SCENE 1:





... show opens in cafeteria, Woody, Timmy, and Bando sit drinking

 coffee reminiscing about the old days and how the new show will go...<P>



WOODY: Man, I just can not get past this... Yoko Ono. What was he thinking?



TIMMY: I don't think the your asking the right question woodrow. It ain't

 what was he thinkin', it's what was he thinking with...



WOODY: No, he had that problem fixed.



BANDO: (mumbling under his breath about world conquest and all his

 conspiracies)



TIMMY: How's that man?



WOODY: Well, Chester didn't like to talk about it, but one night when we

 were into our 3rd liter of Thunderbird he told me bout how in the 70's he

 joined this UFO cult and that one of the prerequisites of membership

 was... well... let's just say you had to lose a member to gain a member.



TIMMY: Ouch, that hurts the Timster down to the bottom of his soul.



BANDO: (stops muttering) What?! I don't even require that of my mindless

 minions.



WOODY: Yeah well, he said one day he woke and realized what  he did and

 kinda freaked out and quit.  Anyway  because of this he said he always

 said he felt a  special bond to me, obviously not enough to keep him

 away (rising anger) from that screeching HARPY! WHAT  WAS HE THINKING!



BANDO: I tell you what Woody, after my conquest of this  pitiful planet

 is complete, I'll let you have this  YONO person for your own personal

 torture specimen.



TIMMY: This is one saaad situation.  Good luck with the new  show hepcats.

 Daddios gotta go, Jenny's got  something special for the Timster.Just

 remember this  piece of advice - it can always get worse.

(Timmy  leaves the table)



WOODY: (sighs) thanks for trying to cheer me up but what I need now is to

 work. Let's go do the damn  show. My coffee's cold now anyway.



SHOW OPEN ROLLS...





				Opening Scene



WOODY: Good Evening ladies and gentleman, and other assorted  couch

 potato-esque viewers, welcome to the All New,  All Exciting, BANDO and

 WOODY Show.  As long time  viewers of public access channel 11, this used

 to be  the Chester and Woody show but our former star is no  longer with

 us because of "Artistic Differences."  That's in the past, so with out

 further adieu, let me  introduce to you our long time guest, and new host,

  that wacky intergalactic despot... BANDO!



BANDO: Thank you, thank you Woody. Hello puny earthlings, I  could pretend

 and spew forth some Hollywood kack  about what an honor and surprise it

 is to be taking  over as host for this program, but the truth is I've

 had this take over planned for years. HA HA HA HA HA  HA HA HA HA! I've

 gotten a legal foothold in your  broadcast industry. I'm unstoppable!!

  Not even your  all powerful FCC can stop me from beaming my

 mind-control beams thru your television sets. Soon you'll  all be under

 my power! (laughs evilly)



WOODY: Oy (shakes his head), the show must go on. C'mon  Bando, no one

 wants to here about that, we're here to  entertain America..



BANDO: No my young apprentice, America will be here to  entertain us.

 (laughs again)



WOODY: Bando, we talked about this backstage, turn the  megalomania down

 a notch on air. Have your damn  delusions backstage or at home. On air is

 for them.



BANDO: This is the package you got. I'm not changing who I  am for anyone,

 even a Nielsen Family



	<H3>(woody and bando ad lib argument while gary wheels tv on set)</H3>



WOODY: What now, can't you see we're doing a show, get off  the set!

		<H3>(Gary turns tv on and exits set)</H3>

	[On TV are the Hands of Mr. Costello, new boss to the boys.

 We will only see his hands]



Mr. C: Good afternoon gentleman, I'm Mr. Costello, the new  owner

 here and executive producer of your program. As  the boss I only

 have one question. What the Hell is  going on here! I thought I was

 buying a horror movie  show hosted by some fat, dead guy. That's genius!

  What I got here is a stick with eyeballs and a  talking head, that's

 crap! Get the fat guy back or  your all fired.



BANDO: How dare you talk to me that way you puny carbon  based lifeform,

 why I oughta...



WOODY: Shut up Bando, Sorry Mr. Costello, but you've obviously been

misinformed about your purchase.  Chester's no longer with the show.

It's us now. And  to be honest, Bando and I found the horror genre to

  be somewhat limiting.



Mr. C: What. What. What am I hearing here. My star is gone.

		  May I ask why?



WOODY: Aahh, let's just say we had "artistic differences."



Mr. C: Artistic differences. Artistic differences. The show  was named

 after him, how can he have artistic  differences?



WOODY: (hesitantly) Well, the thing is...



Mr. C: Stop right there, I'm beginning to hear excuses. I  hate excuses.

 Let me talk to him, I'll make him an  offer he can't refuse.  Where is he?



BANDO: (dead pan) He's dead. I killed him.



WOODY: What?!



BANDO: He no longer served my plans so I got rid of him.



WOODY: You, you, you can't just do that



BANDO: Your laws don't bind me earthling, I operate by my  own code...



	[Woody is aghast]



Mr. C: Heh, heh, I like the way you think there head guy.  What 's your

 name again.



BANDO: My name is Bando, Intergalactic overlord of the (fill  in the

 blank>, conqueror of the (fill in the blank),  all powerful of emissary

 evil, 33rd degree Scottish-  rite Mason, and local Am-Way representative.



Mr. C: Yeah. Okay, Bando. You impress me.  I'm not happy  about losing

 Chester, but I'll give you a shot.  Impress me, and the show stays.

 If you don't, you'll  need to find new jobs.



[Gary comes on, turns off the  TV and wheels it away.]



WOODY: That was not good news.



BANDO: How dare that human talk to me like that on my show.

  Doesn't he realize who I am!? I'll show..



WOODY: Shut up, just shut up. Oh man, this ain't good.  I  gotta

think. Go to a cartoon or something.







WOODY: Welcome back folks, as you can tell we're a little  under the gun

 here at the Bando and Woody show this  week. We've just been given an

 ultimatum



BANDO: I say we kill him.



WOODY: Knock it off Bando, death is not an option on a  family show.



BANDO: Morals will be your downfall human (say human like a  curse)



WOODY: ... this is so not what I was expecting.. er ARGH! I  hate it

 when this happens... I've got this itch in  the middle of my back that

 I can't reach. Bando can  you scratch my back? AHH, this is killing me!



BANDO: (staring at woody) ...



WOODY: (who's turned around waiting) What? What?! What are  you waiting

 for, this is part of the stars job. I...  its written into my contract,

 AND yours, you       disembodied luminescent alien cranium. I get

  reciprocal rights when it comes to certain functions.  This is meant

 to delineate our symbiotic existence.

BANDO: Don't you try to intimidate me with your vocabulary.  I'm

 not a... not a ... whatever your last star was with a second grade

 education. I've conquered  galaxies you pre-born match stick! DON'T

 PISS ME OFF!



WOODY: (sarcastically) Sorry your headfulness, What I was  trying to

 enumerated was: You scratch my back, I'll  scratch yours. I had to

 scratch Chester's malodorous,  pustulant corpse all the time AND in

 places to  grotesque to mention on family television. In return  he

 scratched me on occasion.  There are certain parts  of my body I can't

 reach with my hands. LIKE RIGHT  THERE! (Woody struggles to scratch

 his back) Please  Bando, PLEASE!



BANDO: I can't.



WOODY: WHY THE HELL NOT!



BANDO: First of all, its beneath me. Secondly, I don't have  any hands.



WOODY: Huh?



BANDO: (getting angry) I don't have any hands you pathetic  piece of

 animate cellulose. I can't do any job that  requires any sort of

 manual dexterity. And you want  to know the best part? You can't

 fire me for it. And  if you try I'll have the EEOC in here so fast

 it will make your IRS audit look like a...



WOODY: Like a what?



BANDO: Like... like.. like, I don't know, but it'll be bad.



WOODY: Damn American with Disabilities Act. I never had to

  worry about this when... (sighs) the old days are  over. AND

 my back still itches! Hey you with the  tool belt get down here

 and scratch my back.



VOICE: (off screen) Hey man, sorry but the union won't let  me on camera.



WOODY: DAMN YOUR RULES, scratch my back...



VOICE: Ah, hold on, I gotta check with my steward... (sfx  walking off)



WOODY: ARGHH!!!!



VOICE: (sfx walking back) My steward says if ya want me on  camera,

 I hafta getta SAG card.



WOODY: SAG Card!? SAG Card?! Whatsa SAG Card.



VOICE: Hey stick boy, dems da rules. Ya want me scratch yer  back,

 get me a SAG card.



WOODY: FINE FINE JUST DO IT.



on screen walks our new supporting character, Gary the Grip,

 ASGGBB (American society of Grips, Gaffers, and Best Boys).

 Blue collar to the bone. White t-shirt, low hung jeans, work

 boots, hard hat, tool belt, eating a sandwich.



GARY: T'anks. Ya realize of course that this is gonna cost ya double

 cause I was on my lunch break.



WOODY: JUST DO IT!



Gary goes to scratch woody's back but woody freaks out and faints

 before he can be relieved.



BANDO: HA HA HA HA, taking over this planet will be easier  than

 I thought. Roll the cartoon!



GARY: I'm still gettin' paid right?



Roll Superman Cartoon.

(cartoon ends)



WOODY: Uhhn, where am I? I was having this nightmare...



BANDO: HA HA HA, ooh that Superman. I tell you Woody, you can do a

lot worse than a body like that.



WOODY: Am I inferring what your implying.



BANDO: Must you carry a copy of "The Elements of Style"  around with

 you to intimidate the rest of us. Talk  plain English stick-boy!



WOODY: Never Mind...



BANDO: All I was saying was that if I was to get a body of  my

 own then I would want one like Superman's.  It would make the conquest

 of this planet all the easier.





	(INSERT MORE STUFF HERE IF NEED BE)



Gary rolls out TV for Mr ****



WOODY: Oh no here it comes.



BANDO: If he fires me I'll reduce him to protoplasmic slime.



Mr. C: Bravo, bravo, boys. Good show, good show.  There's  definite

 room for improvement, but overall I think it  will work.



WOODY: Whew!



BANDO: Good Choice human.



Mr. C: My only request is that you put my boy Gary in the  show.

 He'll be my hands on this project.  Besides, I  had to pay his

 SAG fee from the shows budget. We might as well use him.



BANDO: NO! no co-stars with out my approval, he'll be dead  in

 minutes if he show up again!



GARY: Say Mr. Bando, is it true about what they say about  the

 Mason's taking secretly ruling the World and that  Am-Way is

 really their revolutionary activities arm.



BANDO: What?, Who told you...



GARY: If its true, can I join? I need to train under the  best

 if I'm going to take over the family business.



BANDO: Hey. I like this kid. He's on the show. He'll make a

  better sycophant than you Woody.



WOODY: Whatever. I"m gonna go home and smash all my post-

Sgt. Pepper Beatle Albums and drink heavily. Maybe  I'll finally

 wake up from this nightmare.



(Role end credits)