You rip me open,

    and tie me shut,

I cannot help

    but try and get up

You push me down,

    you don't care

You bang my head,

   you pull my hair

I want to scream,

   I want to shout,

But you hold your hands

   over my mouth.

I remember that night

   like it was yesterday

it was fight or flight

   but I couldn't get away

The ground was wet

   because of the rain

I wish I could forget

   Now it drives me insane

You held up the knife

   Said it was time to die

I was scared for my life

   And I began to cry

A river of tears,

   you've been dying to see

when the pain comes

   pouring out of me.

You look into my eyes

   with no feeling or regret

And you tell me

   that it's not over yet

My body bare

   Exposed to the cold

I couldn't prepare

   You took hold

My legs spread wide

   You plunged in

You had your pride

   While mine ran thin

My earsplitting shrieks

   were not heard

I screamed for weeks

   but no one stirred

Engulfed in the muck

   Gasping for air

Just my luck

   You didn't care 

You smashed my head

   Everything went black

I wish I was dead

   and didn't remember the attack

I began to stir

   I looked around

Everything was a blur

   Until I looked down

Naked and alone

   Confused as hell

I was on my own

   And wasn't well

I felt disgusted, embarrassed,

   cold to the bone

I had been crushed and beaten

   torn and thrown

Looking up into the darkness

   wishing I was slain

You should have killed me

   but you left me in pain

I am a tormented, lonely

   pathetic lost soul

And you took away

   all my control

I can never again be innocent

   Never again pure

You have taken that away

   and made me a whore

Now I'll always be alone

   with everything to hide

I have nothing to give

   Nothing left inside

So I took all my feelings

   and put them away

Until the load was too heavy

   it was time to pay

I've been lonely

   through these years

Drowning, gasping

   in my own tears

So now speak up,

   say what I mean

But nobody listens

   I remain unseen

Can't see past the fake smile

   my big pearly whites

they're so in denial

   And reality bites

I know this exposure

   carries a hateful glare

One nobody can mend,

   for nobody cares

So I carry my bearings alone

   Well, drag them on the floor

My luggage is heavy

   And I don't want any more

It's too much to handle

   too much by myself

it's ruining my life

   it's ruining  my health

The chains are tight

   around my bloody wrist

I had a bad night

   Do you get the jist?

I had to cut

   I had to bleed

You think I'm a nut

   And I am indeed

I grasp hold of the razorblade

   I will not let it go

it's my only friend

   but my greatest foe

As feel the blade

   cut through my skin

I focus on the pain

   I focus on my win

The blood showers

   onto the bed

Once covered in flowers

   It is now stained red      

Red is a blemish

   no longer pure

All my decency has gone

   it has walked out the door

I continue to cry

   But my tears are red

In the blink of an eye

   I could be dead

But this is my soul

   going to let it spill

there is a hole

   which nothing can fill

It's not the same

   It's different than before

His voice is strong

   and I'm at war

Now I'm causing the pain

   I'm causing the gore

I'm in control

   He can't hurt me anymore

I say that with hope

   and look up at the sky

Please give me a rope

   I'm ready to die

I still can't let go

   holding onto the past

I'm at a low

   and it hit me fast

No one can comprehend

   everything I feel

I wish I could pretend

   it seams so surreal

It's hurting me more

   to stay alive

Life is a chore

   And I can't survive

Instead I'll slit my wrist

   watch my cares bleed away

I cannot resist

   I've gone too astray

I know you're irate

   I've put you through shit

But you can't relate

   I'm in the darkest pit

If I were you

   Had to put up with my shit

I'd hate me too

   Every single bit

I dug a ditch

Don’t want out

Hear me scream

Hear me shout

You can do nothing

Don’t you see?

Everything is up to me

I am sorry

If I let you down

I don’t know

How long I’ll be around

I have come down

To my last resort

And now my time

Is running short

I have to lose weight

I want it NOW

Get down to a number

And I know how

No food will enter me

And the numbers will drop

Now you see?

Everything will be just fine

Than success will be mine

The numbers drop

One by one

And will not stop

‘till I’m done

When that’ll be

I cannot say

You will see

On that day

I will tell you this

You may not want to know

I will not stop

Until all my bones show

I might die trying

It’s important to me

If you think I am lying

You will see

Why I love it

I do not know

I just don’t

Want to let it go

It makes me thin

It helps me cope

It is a sin

But it gives me hope

One day soon

You’ll be able to see

Every bone inside of me

As for now

I know you see

All the fat

Covering me

Everywhere

From left to right

Is a very ugly sight

You don’t have to lie

I already know

All I ask

Is for you to let go

I want NO body

No matter what

That is why

I like to cut

Keep myself going

Put myself down

I don’t like you knowing

‘cause you’ll stick around

I don’t want you

To get hurt

That’s what will; happen

If you stay alert

Just pretend

That you do not see

Everything that is happening to me

Eyes wide open

In the middle of the night

Because I won’t

Take a bite

I like to starve

Don’t have to deal

I like to carve

It makes me feel

No emotions

Just physical stuff

Good thing that

My body’s gotten tough

Otherwise,

I’d probably be dead

Or stuck somewhere

In a hospital bed

That’s not what I want,

Not at all

I just want to be thinner

Than a Barbie doll

There’s no way I’ll stop

At least not right now

Because I’m sick

Of being a fat cow

The excruciating pain

  wells up inside

Deep in my stomach

  my feelings collide

Nothing can satisfy

  the hole within

To look like I feel

  I must get thin

You grab hold so fast

  as you become my friend

you say you'll be with me

  until the bitter end

Now I can't tell the difference

    where you end and I begin

We are stuck together

   You're my Siamese twin

Twist me into knots

  you know I can't undo

Whisper sweet, fake promises

  till I fall in love with you

I bow in your presence

   face in the bowl

I purge up my pain

   as you suck out my soul

You sew up my lips

  you tie them up tight

Tell me not to eat

  not one single bite

I followed your order

  As you knew I would do

The say you're disorder

  And I know that it's true

So I tell you it's over

  I'm never coming back

You smile at me and say

  "Is that a fact?"

You walk out the door

  I begin to cry

"You are gone forever

  'cause you'll make me die"

She turns around

  And flashes a smile

"Is that all it is?

  Am I not worth your while?

You blame this on me

  Like it's all my mistake

Well you have it all wrong

  You're the one that is fake

You have nothing without me

  You'll be all alone

I am all that you have

  All you've ever known

I'll make you a deal

  We'll start it off slow

If you don't squeal

  No one will ever know

You will not die

  You will be in control

We'll work as a team

  To meet your goal

You will finally be content

   When we are through

Then I will leave

  Like I intended to do

See I want you to smile

  And know that it's real

That's all I ever wanted

  To help you heal"

I fell down to the ground

  Graveled at her feet

No time to horse around

  I still feel incomplete

I ran into ana's arms

  Hands tight around her waist

Told her I was sorry

  And that she couldn't be replaced

I stared at her stomach

  Every rib in sight

She is perfection

  Her skin pulled so tight

I listened closely to my punishment

  I was desperate to know

How she would make it perfect

  and help me grow

Night and day

  she consumed my mind

There's no way out

   I am STUCK with her                 without out a doubt

Scared as Hell

Sometimes I feel like this is never going to end.

No matter how much help.

Will I always feel this alone?

This excruciating pain?

This guilt?  This shame?

Most are unable to comprehend how I feel.

Some think I'm crazy.

Well, if they went through the same shit,

they'd be crazy too. 

Feeling so alone

so many people around me

Yet still by myself

A smile on my face

I can never let them know

The pain growing inside

The despair and humiliation

The desperation for someone to reach out

And know the anguish inside

Questioning the validity of my feelings

Wondering what they would say if they knew.

As I stand beside them

Hiding the fear, the guilt, the pain

Sentencing myself to a life alone