Mother’s Intention:

How Belief Shapes Birth

A Commonsense Guide to Safer, More Comfortable, Guilt-free Birth

By

Kim Wildner, CCE, CHt, HBCE

Copyright 2003 Kimberly K. Wildner

This page contains the first three chapters free of charge.

For more information, please see one of the following websites:

To order directly from the publisher, go to http://www.freewebs.com/harborandhill/order.htm

To contact the author: P.O. Box 265, Ludington, Mi 49431 or email: hypnotips@chartermi.net

Order forms are also available at any of the following websites: www.realsideofbirth.com and click on ‘past shows’

www.hypnobirthing.com click on ‘annual conclave’ and follow the link provided, or www.womanswisdom.info.

What people are saying about this revolutionary work:

“This book presents complicated information into a useable format. The information in this book is based on fact, not medical fiction, as are too many birthing books available.

The up to date scientific knowledge presented in this book will allow you to be well informed about the information that matters to you during pregnancy. By using the information in this book, you can plan to have a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, comfortable birth.

I highly recommend this book for all my patients, all women contemplating pregnancy and all obstetrical medical providers.”

Lorne R. Campbell Sr. M.D.

Associate Professor Department of Family Medicine

State University of NY Buffalo School of Medicine

"In Mother’s Intention Wildner has given to all women who are pregnant and to all who wish to be pregnant an honest, accurate and clearly marked roadmap for their journey toward achieving safe and comfortable birthing.  It is a must read!”

Marie F. Mongan, Founder HypnoBirthing® Institute

www.hypnobirthing.com

“If everyone were to read this book and honestly venture into their own beliefs regarding pregnancy, birth and parenthood, great things would happen! Our country’s infant mortality rate would drastically decline, women would fully embrace the power of their femininity, and best of all, the act of birth would no longer be feared. It would be anticipated with joy, engaged in totally, and treasured as the miracle it is!”

Lynette M. Prentice A.A.H.C.C.

Birth Instructor and Mother of three

“This book provides pregnant families with an opportunity to explore their beliefs and feelings around pregnancy and birth. Opportunities for contemplation and journaling thread throughout the book, helping families clarify their own thoughts and feelings with a fresh perspective.”

Pat Sonnenstuhl, CNM, HBCE, CPPI
http://home.attbi.com/~prebirthhealth/

“It's time to quit the whining, and take our births back. No more "I didn't know",  "Where were you when I had my baby",  "Nobody told me".  Here it is. It IS possible for birth to be a peak experience, and it's worth working for.  Ms. Wildner provides both theory and tools to help women shape this amazing event. So read the book, do the thinking, and create the framework for the experience you want for yourself, your baby and your life.”

Kip Kozlowski, RN, CNM, CHt.

Director, Greenhouse Birth Center

“Wildner has a very special way of putting down information that is not agenda based or negative. Her work will be used in training doulas as well as expectant mothers. You will have a new outlook on life and birth when you are done with this book.”

Dee Nipper, Doula and Executive producer and host of The Real Side of Birth,

A positive radio show about birth and your choices.

www.realsideofbirth.com

Introduction

Before I even begin to explain who I am and how this book came about, I feel it may be helpful to the reader if I explain the motivation for writing it.

Childbirth books are plentiful. Many on gentle birth have been dismissed out-of-hand by the very persons who need them most, with amazing rationalizations.

How and why have some women dismissed books that held the key to better birth?

One way is that even though women want gentle birth, many do not believe it’s really possible. Avoiding concepts that challenge core beliefs is a coping mechanism. Therefore, experts in natural childbirth have been labeled ‘naturalists’ or ‘alarmists’, which makes them easy to write off. Some women insist that to suggest birth can be joyful or comfortable is to be deceitful; to suggest our current system has flaws is seen as nearly heretical, or at the very least a negative thing. This is, basically, ‘shooting the messenger’.

This book puts forth some very concrete and positive steps to creating the best birth possible for the reader. In order to implement these steps, the rationale for them needs to be established. This means it’s imperative to first acknowledge, then define, the problems that currently exist so that the solutions make sense. I have struggled with how to do this in the most positive way, and what I have come up with is to simply rely on the results—scientific evidence--to speak to the success or failure of what is currently considered the ‘norm’ and let the individual decide what makes sense.

To a reader who has been tempted to disregard other works, I would ask “What would be the ulterior motive behind the ‘breast is best’ or ‘natural birth is preferable’ message? I have actually read articles, full of animosity, declare that breastfeeding advocates are ‘nipple-nazis’ with an agenda. What would that be, exactly? I implore the readers of this book to consider that maybe, just maybe, there is truth in these messages. Act ‘as if’ there might be legitimacy to the idea that nature has a plan that allows you to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. If, after you are finished with the book and actually done the work, you still don’t believe that birth can be wonderful, that’s fine. I have no problem in agreeing to disagree. It’s your birth to do your way. However, I would speculate that you’ve picked up this book to help you create a better birth. That goal is attainable if you go into this with a willing heart.

My childbearing days are done, so that fact that childbirth options are eroding at an appalling pace is of no personal concern to me. Stop. Did you inwardly scoff at the thought that women currently don’t have control over their births? Were you tempted to reject the very idea? Was your first reaction to rationalize that maybe other women don’t have options, but you certainly do? Then you need this book. Or, did you nod your head in agreement that certainly, you have no choice but to do whatever your care-provider tells you, even if it’s contrary to common sense? Then you need this book more.

Why do I passionately advocate for gentle birth? Believe me, I ask myself that question on a regular basis! Why have I put the time and energy into your babies by writing, lecturing, and teaching? There’s always a pay-off. What’s mine? I don’t own a breast-milk bank. I don’t hold stock in endorphins or prolactin (a couple of the body’s natural ‘feel good’ hormones). The fact that my husband calls this my ‘expensive hobby’ may indicate what the financial reward has been. I don’t get a fiscal incentive for ‘converting’ someone to a midwife-attended birth, nor am I rewarded with expensive gifts for support of holistic doctors (though, hey, I’m open to the possibility). I am very proud of the mothering decisions we’ve made, confident that they were right for us, so there is no emotional motivation in the ‘bad company is better than no company’ sort of way. I will admit to living vicariously through mothers who glowingly rave about the birth they originally thought impossible. I experience again the wonderment of my own birth. I also like being around these gently born children who exhibit impulse control, compassion and empathy, just as scientists researching undisturbed brain development suggested they would. I feel good knowing these kids will impact my world, and the world my child inherits, in a positive way.

Every time I’ve been ready to just tap out, someone has told me I helped them change their life. Someone told me the day I sat down to write this introduction. When I know that someone’s birth was an act of empowerment that helped a family bond into a beautiful thing, because of something I shared, it keeps me going.

My objective is to reduce irrational fear so that women can have the best birth they can have. A fear that is disproportionate to the actual risk is irrational. Fear of birth is completely out of proportion, as you will see if you do the journal exercises in this book, agreeing to keep an open mind about the facts you will read.

They may seem implausible with the current thinking of the average parent-to-be, but by the end of the book you should be seeing the possibilities that are available to you in a whole new light.

Entire chapters are devoted to issues of fear, guilt and motivation behind many controversies within the ‘birthing community’. I ask that the reader move through the book sequentially, taking a few days to mull over what they’ve read in each chapter and to do the work. The material is nothing new, but it may be new to you. It asks, for your own health and well-being and that of your baby, that you entertain thoughts you may never have considered. Some thoughts are contrary to popular belief. I will ask you to look deeply into beliefs you may currently hold as self-evident truths.

You can take control of what is controllable in birth, which is a great deal. This is how guilt is avoided…by being secure in the knowledge that you’ve made decisions based on all of the information available and with the best of intent. If you want a great birth, do what those who tell great births stories do. If you want to be one of the ones telling horror stories, do what everyone else does. It’s that simple.

During pregnancy and in the early years of parenting, if you don’t become knowledgeable it could affect your life in a big way. When you are knowledgeable, no one can take advantage of you. It’s much easier to do the work ahead of time. By reading this book you won’t be one of the increasing numbers of women asking, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I’m telling you, right now.

The question is, are you willing to listen?

PART ONE

Inspiration

Are your beliefs about birth constructed of perceptual reality or factual reality? How do you know the difference? How does what you believe about birth affect your birth? What can you do to bring your beliefs in line with science so that you might be inspired to reach higher? Is it possible to enjoy giving birth?

Clearing the Way

We all have a common objective...healthy, happy mother-babies. Used to it’s highest good, this book can save you time, effort, money, embarrassment, injury and maybe even a life.

Clear communication is essential if the reader is to maximally benefit from this work, so I would like to clarify some terminology that’s often tossed about quite casually.

Because it is human nature to assume others are like ourselves, we talk about birth with the assumption that we are all talking about the same experience. Differing birth philosophies mean we may not be, making for emotionally charged exchanges if we don’t first take this step.

Even though the majority of birth professionals go out of their way to use neutral language, inevitably miscommunication develops around such personal issues if terminology is not defined. It’s human nature to become defensive if a dearly held belief is being challenged. Nowhere are our beliefs held as deeply as those relating to childbirth and childrearing.

Certain terms are inappropriately applied to natural birth advocates on a regular basis. This misuse of language has even spawned new, judgmental terminology, which is interesting, because they stem from the charge that natural birth advocates are ‘judgmental’.

I offer the following dictionary definitions for a few of the most common of these characterizations, with discussion of the misapplication of each.

balanced: to make two parts exactly equal; a means of judging or deciding; counter balancing with force or influence; to equalize in weight, number or proportion; weigh; to bring into harmony or proportion. Common use regarding childbirth and parenting information: “I chose the hospital class because they provide balanced information”.

biased: to give a bias to; prejudice. (prejudice: preconceived judgment or opinion; a favoring or dislike of something without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge; an irrational attitude or hostility directed at an individual, a group or race; to cause or have prejudice: bias.) Common use regarding childbirth and parenting information: “I didn’t find that book useful because it was so biased”

judge/judgment/judgmental: to form an authoritative opinion by discerning or comparing; an opinion so formed; the capacity for judging; discernment. Common use: “Women on the natural childbirth message boards are so judgmental! What a bunch of birth nazis (or “naturalists” or other, ironically, judgmental labels)”.

natural: born in or with one; innate; being such by nature; existing or used in or produced by nature; having or showing qualities held to part of the nature of man; conforming to the laws of nature; not made or altered by man; marked by simplicity or sincerity; not affected. Common debate: What constitutes ‘natural childbirth’?

objective: existing outside and independent of the mind; treating or dealing with facts without distortion by personal feeling or prejudice. “I would like objective information about my birthing options.”

Which words accurately describe natural birth and parenting advocates? More importantly, which apply to the information about to be presented in this book? How are these words used in heated debate and who does it harm?

Let us look at “balanced” first…“to make two parts exactly equal.” What if the two parts are not equal? What if a parent will be making decisions that will affect her and her baby with both short and long term consequences. Is it fair to distort reality so that the information she has to choose from seems ‘equal’, even though it really isn’t? Why would a parent want information that appears balanced, but isn’t factual?

“a means of judging or deciding; counter balancing with force or influence; to equalize in weight, number or proportion; weigh; to bring into harmony or proportion” Using this definition, it would be reasonable to find the following in the hands of those that claim to seek “balance”:

Gentle Birth Choices, by Barbara Harper (which gives equal time to all options)

Five Standards for Safe Childbearing, by Stewert (which weighs all existing data on what makes birth safe)

The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Better Birth or Obstetric Myths versus Research Realities, by Henci Goer (both weigh current practice against the scientific literature)

However, that’s not usually the case. The books most often found maintain the status quo and are not supported by one bit of evidence…do not give “equal force or influence to” proven safe options such as homebirth or freestanding birth centers. By “informing” women that they can expect substandard care, women accept substandard care.

If asked why they chose a childbirth class at the hospital instead of an independent class, parents maintain it’s more “balanced”.

Consider this:

In a hospital class the childbirth educator (CBE) is an employee of the hospital. She may only teach pre-approved material. She may not be able to fully answer questions posed by parents if the response contradicts the protocols of the hospital, or even one doctor, no matter if she can provide scientific evidence for her answer and the doctor cannot. An instructor in an institution cannot give unbiased, balanced information that includes any providers other than those who sign her checks. Think about it from the hospital’s point of view…would you hire someone who would provide information that might help parents take their dollars elsewhere? As a doctor, would you send your patients to a class where they might learn there are other caregivers who practice under safer guidelines?

Classes in the hospital are actually more affordable because of the bias they operate under. Formula and drug companies subsidize these classes. The content of the class can be determined in large part by how involved other parties are. The ‘free’ gifts are not always ‘free’.

An independent instructor is not subsidized. Her passion for birth usually happened one of two ways—either she had such a horrible birth experience she went on a mission to discover what went wrong and now wants to spare you her anguish, or she had such a wonderful birth experience she wants to share the steps to better birth she used. I’m the latter, in case you wondered.

With an independent instructor, you sign her paycheck. She can fully, and honestly, answer any question you ask. She works as a CBE because she wants to make a difference, not because she’s grudgingly been assigned the task on top of her long OB nursing shift.

In fact, she may not even be a nurse, which is to your advantage. Nursing is a highly skilled profession requiring an enormous amount of knowledge from pediatrics to geriatrics; surgical to pharmaceutical. Normal labor and birth are a very small part of what they learn in their extensive training, and an even smaller part of their experience if the only births they ever witness are medically managed.

An independent CBE is an autonomous practitioner who only studies pregnancy, birth and (sometimes) early parenting. Because her specialty is quite narrow, she knows more about what you need to know. Her education likely included study of all birth options, as does her continuing education.

An independent instructor has compared and contrasted every option available to pregnant mothers. Having done so, her classes are most likely ‘natural childbirth’ classes.

Parents often think that’s what their hospital class is. If it’s called a ‘prepared childbirth’ class or an ‘expectant parent’ class, it’s not.

Even a class billed ‘natural childbirth’ may not be what it seems. There is confusion over what ‘natural childbirth’ means, which is why I included it in the list of terms to clarify. We can’t have a discussion about birth if we are not on the same page, so to speak.

There is a trend deeming any vaginal birth ‘natural’. Going back to our dictionary definition, “born in or with one; innate; being such by nature; existing or used in or produced by nature; having or showing qualities held to part of the nature of man; conforming to the laws of nature; not made or altered by man; marked by simplicity or sincerity; not affected”, what can logically be called ‘natural’?

“born in or with one; innate; being such by nature; existing or used in or produced by nature” could include a vaginal birth with natural (produced by nature) interventions such as nipple stimulation, herbs, positional changes or relaxation techniques that trigger the “relaxation response”, an innate biological state of being that counters the affects of the ‘fight or flight response’, which inhibits natural labor.

Is pitocin made by nature? No. Does it affect the natural process of birth? Yes. Are drugs such as stadol, nubain or Demerol made in nature? No. Do they affect the natural process? Yes. Are epidural drugs made by nature? No. Do they affect normal labor progression. Yes.

It would stand to reason then, that while a vaginal birth is possible with such alterations of the birth process, natural birth is not.

Please note that restoring the term ‘natural childbirth’ to it’s actual meaning does not ‘take’ anything away from anyone who wishes to reframe their experience. It simply brings the term back into compliance with the definition of ‘natural’ for the sake of clear communication. Perception is reality. Some prefer to call surgical births ‘natural’, which is their prerogative. I am choosing to use natural in the literal sense.

Also note that in doing so, no judgment has been implied. Distinction of natural birth, vaginal birth and surgical birth simply means they are dissimilar. There is no doubt that they are different experiences. Not better or worse, just different.

Even having taken great pains to use neutral language and explicitly state that different only means different, I know from experience that there will be a few people who will read ‘better/worse, good/bad, always/never’ where it does not exist. If your initial reaction is to do so, please take a moment to consider why. Is there a subconscious need to claim this rite of passage? Is there underlying self-doubt or low self-esteem issues? Is there inner conflict over the intent behind past decisions?

Birth does not place us in competition with other women. We do that to ourselves. Birth is the most singular experience with our true self that we can have. In the following examples, see how removal of the personal element by using a different experience shifts perception, thus reality.

Weight loss is very hard for some. One person may entirely change their diet and exercise twice a day to reach their goal. One person may take prescription drugs. Another may choose herbal, over-the-counter assistance. Yet another might have gastric by-pass surgery to achieve the same goal.

Each person reaches their goal, but they all have different experiences. We don’t define them with judgment words of ‘better’ or ‘worse’, nor do we judge the people themselves. What if we decided to call all of these experiences ‘natural weight loss programs’? Does deciding it make them so?

How about if we take it out of the medical realm? Since birth is not a medical event or illness, it may be more appropriate to use an example of marathon participants, where the objective is to test one’s endurance, finishing the race, but not necessarily first. Pride comes from the accomplishment of working hard to achieve a goal. There are no losers.

• One person trained hard all year, eating well and exercising daily.
• One person does the same, with the addition that he requires insulin for a diabetic condition (or any medication for any medical condition).
• One person does the same, aided by a prosthesis replacing a lost limb.
• One person does the same from a wheel chair due to paraplegia.
• One sort of prepares, but decides part way through the race that it’s too hard, and so catches a ride to the finish line.

All the same experience? No. There is no shame in finishing a race assisted by modern medicine when necessary. Indeed, those people must overcome obstacles others never even face. Should the person who could not have functioned without assistance of wheels be viewed the same as someone who chose them? How fair is it to the person who worked so hard to be put in the same category as someone who makes the decision not to? If the only goal is to cross the finish line, who is to judge how one gets there? The only opinion that matters is the participant’s. Who is to determine how a participant should feel? Who decides who will be allowed to say they did it ‘on their own’? Must we all agree on a definition of ‘success’, or is realty wholly the participant’s perception?

It’s obvious that ‘natural childbirth’ is a coveted experience, but how did it come-to-pass that the definition of ‘natural’ included the very antithesis of ‘natural’?

Intentionally. By manipulating language, we manipulate experience. ‘Natural’ should mean ‘normal’. By calling the obstetrically managed experience ‘normal’ despite the many non-medially indicated, inappropriately applied interventions used, those interventions then come to be seen as ‘natural’. This is the progression of how flat-on-the-back births with IVs, drugs, inductions and episiotomies came to be accepted as ‘normal’. Birth has been re-conceptualized, re-labeled and remarketed. It’s up to mothers to reclaim natural birth.

In order to do that, mothers have to stop arguing over what is ‘natural’. I propose the following commonsense definitions:

· Natural birth-Birth not made or altered by man; being such by nature.

· Vaginal birth-Birth wherein the baby passes though the birth passage, regardless of interventions used. A natural birth is a vaginal birth, but a vaginal birth may not be a natural birth.

· Surgical birth-Birth wherein the baby is surgically removed from the mother’s uterus.

All terms use the word ‘birth’; no term is inflammatory or derogatory; all are accurate and honest.

Honesty is frequently (and erroneously) called ‘judgmental’ when the subject is birth or parenting. There are two important components to this identity crisis.

One must first ask, “Was the intent malicious or benevolent?” then “Did the language actually contain judgment words, or did I hear judgment words?” and finally “If no judgment was intended or implied, why did I hear it? Is there self-judgment, or am I projecting judgment?”

Actual ‘judgmental attitudes’, the negative meaning usually ascribed to the term, are easy to spot and quite different from simple honesty when the two are compared and contrasted. I don’t know a childbirth professional who would ever make judgmental comments to any mother like those found in the second group that follows, though I know many who have been accused of saying those things when what actually they said was something similar to the neutral comments first presented. I won’t claim that no one, professional or not, ever passes judgment in a negative way, only that the accusation is most often unfounded.

Judgmental statements use judgmental words and blanket statements…bad, good, crazy, idiot, horrible, selfish, always, never. Shoot, just typing them made me feel bad. Please be aware that I do not hold the opinions given as ‘judgmental’! I do not know anyone who does. I have heard them mistaken for the honest statements, which is why I chose to use them as examples!

Honest phrases:

· There is no medical reason for routine circumcision.

· There is no artificial mother’s milk substitute that is good for babies.

· Epidurals have short and long-term negative effects on both mother and baby.

· Natural birth means “as nature intended.”

Judgmental phrases:

· Genital mutilation is never justified.

· Women who don’t breastfeed are selfish.

· Mothers who need epidurals are wimps.

· It’s idiotic to call an induced or epidural birth “natural”.

Who talks to other people that way? Not many, though, countless give themselves such harsh assessments.

Judgments are based on opinion and therefore cannot be substantiated. Anyone who hears them would be offended. Honest statements, on-the-other-hand, are made with neutral language. They contain verifiable truth. Honest statements do not hold judgment, though the judgmental may hold some truth, which is where people may get confused.

Honest statements may be heard as judgmental by someone who is judgmental, but not by everyone. An objective bystander hearing an honest statement might wonder why it would upset anyone.

An objective bystander would be hard to find, though, since we all see the world through the lens of our personal experience. We all form opinions from the time we begin absorbing our environment. Some of our opinions we have formulated on our own through experience, some we have inherited. This colors incoming messages. If we hear malice or judgment where it does not exist, it is the lens we currently use that distorts what we allow into our reality construct.

What if there is malice intended? What if a truly vicious person makes a comment with the sole intent of making another person feel badly for no reason?

It’s still all about the malicious person holding the judgment, whose reality is created by the lens that distorts their perception. Their judgment has nothing to do with anyone but them. Even if the judgment is directed at me, I know the person holding the judgment feels that way about everyone, all the time. If I don’t take it personally, it doesn’t have to hurt me. I can choose to ignore it, realizing it has nothing to do with me. Only you can decide if you will choose to let it mean anything to you.

Do you care what a stranger thinks about your birth? Do you care what anyone thinks about your choices? Why? How liberating it is to be able to step back and not take someone else’s perception of reality personally. It takes an awful lot of energy to be offended by comments with no offense behind them, and isn’t it also a little arrogant to think that the choices we make regarding birth are of concern to anyone but ourselves? By making assumptions and taking things personally, we only hurt ourselves.

Every person has a lens. Every opinion is biased, including the ones you hold. The question is, what created the perception leading to a particular bias? Does the bias benefit you or not? Is the bias warranted? Does your own bias prevent access of information that might benefit you? Is your bias based on fact?

When it comes to childbirth and parenting, when someone dismisses information as ‘biased’, what it actually means is the information does not fit with their already held biases. It is the things we feel insecure about that bring up defensiveness in the face of judgment, or perceived judgment, as the case may be.

If someone were to pass judgment on you for something you didn’t do or something you felt confident about, do you think you’d feel defensive or hurt? Not likely. You would simply shrug off the comment or the person making it.

This work and the works listed as resources are very much unbiased as they are based on scientific and experiential knowledge. In fact, the most common selections currently passing for “balanced” or “unbiased” childbirth information are actually very biased and highly prejudicial, based on nothing more than a slick PR campaign.

Judgmental? Let’s see: judge/judgment/judgmental: to form an authoritative opinion by discerning or comparing; an opinion so formed; the capacity for judging; discernment. By this definition, yes, it could be called judgmental as this information is very carefully weighed and considered. I will not own the term ‘judgmental’ in the way it is usually used, however.

One last human tendency that gets in the way of clear communication is making assumptions, especially from a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ mind-set. This has created an enormous chasm between those of us trying to help women create better births and the women themselves.

Is ‘better’ a judgment word? Only if it is applied in the context of ‘my birth was better than your birth’. Current birth management leaves us with 27 countries with fewer babies dying than the US. (March of Dimes Perinatal Data Center, August 2002) This is worse than when I began teaching 10 years ago. Current birth management is leaving mothers feeling that they can’t cope, with war stories instead of joyful birth stories. Current birth and parenting advice, in the noble attempt to not offend anyone, gives advice that helps no one. We can do better. That is how I use the term.

In any case, assuming one personal choice makes another one wrong distorts communication about the choices themselves.

· It is assumed that if a mother has a homebirth she hates doctors and hospitals.

Truth: Homebirth mothers recognize that hospitals and doctors are necessary in special circumstances. If they were sick or injured in pregnancy, they would not hesitate to gratefully utilize technology.

· It is assumed that because natural birth advocates want parents to have truthful information about labor drugs they are against compassionate use of, or medically indicated pharmaceuticals.

Truth: Not so…only unnecessary or inappropriate used, without full disclosure of risk.

These are personal examples. I have faced judgmental attitudes for my choices many times. No one can make me feel anything I do not choose to feel. The judgment I’ve encountered doesn’t phase me because I am confident that I’ve made the best choices for myself and my family with the information I had at the time. I’m not concerned if anyone agrees with me or how they feel about what I do. At times I’ve attempted to explain my decisions, until I realized that the people making assumptions and judgments don’t actually want to hear about solid decision making strategies if it conflicts with what they already believe to be true. They don’t even hear, much less listen or consider.

As you work through this book and start making decisions that may be different from what our society considers the norm, you may hear comments with a lot of anger and hurt behind them, seemingly directed at you. Comments like, “Well I did [such and such] and my kids are just fine!” when you never implied that they weren’t. You may never even had a thought in your head that the other person could have or should have done anything differently, but they are seeing your actions though their own lens and making assumptions. It doesn’t have anything to do with your choices or why you made them.

In fact, if you tried to explain why you made a particular decision, they probably won’t even hear you because they aren’t upset about you and your decision…they have issues with their own decisions. They are stuck in an either/or mind-set.

If you think your decision is right, the assumption is you think their decision was wrong. It’s best to just let it go. We are only responsible for our own heath and well-being.

It is true that those of use who have been trying to improve the safety and experience of birth for decades get frustrated when we hear horror story after preventable horror story.

We want so much better for women and babies, not because we’re judgmental or think that every birth can (or should) be the same, but because we’ve seen so much sorrow that didn’t have to happen!

If you were psychic and could foretell a train wreck about to happen, would you be frustrated that a person ignored your warning and was hurt?

If your adult self could go back and tell your child self what you know now so that her life could be better, would you? Would you be aggravated if she didn’t listen?

Natural birth supporters aren’t trying to scare you by telling you what you don’t want to hear, we are trying to help you! What you don’t know can hurt you! If you don’t know your options, you don’t have any. If you make decisions that net the expected, with all the unhappiness mothers now complain of, we are sad that you have to endure that…not judgmental. Closing one’s eyes to the truth does not make it cease to exist…it only makes one powerless to deal with the reality.

Which brings us to ‘objective’. Natural birth advocates are often passionate about natural birth. Passion does not preclude objectivity. If a person’s personal opinion is based on emotion alone, then obviously they are not objective. However, if their passion arises from facts ‘existing outside and independent of the mind” and there is no distortion of the facts ‘by personal feelings or prejudice’, then the information is quite objective. How does one know the difference? Test the validity of the assertion. In this work, I have provided the resources to do just that in the notes. Yes, I’m passionate. I’m also objective.

So who am I and why would what I have to tell you matter?

I am you. I am a daughter, a wife, a mother. I grew up in the Midwest in the typical American family with 2.2 children. I was influenced by the same cultural ideas about pregnancy and birth that most people have.

The ‘point two’ child came into my family when I was 13. As a strong willed child prone to testing the data, I questioned everything my mother went through. I wanted to know ‘why’ to everything. I found it strangely disconcerting that there were no logical answers to my questions. Even the answers that were supposed to be logical didn’t compute.

Why would a woman need to be cut (an episiotomy) to get a baby out? If nature were so incompetent as to make the birth passage inadequate to birth a baby, why weren’t all mammals walking around with damaged vaginas? As it seemed to me, only human mothers were…due to the episiotomy! There were dozens of other illogical (to me) rituals in becoming a mother. Often the only ‘reason’ for them was because “That’s what they do.” (Ah! The ubiquitous they!)

My husband and I were faced with infertility when we decided to start our family. In researching reproduction, I began to learn that my instincts about birth were right. Not only was there no good reason behind much of the technology routine in modern birth, but much of it was actually proven harmful. I began a path toward midwifery, certain that with all of the information available…information that eventually enabled me to have a wonderful, safe birth without being cut, poked or drugged once we finally conceived…women would soon be looking for ways to have empowering births like mine.

That didn’t happen. In fact, in the 80’s and 90’s a plethora of unproven technologies continued to be unleashed on women with no improvement in outcomes(1), many with serious questions of not only efficacy but safety. Women became more fearful than ever. The harder those of us in the know tried to impart vital knowledge, the faster women ran toward the burning barn. I couldn’t figure out why women were rushing out to learn what to expect instead of learning to expect better. It took me years to figure out the reason. It had nothing to do with facts and everything to do with belief.

I set aside my midwifery aspirations to concentrate on what had, at first, been a steppingstone to midwifery...education. I focused my attention on writing and teaching. Still, the ones who ‘got it’ were few-and-far-between. I felt like I was spinning my wheels. Why couldn’t I get through to these intelligent parents?

I couldn’t get around their fear.

Whether consciously acknowledged or unconscious in nature, until the fear is dealt with, the belief holds firm. I educated myself on how to release false assumptions and applied critical thinking skills to our common cultural beliefs about birth. Mother’s Intention and Woman’s Wisdom sprang to life.

If used in pregnancy, birth and early parenthood, success—and by results this means the safest birth possible for you and the easiest transition into parenthood—is inevitable.

You will find that this material is based on evidence-based care…and that what you think you know just isn’t so when it comes to maternity care in the US. I feel a duty to use my life to educate women on evidence-based care, which they believe is what they are getting. Women in America today are basing life-altering decisions on belief that they think is fact. Each subsequent decision is affected by that very first belief. Everything I share will be substantiated so that the reader can research the data. Not only do I encourage it, I expect it.

Sometimes wisdom comes from odd sources…I live by this little gem I found on a tube of lip balm years ago, “Examine everything you’ve been told. Reject what insults your soul.”

Being Honest about Motherhood

Recently Dr. Phil and Oprah(2) have done shows on the difficulties mothers face today, from dealing with postpartum depression and the loss of ‘self’ to not wanting to be mothers at all.

Mothers are in crisis. They are having trouble coping. Many are disillusioned that no one told them how hard this job was.

Some are angry at the discovery that it’s not a task that fits neatly between day jobs and isn’t even a simple day job itself.

They feel unable to deal with the problems and challenges they are faced with, assuming they are somehow deficient. They wonder how other mothers do it, or they insist the mothers who say they love it are lying. Some may be faced with challenges they didn’t sign up for. Even more have created problems where none would have existed but for the choices they made, yet our ‘feel good’ society is loathe to point that out for fear of seeming to ‘mother bash’. How can anyone learn from their mistakes if everyone is too afraid point out that the mistakes exist?! The emperor is naked, people!

If you are one of the mothers feeling overwhelmed, you may feel it’s unfair that your life seems out of control. Maybe it is. I don’t want to minimize the magnitude of the job. It is enormous. It’s the best job in the world, but that doesn’t mean you’ll love doing it 24/7. The fact remains that it is what it is and you need to find a way to manage it. You need to know what you are culpable for so that next time around you don’t make the same mistakes. Most women will only get a couple of cracks at this motherhood thing.

This book won’t tell you what to expect. What you can expect will change based on your own actions. Without action behind intent, there is no growth…no change. You get what you put into it, for better or for worse.

An open mind is essential for creating the birth you want. Letting go of resistance is imperative. Believe me when I say that there will be long held ideas that will be challenged. Give the new ideas a fair chance. Test their accuracy and validity.

For most parents-to-be, someone else is controlling your outcome. Parents are just rolling along with no plan, leaving the most important work with which they’ll ever be entrusted to chance. These parents will live with the consequences of their choices for a lifetime, yet decisions are made without true informed consent or worse, under duress as their fear and love for their baby is played upon.

Are you holding yourself, or those making life-and-death decisions for you, to the same standards to which foster or adoptive parents are held? What’s in “the best interest of the child.” Or, are you doing what ‘everyone else’ does just because everyone else does?

How did we get here?

We didn’t arrive by accident at this place where common sense is uncommon in obstetrical care. The progression is easy to dissect and examine.

Human behavior in obstetricians is the same as in the rest of us. Some of the traits we will explore in ourselves (and in these human beings who have bore the weight of our perceptions) are not pleasant to face.

It is necessary though, because nowhere else are they more damaging than in our experience as parents. For as a parent, you are not only accountable for your own life, but the life you have created, and, by extension, all the lives that life touches. Talk about a ripple effect!

Very pulled together people, people who excel in every other area of their lives, still will not ask themselves the questions that beg to be asked regarding parenthood. Mothers are drowning in guilt already, so it’s become politically incorrect to talk about accountability. “Of course, it’s a choice” we say of so much of parenting, and of course it is. But few are willing to say there might be better choices. This is unfair to the mothers who are yet to come, for implying that all choices are equal when they simply are not cheats them out of the opportunity to make the better choice. It is a symptom of a destructive human trait…denial.

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