Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from "Liberals*"
By the Mad Prophet
- It is permissible to perjure one's self if one is a defendant in a sexual harassment lawsuit (courtesy, William Jefferson Clinton).
- Employers shouldn't fire people for having sex in the workplace on company time (courtesy, William Jefferson Clinton, Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and others).
- Male managers are free to grope the women they supervise, provided that they stop after the woman disapproves (courtesy, Patricia Ireland, National Organization of Women).
- Oral sex isn't sex (courtesy, William Jefferson Clinton).
- All men cheat on their wives. However, the women who participate in adulterous affairs are innocent victims, provided that the affair doesn't get a Democratic politician in hot water. Then she is either a gold-digger, a liar, or angling for a book deal (courtesy, letter writer to Minneapolis Star-Tribune).
- The Marine and Naval aviators who participated in "Tail-hook" deserved to lose their jobs because their sexual misconduct created a work environment hostile to women. However, even though he is Commander-in-Chief, the President doesn't deserve to lose his job for creating a work environment hostile to women.
- Bill Clinton is the nation's first black President (courtesy, author Toni Morrision), because his background is common to that of many black men. However, black men should not be insulted that they are being stereotyped as liars and philanderers.
- All politicians lie, and it isn't a big deal. (courtesy, letter-to-the-editor writers of big-city newspapers)
- Law abiding people should not possess guns, but it is good for government agencies controlled by untruthful politicians to have them (courtesy, collectivist old lady who stopped by the Libertarian information booth at the Anoka County Fair, 1997, among others).
- Slavery (state sanctioned confiscation of the products of one's labor) is bad, but the income tax (state sanctioned confiscation of the products of one's labor) is good. So is mandatory participation in "volunteer" programs as a condition of graduation from government schools.
- It is good for employers to practice racial discrimination when hiring or laying off employees (courtesy, William Jefferson Clinton and other supporters of affirmative action), and minorities should be pleased with not being hired for their skills, but solely upon their skin color, sex, sexual orientation, previous military service, or disabilities.
- The automobile is the greatest threat to the environment (courtesy, Vice-President Al Gore), yet horse manure covered streets and sidewalks are somehow wholesome.
- Modern civilization is detrimental to the environment. However, those who leave the congested areas that burden the environment are contributing to urban sprawl (courtesy, Minnesota State Represenative Myron Orfield). Furthermore, those who live in the rural South or Southwest, or the Rocky Mountains (except for the Hollywood "liberals" who have Colorado ski chalets) are dangerous, separatist nuts.
- Violent rap lyrics, television, and cinema violence do not breed crime. However, talk radio and internet discussion groups foster a dangerous climate of hatred.
- Conservatives and libertarians are Nazis (courtesy, Rep. Sam Gibbons), despite the fact that Nazis were dyed-in-the-wool socialists who shared many of the same goals as the American Democratic party (i.e., racial preference programs, state control of the economy and businesses, government operated schools, and gun control).
* "Liberals" aren't liberal. Once the term "liberal" meant a proponent of limited government, instead of one who advocates some form of European socialism. Indeed, some dictionaries such as the American Heritage Dictionary, still carry the original definition:
Liberalism1. The state or quality of being liberal. 2a. A political theory founded on the natural goodness of humans and the autonomy of the individual and favoring civil and political liberties, government by law with the consent of the governed, and protection from arbitrary authority. b. often Liberalism The tenets or policies of a Liberal party. 3. An economic theory in favor of laissez-faire, the free market, and the gold standard.