual Secret Service (SS)
guy or, uh gal?" Tweedy popped up with "And he wears boots all the
time; hey, that is sooo 60’s, Hello!! Midnight
Cowboy!! "Dustin, tell Ratzo to get me a Krispy Kreme!! He needs six pair
of Mephisto’s you know to pad around the White House
in and look cool. What are you gonna do with a guy like that?" I think he
should go for a short pony tail," Maurice offered. "You’ve got to be
kidding- that is sooo out—shave my head and call me
Danny Devito," croaked Philbert.
You know what he really needs, being like "The Chosen One! Is one of those
long floor length coats like Keanu Reeves wears in the Matrix, you know, he is
NEO!!" Yea but it’s black!!! Ahhh, they all
agreed, and jumped together in one bunch with belly bumps. The Neo look is the
Bush guy: another successful show. Fox later announced that if this show didn’t
work they had a back up plan; Queer Eye for the
Ryder Plans to
Capture Car Bombing Market
Photo by the Daily
Oklahoman/
APB - Ryder announced plans today for a major expansion in worldwide operations. By 2005, Ryder plans to open 800 truck rental agencies throughout the Middle East and Europe in a bid to capture market share in the rapidly expanding car bomb business.
Having dominated the US truck bomb market for years, Ryder hopes to become the worldwide "Vehicle Bomb of Choice" by offering attractive one way rental rates and higher capacity vehicles than those available to the average terrorist today.
"This is an untapped market", says
a company spokesman. "Terrorists today are forced to use old dilapidated
cars that are prone to breaking down and failing to deliver the payload to
target. They also have too low a capacity to make a real statement." The
spokesman went on to point out that the kills per vehicle
blast ratio is around 10 times higher with a Ryder truck than
"grandma’s old
Upon the announcement today, Ryder shares exploded.
Ashcroft
Invents World Wide
KBS, Lake Los Angeles
Washington - US Attorney General John Ashcroft today announced the government's
enhancing of the war on terrorism to include normal crime-fighting activities.
"You know bad people are just bad,
whether they are planning terrorist attacks, or dealing drugs or laundering
drug money, or running prostitution rings, or other evil deeds. And the
Internet is growing in such uses every single day. That's why Justice and
"With technology the way it is today, we have a marvelous opportunity to
make some serious inroads into the nationwide and indeed global fight on crime.
So what if a few innocent US citizens have any or all of their rights trampled.
We feel that if it takes 10 innocent Americans to give up any freedom they once
enjoyed, to catch even just one bad guy, well by goodness we're doing a good
job and I'll sleep soundly tonight."
When asked if the new
By Jack Cole
Fort Worth - World News reports Joe Millionaire didn’t pick Sarah or Zora, he has picked…Michael Jackson. In a strange twist even by Fox Entertainment standards, Joe Millionaire, otherwise known as Evan Marriott, announced he was coming out of the closet and had accepted an engagement ring from Jacko. Jacko’s ex-wife denied the rumors and reaffirmed that Michael is still very much in his closet in his room with Bubbles. Joe said he has always had a crush on LaToyota Jackson, so when Michael showed up with a $44 million engagement ring he said, "Yes, I’ll take it." Asked by the press as to whether he regrets losing the $1 million Fox planned to give he and his prospective fiancé he replied, "You’ve got to be kidding. Look at those rocks!! Joe says he knows all the steps to "Beat It" and can’t wait to try them out on Michael. No wedding date has been announced but the happy couple is thinking they could juggle babies in Germany.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
By Jack Cole
Kabul - News reports are trickling in that Osama Bin Laden has had a sex change operation and has recovered from surgery to the extent he can continue his new career as a cabaret singer in the Seychelles islands. Sources had wondered for some time why we have only heard Osama’s voice on recent tapes and not seen his image. Word had been circulating locally that a tall Arab woman had been taking tap dance lessons and bore a striking resemblance to a very tall Diana Ross. His close friend, Mohammad says he just sits around his room watching TV, especially I Love Lucy and old Fred Astair movies. He said his favorite TV show is I Love Lucy and briefly played with the idea of trying to look like Ethyl Mertz.
WHAT TO DO AFTER TERRORIST CHEMICAL ATTACK
By Jack Cole
Fort Worth - Immediate symptoms of chemical exposure include blurred vision, eye irritation, difficulty breathing and nausea. (The same result was achieved authorities report from watching two back-to-back episodes of Joe Millionaire.) Victims will require immediate medical attention: if none is available, decontaminate yourself and help decontaminate others. Decontamination is needed within minutes of exposure to minimize health consequences. Do not go outside but remain in your closet. Send Bubbles out to test the air. Do not breathe. Deal with contaminated clothing by immediately removing all your clothing and then remove all the clothing of those around you as well as anything in contact with the skin such as a hat or shoes. Rinse hands using soap and water. Remove eyeglasses or contact lenses and place in a pan of household bleach to decontaminate. Place eyeglasses back on face and then soap down the body of the person next to you, being sure to cleanse all crevasses, cracks and out of the way spots. After thoroughly rubbing down and massaging the body next to you, blot with a towel after rinsing with clean water. Change into uncontaminated clothes, preferably some little ditty from Victoria’s Secret. Proceed to the nearest medical facility.
PIE FIGHT ERUPTS OVER TICKETING DISPUTE AT
SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
AP.,
By Jack Cole
Dallas - A ruckus is ballooning over Southwest
Airlines ticketing policy requiring large people to purchase two tickets if
they spread beyond the folding armrests of their airplane seats. Several
lobbying groups for large people, including People Organized Resolutely Keeping
Yogurt, or PORKY, Angry porkers opposed to narrow doorways, APOTND, Large Group
to outlaw Mini Coopers, LGTOMC, Hungry people addicted to beef sticks And Beer,
or HPABS and People Unafraid of Honey Buns, POOH
Authorities
Detain Passenger With Huge Shlong
And 6-Pound Balls
By Jack Cole
Boston - Airport authorities detained Kashid Rasmachrunchie, a
collector of historical artifacts after he was caught pushing a 600-pound naval
cannon off of flight 1812, from Amsterdam to Boston. The cannon was a classic Sherwood Long Fire dubbed the Shlong, designed to fire a 6-pound ball or bullet,
recoiling on carriage wheels. When queried as to how he was able to get the
weapon on the plane he said he bought a first class ticket and put a hat on it
and he boarded it with no trouble. They even served drinks to the cannon, which
Kashid was able to dispose of admirably. He had
nothing but compliments for the steward staff, and said, "If it wasn’t for
the helpful stewardesses I could have never gotten it into the overhead bin!
I’ll always fly American. Those little stewardesses on Japan Airways couldn’t
lift a musket, much less one of these babies." Mr. Rasmachrunchie
was detained while the
COURTROOM CAUGHT DOZING DURING ANDERSON
TRIAL
AP News, Razor, UPI, Select Comfort Network
By Jack Cole
It was reported today that the Jury, Judge, defense and prosecution attorneys as well as the bailiff and entire gallery dozed off during detailed questioning of accountants for Anderson over various Enron entities books including Raptors 1 through 26, and Jamaica Piggy Banks 2 –89. The dozing started to set in shortly after lunch following detailed accounting testimony and the manual addition of 136 successive columns of numbers by the witnesses including adding all the oughts, and carrying the ones. It was only when the judge, gasping for air during a snore blew the lower set of his dentures out into his ice bucket and onto the bench, that the courtroom was stirred to bleary eyed alertness. The judge, jolted to attention, instinctively began hammering the bench with his gavel, chipping a molar and two incisors and knocking the lower dentures across the court reporter’s desk. The bailiff, Sgt. Barney Rupal, also rubbing both eyes said of the Judge’s swift swing and excellent contact with the dentures, "You know, the Astros could use a batter like that."
Meanwhile, outside the courtroom columns of placard waiving accountants were demonstrating. Various accountant support groups and PACS were outraged and lodged several complaints. "An accountant just can’t get a fair trial in this town," cried a fuming Huey "Big E. Rubber Blubber" Block, spokesman for the "Big, Big, Really Big Five" accountant firms Political Action Committee. You know we used to be the "Big twelve, then the Big10 then the Big 8, and now look at us, we’re down to only Five. Our clients keep thinking they’re paying college sports teams," he said quizzically.
When asked whether the remaining mega firms will be styled, "The Big Four, or now the ‘Little Four,’" He could only reply, "Well, by my computer, five minus four is four and it should be just,’The Four.’" When asked what his middle initial "E" stood for, he quickly replied, "Eraser."
RICHARD REID,
By Jack Cole
Boston - Richard Reid, the reputed shoe bomber announced a deal with Nike shoes endorsing its new Terminator model. Reid says he prefers Nike for its comfortable fit and roomy interior. Reid comments sometimes explosives can make for uncomfortable shoes. He says he tried using New Balance with two sticks of dynamite in them but they kept rubbing his corns. With the Reeboks he said the fuse looked just like shoelaces and he kept trying to tie the fuses and light the laces. Reid says he has learned to make a shoe packed with explosives comfortable by inconspicuously walking backwards. He says, "You go to the bicycle shop and get one of those helmets that have the rear view mirror attachment and hey! No problemo!" Mr. Reid is presently awaiting trial.
THEMS STEMS
By Jack Cole - Roving Reporter
Collected from AP, NEWS Sources, Shamoo, Knight rider, Knit Ridder, Knut Rockne Service
Boston - University of Massachusetts researchers have coaxed adult bone marrow stem cells into voting for Al Gore. The vote was accomplished by substituting Florida voting machines for the Massachusetts variety, which contained only one button reading, "Kennedy." The work could demonstrate the cell's versatility and help determine whether they can discern Al from Tipper. The discovery could eventually lead to the production of reams of potential voters capable of making binary choices on the cell level. Next they were considering tests on mice, pigs, fundamental conservatives and liberals.
Dr. Billou Vin Bots, director of political research, crib sheets and clones, and author of the study published in the Journal of Clinical Stems and Other Assorted Goodies, said the research indicates adult bone marrow stem cells are versatile, agile and fully capable of competing in the winter Olympics figure skating competition. The French judges have already expressed an interest in judging same, and rumors are that offers are on the table. The most significant discovery was that the cells were capable of producing liver cells as well as the blood vessels feeding them. The potential is enormous in that the Kennedy clan uses an estimated 15,000 liver transplants per year. The hope is the breakthrough could lead to the development of cures for diseases such as Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and WAMFUK,(Where the Fuck Did I Leave my Keys) . The other little breakthrough is that stem cell research previously focused on embryonic stems rather than adult bone marrow stems, hence the inherent difficulty in voting choices, and the raison de etre for tests with Florida vs. Massachusetts voting machines. The embryonic vs. the adult, as it were, and their varying voting behaviors. The results were mixed, however, as voters in Florida and Massachusetts seemed incapable of getting beyond the one or two button tests.
Free Market
Conspiracy Exposed
By Randy Stastny - Roving Reporter
Washington - Federal prosecutors released documents today that clearly show that Joe Petroski of 130 Center St, Minneapolis intentionally painted his '97 Mustang in order to increase the price he would receive when selling it.
Ted Lefty, chief prosecutor in the department of Things That Just Don't Seem Fair (to us), said "We have indisputable evidence that Petroski intended to increase his profits, at the expense of the public, by purposefully having his car painted."
Lefty went on to say that more legal action is to follow as it has been determined that many individuals are involved in this conspiracy whereby individuals intentionally attempt to increase their personal wealth and general well-being, without consent of the Politburo.
The ongoing investigation has uncovered a particularly vial plot by certain individuals who have apparently banned together to form profit-motivated gangs called "corporations". These corporations are particularly difficult to prosecute because they seem to have considerable support from the public in general. In fact one source, who insists on remaining anonymous, claims that there appears to be more trust and support of these corporations than the government itself. "Most say they think their voluntarily contributed retirement funds at Enron are every bit as safe as those forcefully taken 'Social Security Contributions'." He went further to ask, "Have you ever heard of campaign finance corruption in the election of a Board of Directors?" (A "Board of Directors" is the gang leaders of these "corporations", some would say the most despicable of the profit seekers.)
Joe Lenin (D), Contributing columnist,
Copyright ©2003 Marty Larkin All
rights reserved.