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By Dr. Rani Raote
Written November 1, 2002.
The writer, Dr. Rani Raote, is a Mumbai, India-based practising psychotherapist.
When travelling by plane we rarely pay careful attention to the stewardess' instructions on travel safety. However, her instruction on the use of oxygen masks, in the event of an emergency, contains much wisdom about dealing with similar difficult situations in our lives. She tells us that if we are travelling with infants or dependants to first put on the mask ourselves before turning to assist them. At first this sounds so selfish - how could we as loving parents think of ourselves first while the infant (or aged person) may be gasping for air? Is it not love to attend to others first and only afterwards think about ourselves? And yet, on further examination, this is the most sensible advice.
If we are to be of use to anyone we must be fit and capable enough of providing the help. If we are gasping for air then in the process of assisting a dependant we could pass out and expose the dependant to further harm. But, if we put on the mask first and then assist the child, we are in a stronger position to take care of the child and even deal with other problems that may come up because our bodies are functioning well.
The very same logic applies to assisting our family members during physical and psychological crises. Perhaps we are worried about our child's academic performance, or our spouse's drinking and smoking behaviour, or our aged parent's depression or our sibling's threats of suicide. We expend all our energy and effort on helping them, often neglecting ourselves completely in the process. We ignore our feelings, needs, hopes and desires, thinking they are not as important as the person who requires our help. Out of a deep concern we are busy putting on (often forcing) the "oxygen mask" on them first.
As a result, we begin to run out of precious "oxygen", and our own personal functioning is badly affected. We end up feeling anxious, stressed, depressed, irritable, exhausted, resentful, angry, helpless and worthless. Despite our best intentions of helping we feel internally depleted, empty and like we have nothing left to give anymore. Of course, this further complicates matters for us as we struggle with guilt and shame for feeling this way.
Unless we attend to our own emotional health we run out of energy to deal with the difficulties and problems of someone else. Our efficiency is affected when we deprive ourselves of the necessary self-care and feel emotionally drained. We don't think clearly, and become impatient, judgmental, critical, tired, and often end up nagging, blaming or fighting with the person we are trying to help.
If we replenish our internal resources by taking care of ourselves first we find that we are much more loving, understanding, and patient with the persons who need our help. We can actually start helping them without struggling with them. We don't pressurise them or emotionally blackmail them. We are able to accept their limitations without judgment, which can possibly encourage them to become responsible for their problems and take positive steps to solve them.
So, while it seems selfish to focus on self-care activities, they help us to give our best to our loved ones who are depending on our strength and nurturance.
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