An
Oracle without a Delphi--Bin Laden’s 10th Epistle to the Europeans
An off-Broadway masterpiece?
Poor Osama bin Laden, trapped in the mountains of Pakistan! How long has it been? He has fallen so far behind Islam’s Family Guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in the stupid-things-to-say department he’ll never catch up. Even Moammar Gadhafy is gaining ground. It won’t be long and Osama will be just another has been—an Oracle without a Delphi.
While Ahmadinejad is taking on Geert Wilders, bin Laden, has fallen farther out of the information loop than George Bush the Elder, farther than Zippo Marx. Bin Laden is still railing about the Jyllands-Posten Mohammad cartoons. In his first Epistle to the Europeans since 2007, Osama lambasted the European Union for allowing newspapers to republish the Mohammad cartoons. He may have a point. He might not be much of an art critic when it comes to deciding what makes a piece of art good or bad but if one takes a ‘real’ look at the Mohammed pictures one will see that bin Laden is essentially correct—most of the cartoons don’t merit being republished; maybe as curiosities but not as serious works of art. Except for the bearded fellow with the bomb in his hat, none of the Jyllands-Posten cartoons has risen to the level of a Piss Christ, though the piece with the creep brandishing the knife has some merit and could make an off-Broadway gallery. The rest—strictly trash can art.
What is needed more than anything else is a new Mohammed cartoon contest otherwise the Prophet is doomed to spend eternity with a bomb in his hat. Maybe the New York Times could step in, sponsor a contest—it would do wonders for their sagging readership, give Maureen Down and Frank Rich something to live for.
But bin Laden’s Epistle was more than fun and games. It was not to be jeered at. It offered some constructive criticism. The Europeans have abandoned “the etiquettes of disputes and the morals of war,” he said. How prescient! If Winston Churchill and Lloyd George were still around Osama would have been burned to a crisp in his Fuhrer-bunker years ago, assuming, of course, he had survived the obligatory mustard gas attack on his shelter half. Apparently some people don’t know when they are well off.
But if Osama wants to return to the days of the code duello—the etiquette of disputes—he could go one-on-one with the Texas Gunslinger at High Noon—otherwise he can “lie a coward, a craven coward, in his grave.” At six-foot-five he makes a target even Hillary Clinton couldn’t miss—Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, yes, Hillary no.
But for a man who won’t show his face, he is one mouthy rascal. He says republishing the cartoons would be a worse crime against humanity than killing women and children. That’s his opinion. Hundreds of millions of people disagree with him and tens of thousands of them have republished the cartoons on their blogs and websites. The European Union and the international media are lagging far behind the man in the street in defense of life, liberty and the pursuit of indelicate art.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a foot shorter than bin Laden but his appetite for mendacious violence is just as great. He’s like a rat terrier nipping at Uncle Sam’s heels. If he ever catches hold of a pants leg he will rue the day. For sheer volume of threats he is far ahead of Osama. He is currently threatening Geert Wilders. Not that he would cut off Geert’s ears, it would take a man to do that, but if Wilders and the Dutch don’t toe the Qur’an, it will be a long time before they see another Persian rug or barrel of Iranian oil. Is that the ‘etiquette of disputes’ bin Laden has been talking about? If it is, Mahmoud is beating Osama at his own game.
But Ahmadinejad is treading a tightrope—if he does anything to anger the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and the Mad Mullahs they will cut his strings and he will end up in the Land of the Dead Puppets where he can exchanged barbs with Charlie McCarthy and witticisms with Mortimer, if not his social equals, certainly his superiors in savoir faire and veracity. Or he could find a modest mansion on the Riviera, write his memoirs, appear as a frequent guest on al-Jezeera and model jackboots for Calvin Klein. And he still has a few friends in the Netherlands.
If bin Laden has been reading the newspapers he must have breathed a sigh of relief the other day when Saudi Arabia’s Consultative Council (the Shoura) voted down a resolution that called for the enactment of an international pact that would have forbidden individuals, private organizations and governmental bodies from insulting and defaming religion, its symbols, leaders and prophets. The vote was 77 to 33. Apparently Islamophobia is not as big a problem in Saudi Arabia as it is in the rest of the world. Still one would have thought more than a third of the Shoura would have voted to secure Islam from the attacks of Geert Wilders and Michael Savage. Is a new age dawning? Not at all—the sponsors of the resolution had not thought things out clearly, had almost hoisted themselves on their own RPG.
The vote would not have fooled Thomas Jefferson and James Madison. No one who voted against the resolution was defending the freedom of religion. Opponents said the resolution was ‘flawed.’ There were enough loopholes in the document to have satisfied Gandhi, Franklin Graham and L Ron Hubbard. Pat Robertson could have driven a King James Version of the Bible through it without scratching a verse. It would create a dangerous precedent—it would have a negative impact on Islam and would benefit the followers of other religions. Clearly, it would not do.
Khaleel Al Khaleel, a member of the Shoura, said Muslims would be forced to recognize religions that advocated the worship of idols! “Some consider Buddhism and Qadianism as religions,” he said. “Can we make it obligatory for Muslims to respect these faiths and avoid criticizing them?” What had they been thinking? Qadianism! And what about Scientology? And animism! Saudi Arabia would be overrun with rock worshipers and movie stars in low cut dresses and designer hijabs! The Shoura was properly aghast!
For a moment 33 Saudis had treaded perilously close to a separation of Church and State without knowing it! Scientology and animism and the dreaded Qadianism would have crept in the back door while the 33 Bubbleheads were asleep at the front! Scary—one more reason for bin Laden to bomb the Saudi Royal Family back into the Stone Age.
It isn’t easy living in the mountains. The view might be good, but the climate is harsh, communications are poor, reliable help is hard to find and nobody pays attention to Epistles emanating from Hell’s Badlands. If this keeps up, his will truly be a voice crying in the wilderness. If only he knew Paul’s secret…it had something to do with Damascus…a bolt of lightning…then everyone would listen to him…maybe…