If Gun Owners Were Treated Like Other Minorities
By Emily X - Posted: 05.29.00
Ron Miller's article "If Guns Were Treated Like Cars" inspired the following list.
IF GUN OWNERS WERE TREATED LIKE OTHER MINORITIES
- Gun owners would be able to freely express their ideas, and anyone who disagreed would be shunned as a pathetic unthinking hoplophobe.
- If a gun owner had to defend herself by displaying or using a handgun, bleeding-heart liberals would defend the right to do so because she's part of the 45% minority of people who own guns.
- A quarter of the tax burden of the federal government would be dedicated to subsidizing ownership and use. The federal government would implement special programs where less affluent gun owners could take "gun stamps" to sporting goods stores and redeem them for ammunition.
- A gun owner could carry any gun across state lines and not have any state's laws apply to you because federal anti-discrimination law trumps state laws. And of course, the federal government would not limit what kind of gun anyone could buy, because would be violate federal laws against discrimination based on religious belief.
- There would be "tolerance" commercials on television, pleading with non-owners "can't we all just get along?"
- Really poor gun owners could get additional gun stamps to pay for better weapons. Since nobody should have an inferior education, shooting classes would be available at no cost that would teach the historical and ethnic values of gun ownership.
- Housing anti-discrimination laws would be enforced against hoplophobic landlords.
- Stores which didn't allow gun owners to walk in with their sidearms would be sued for discrimination. Local newspapers and religious groups would call for boycotts. Anyone opposed to discrimination would engage in sit-down strikes against the offending establishment.
- The BATF would become the BAT, to avoid being dissolved altogether in light of their blatant persecution of minorities.
- Newspapers would report on gun shows in the same manner as they cover other ethnic festivals.
- If the price of ammunition rose 20%, Dianne Feinstein would threaten to investigate those who were "gouging" a protected and culturally valuable group.
- Gunsmithing would be part of ethnic heritage classes.
- Children of gun owners would be initiated at an early age into not only the safe use of guns, but would be instilled with a sense of pride stemming from their family's heritage.
- High schools would hold shooting classes and matches to encourage the gun owning students to express themselves and fulfill their potential.
- Young children of gun owners would go to "Head Start" classes, where they would be taught to shoot at an early age.
- "Special-education" teachers would be present in schools to help less adept gun owning children improve their shooting skills.
- Schools would then require non-owning classmates to attend shooting competitions so that they could learn to respect other students' "uniqueness" and "diversity."
- Large numbers of "Old Gun owner's Homes" would be set up. Wheelchair accessible shooting booths would be an integral part of the facilities.
- Congress would pass a resolution declaring July 4 "National Gun owner Appreciation Day."
- Non-gunowners would be encouraged to shoot and to teach their children to shoot so that they could fully appreciate the gun owner's experience.
- There'd be organizations like MASH: Mothers Against Stupid
Hoplophobes (instead of HCI). MASH would conduct a campaign of public education aimed at promoting gun ownership among non-gunowners, helping them overcome their fears about self-defense and personal sovereignty. Organizations like HCI would be mentioned in the same breath as the Klan.
- Television commercials for airlines would picture happy gun owners getting on board with their sidearms.
- TV stations would run commercials from the Amnesty International featuring prisoners in totalitarian countries who were thrown in prison for owning a gun. AI would encourage people to write en masse to officials in that country complaining about the grossly unfair treatment.
- Environmentalists wouldn't say anything about gun smoke, for fear of being labeled discriminatory, which of course would be terribly politically incorrect.
- The INS would have to give foreign gun owners preference for immigration. Foreign gun owners who were in the country illegally would be given citizenship under special programs.
- Charged with brutal discrimination, Chuck Schumer would finally have to admit that his political philosophy is closest to that of Dr. Mengele. He would then be voted out of the Senate by horrified constituents. Hillary Clinton would do an about-face and apologize for all of the ill treatment endured by gun owners under her husband's administration. She
would then be filmed entering a gun store and purchasing a nice little number from a manufacturer that hasn't caved into the federal government.
- Public clinics would be established for treating trigger-finger calluses and kickback trauma.
- Every June, there would be a "Gun owner Pride Day" march in San Francisco, and friends and relatives of gun owners would "come out" to show support.
- The President would sign an executive order designating April as "Gun History Month." Public and school events would be held to commemorate all the heroic deeds of gun owners. Pancake breakfasts would be held by church and community organizations to honor longtime gun owners.
- Fashion magazines would review the latest in holster styles, and fashion designers would color coordinate holsters with evening wear. Parisian shows would present the most outrageous styles on stick-thin models, and Gucci would sell a $6,000 holster that even non-gunowners would buy as a status symbol.
- 60 Minutes would run an expose about how dry-cleaners charge more for cleaning gunpowder stains than for other kinds of stains.
- Equal opportunity employers would hire M/F/H/G. They would set a quota whereby at least 45% of their employees were gun owners and, to increase workplace safety, all employees would be encouraged to bring their guns to work. The "100 Best Employers" would all have ranges on their campuses that employees could use for free during breaks and after work.
- Colleges would all set up student gun clubs, which would receive protected status under the college's anti-discrimination policy. Any colleges refusing to do so would be denied federal funds under Title IX.
- Hundreds of gunowner-owned and operated radio stations would spring up around the country, offering appropriate programming. The FCC would actively facilitate and promote such minority ownership.
- One night a week would be dedicated by both the FOX and UPN networks to shows catering to gun owners. Commercial time would cost more due to the audience size and relatively high affluence. Taurus would promote its titanium handgun, Browning would hawk the merits of BARs, and Federal would try to persuade people to spend big bucks on their ammunition.
- Gun owner movies would become part of the pop culture. "The Rifleman" and "Paladin" would be shown on TNT every three months. Academy awards would go to "A Blazin' in the Sun"--a story about the travails of range practice in Texas during the month of August.
- Jane Fonda would star in a weepy, sensitive movie about a gun owner who experienced discrimination from her hoplophobic neighbors, but through strength of character, managed to rise above it, and in the meantime convince her neighbors to become gun owners as well.
- The Oakland, California, school board would vote to teach
hoplophonics as part of the curriculum.
- Congress would pass a law giving gun stores the same legal protection against "hate crime" that churches have.
- Newspapers would report assemblies by anti-gunowner groups in the 9th page of the third section, next to articles about KKK gatherings.
- City governments would establish programs like "Midnight Target Practice" to keep wayward youth off the street.
- Charitable organizations would set up centers with attached indoor ranges for homeless and/or veteran gun owners. Each winter, newspapers would run stories about how there are too few guns at the facilities for the desperate gun owners wanting to get in from the cold.
- People who are opposed to discrimination would applaud whenever a city elected a gun owning mayor.
- Bob Dylan would write protest songs about the hardships of gun owners.
- Preachers would lead crowds of assault weapons owners on a civil liberties march from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Janet Reno would feel compelled to call out the National Guard to protect the marchers from frightened hoplophobes.
- Large sums of money would be awarded to researchers studying mixed marriages between gun owners and non-gunowners. Even more money would be awarded to programs that promise that their children would be proud of their gun owning parent's heritage.
- Al Gore would claim that although he was once anti-gunowner 20 years ago, he has changed his mind and is now firmly in the gun owner camp.
- Lisa Simpson would sympathize with the plight of the "oppressed minority" and buy a spiffy AK Shorty to show solidarity. She would give an appropriately long and boring (to her brother Bart, anyway) speech about why it's the ethically right thing to do.
- President Clinton would "feel your pain" and propose hundreds of billions of tax dollars be used in programs to end discrimination against gun owners once and for all.
- GOA, SAS and JPFO representatives would be invited to White House dinners as often as the NAACP officials.
- Banks, in an effort to avoid charges of "redlining," would set aside significant percentages of loans just for gun owners hoping to buy or upgrade their guns.