Scene 1:
A black and white exterior shot of Frankenstein's castle during a thunder storm.
Scene 2:
Inside of Bando's lab. Black and white. There is a table with Mecha-Woody covered by a sheet.
Bando: Haa Haa Haa. Yes. My plan is almost complete. Hey! Where's the color?! (color) That's better. Now as I was saying. Haa Haa Haa. Yes. My plan is almost complete. First I replaced Chuck Lee with my mindless clone and nobody noticed. Now with my new creation I can take over the Chester and Woody show; Pug Knows Productions most popular show. Then I brainwash all their viewers. After that it will be only a matter of time before I RULE THE WORLD. Haa Haa Haa.
Close up of covered Mecha-Woody's hand.
Bando: Now rise my creation, rise and conquer. Haa Haa Haa.
ACT 2
Scene 1:
On the set of the Chester and Woody show. Chester is in his usual place, but instead of Woody being on his left, Mecha-Woody is on his right.
Chester and Mecha-Woody: Hi Kids.
Chester: (says something)
MW: That is irrelevant you simple minded biological organism. Your endless prattle has become annoying. It is time we conquered the world!
Chester: Conquer the world? I thought we were going to show the unreleased Fantastic Four movie.
MW: You are wrong! For too long you have merely entertained the viewers. Now we shall subjugate them to our will!
Chester: But what about the movie?
Woody(From off screen): Wait! Stop! He's a fraud!
Chester: I'm no fraud. I am a legitimate host, I even went to school for it.
Woody enters the set from Chester's right. He has a few loops of VHS tape wrapped around him.
Woody: Not you, you simple-minded monkey. I'm talking about him. He jumped me in my dressing room and tied me up with our only copy of the Fantastic Four movie!
Chester: Our only copy? Well what will we show now?
Woody: Have you been sniffing glue again? I was assaulted by that metal-headed maniac! Don't you even wonder what he's up to?
Chester: (turning to MW) Um, what are you up to?
MW: You fool, I'm the real Woody. This fraud is trying to trick you. He's trying to turn us against each other.
Chester (turning to Woody) Um, are you trying to trick me?
Woody: You moron. Can't you even tell which is the real one? He doesn't even look like me!
Chester: (looking back and forth) Well, you both look the same to me. I mean you're both long and thin, two eyes, two arms, no mouth.
Woody: What!? We've been together all these years and you can't even tell me from this evil doppleganger!
MW: Don't listen to him. It is a trick to turn you against me.
Chester: Well I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to tell you apart?
MW: Listen, if I wasn't the real Woody would I do this? (MW bonks Chester on the head).
Chester: Ow! That hurt!
Woody: That doesn't prove anything. I can do that too. (Woody bonks Chester on the head.)
Chester: Hey, knock it off!
MW: Oh yeah? (hits Chester again)
Woody: Yeah (hits Chester)
Chester: Stop that!
Woody and Mecha-Woody proceed to continue to hit Chester on the head until he falls down behind the table.
Woody and MW: Uh-oh.
MW: I think we broke him.
Woody: Nah, he's just unconscious.
MW: Well, I think we should take a commercial break.
Woody and Mecha-Woody turn to the camera.
Woody and MW: We'll be right back.
[Commercial filler]
Act 3
Scene 1:
Chester is back up. He has a black-eye and a bandage around his head. Woody and MW are on each side of him.
Chester: Are we on? I still can't see very well.
Voice off screen: Yeah, we're rolling.
Chester: Hi Kids. I hope you enjoyed the Camels.
MW: I don't think you've fully recovered yet. Are you still hallucinating?
Woody: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
Chester: Fifteen?
Woody: Oh great. He only had five brain cells left and I think we ruined them.
MW: That only makes my plan easier.
Chester: I think I'm seeing double. I see two Woodys.
Woody: No you moron. I've been trying to tell you, he's an imposture.
MW: Lies! I am the true Woody.
Chester: What a mess. I need someone to help me figure out which is the real Woody.
Dr. Y pops in.
Dr. Y: Hello my poppies!
Everyone: Dr. Y!!
Dr. Y: Chester, I think I can help you. I have made improvements on my masterpiece Sargon. I have added an Atari 2600 and a Commodore 64 to his memory banks. Now he is smatter than ever before.
Chester: Wow, that's great Dr. Y.
Dr. Y: Well I must go now. Good luck.
Chester: Well now maybe we can figure this out.
Woody: Your days are numbered you fraud.
MW: When this is over I shall stand triumphant stick boy!
Chester: Now stop it you two before somebody gets hurt again. (turning to Sargon) Chester: Sargon can you help me?
Sargon: Of course, there is no problem that I cannot solve.
MW: Really? Then who shot Kennedy?
Woody: Is Miller less filling or does it taste great?
Chester: Hey you two, some things are better left unknown. Now Sargon, I can I figure out which is the real Woody?
Sargon: That is simple. Ask them both a question that only the real Woody would know.
Chester: Yeah, then what?
Sargon: If it's a question that only the real Woody would know, then whoever gives you the right answer is the real Woody.
Chester: But if only Woody knows the right answer, how will I know if he's telling the truth?
Sargon: Ask him a question that you know the answer to and that only the real Woody would know the answer to.
Chester: Hey, that's a good idea.
Sargon: Of course it is.
Chester: Okay, here it goes. Who's my favorite pin up?
Woody: That's easy.
Mw: Simple.
Both: Bea Arthur!
[Chester asks a few more questions and both Woody and Mecha-Woody know the answers]
Chester: (rubbing his head) This is going to be difficult. Let's go to a commercial while I try to figure this out.
[commercial break]
ACT 4
Scene 1:
Shot from the side of the table. Woody and Mecha-Woody are in the background, we hear them arguing but can't hear the context. Chester is gloomy. Sargon is nearby.
Chester: Oh, how could I have let this happen? I've ignored my Woody for so long I can't even tell him apart from someone else's Woody
Sargon: You are pathetic.
Chester: Sargon, how else can I tell which is my Woody?
Sargon: Well you know, metal is a good conductor of electricity and wood is a good insulator.
Chester: That's great Sargon, but I'm not here for a science lesson. Are you going to help me find the real Woody or not?
Sargon: Aren't you listening. Metal conducts electricity and wood does not.
Chester: Yeah, and if my grandma had wheels she'd be a wagon.
The Woodies come up behind Chester.
Woody: Chester you idiot! He's trying to tell you that if you were to hook us up to a power cord I wouldn't conduct electricity, but the impostor would blow up.
Chester: Wait, I get it now! The real Woody's made of wood. If I hook them both up to a power cord the real woody wouldn't conduct electricity, but the impostor would blow up.
Woody: I couldn't have said it better myself.
Chester: Wait right here. I'll be right back.
Chester dashes off screen. Woody turns to Mecha-Woody.
Woody: There goes a truly brain damaged individual.
Scene 2:
Close up as a clock as the minute hand moves quickly. A few hours pass.
The scene fades back to the set. Woody and Mecha-Woody are playing chess, Sargon has on headphones.
Mecha-Woody: Check Mate. Haa Haa Haa.
Woody: Oohh, you evil son of a toaster. You'll pay for this.
Chester comes back on screen carrying a set of jumper cables and a bucket.
Chester: Alright, I'm back.
Woody: What took you so long?
Chester: They had a "Maude" marathon on Mick at Night.
Mecha-Woody: That figures.
Chester: Okay, lets hook you guys up to the outlet and see which one fries! Yeah!
Suddenly the lights change color on the set. Bando appears on a TV monitor.
Bando: STOP!!
Chester: What is this, the X-Files?
Bando: I'll not let you harm my prize creation. Come Mecha-Woody.
Mecha-Woody fades of screen. He then walks onto the monitor with Bando.
Bando: Curse you Sargon, you've defeated my again. But be warned, there is not enough room on this channel for two talking heads.
Woody: Maybe you should try Congress.
Bando: You haven't heard the last of me.
The monitor fades to black. Chester turns the camera.
Chester: Wow, that was weird. Let's watch a cartoon.
(Cartoon break)
Act 5
Scene 1:
On the set of the Chester and Woody show. The hosts are in their regular spots and Bando is behind them.
Chester: Well, the show's almost over but at least we saved it from a hostile alien take-over.
Woody: Yeah, those foreign investors can be tough to deal with.
Chester: Sargon, what was that that Bando said about you defeating him again? When did you defeat him before?
Sargon: Well, it was back in the summer of '85. Reagan was in his second term and...
Static starts to appear on the screen.
Chester: Hey what's going on?
Static now fills the screen. It clears up and we see a black screen with the title "The Bando and Mecha-Woody Show". The screen fades away and we see Bando and Mecha-Woody.
Bando: Greetings Earthers. Welcome to a half hour of entertainment and brain washing.
Mecha-Woody: What's on line for today's show?
Bando: Well, I...
Closing credits appear on the screen.
Bando: Damn, we ran out of time. Be sure to tune in next week when we will take over your minds and subject your wills.
Mecha-Woody: Bye kids.
FIN