Opening Scene:          Woody is sitting, reading a stuffy art book, like
Jackson Pollack, an Artist Apart (or some crap).  Background music is
Pachelbel's Canon.  Chester bursts onto the scene clutching a copy of Boy's
Life magazine.

CHESTER:        Woody!  Look!  I'm going to be a professional artist!

Close up of advertisement, showing "Draw Gimlet the Chimp, and you could
win a $1000.00 scholarship to the Elvis on Velvet College of the Fine
Arts!"

VOICE-OVER OF CHESTER:  All I have to do is draw Gimlet the Chimp, and my
future as a world renowned, and RICH artist is practically in the bag!

WOODY:  (looking over his reading glasses at Chester)   You call that dreck
art?  I've seen more inventive art on the walls of bathroom stalls.  Here,
take a look at this.  This is art!

Close-up of "Modern Art" painting that looks like a pool of vomit.

CHESTER:        Well, say what you want, but I'm going to be a famous
artist, like the guy who draws the "Love Is" comics.

Quick shot of a "Love is..." comic, accompanied by snippet of stupid music.

WOODY:  I tell you what, Mr. famous artist.  We'll have a contest to see
who the better artist is, me or you.

CHESTER:        Well, who's going to be the judge?

WOODY:  I'll name one judge, and you, my slightly impaired friend, can name
the other one.

CHESTER:        It's a deal!  I name your girlfriend, Louisa V. Slugger.
She's a level headed bat.

WOODY:  Aren't you worried she'll be partial to me?

CHESTER:        Are we talking about the same bat?

WOODY:  O.K. O.K!  Then I name our friend Timmy the Tapeworm.  He's an
intellectual,  so he's bound to prefer my art to yours.

CHESTER:        What if there's a tie?

WOODY:  Then we'll get Bando, the Galactic Conqueror, to be the
tie-breaker.  Agreed?

CHESTER:        Uh, yeah, O.K. I guess.
                (then to camera)  I have a bad feeling about this.  Why
don't you folks                         enjoy this ARTISTIC movie trailer
from the good old days, while                         Woody and I get to
work.

Cut to trailer of Bloody Pit of Horror, or something equivalent.

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Scene 2:        Open with close-up of an ugly, abstract painting with a
picture of a chicken in the middle.  Pan out to medium shot as Chester and
Woody arrive.

WOODY:  Alright, my artistically-challenged compadre, prepare for some art
with meaning.  My name is Woody!  Look upon my works and despair.

CHESTER:        (Looking at painting)  Huh.

WOODY:  Overwhelmed, aren't you.  I call it Relativistic Deconstruction
One, with chicken.

CHESTER:        It looks like some one should have changed the papers in
the chicken's cage.

WOODY:  You Idiot!  This is a study in the post-modern devaluation of
nature in our society.  It practically screams with suppressed rage!  Are
you telling me you don't feel its power?

CHESTER:        Huh?  Here, let me show you what I did.  It's called Bea
Arthur, Eternal Goddess.  (Chester pulls out a large canvas containing a
picture of Bea Arthur surrounded by hearts and kisses)  She's my spirit
beast.

WOODY:  That's your idea of Art?  I've seen more meaningful social
commentary on MTV's "Singled Out".

CHESTER:        Well I don't care what you think.  You're just an
implement, like a shovel. We'll take this to the judges.  In the mean time,
you folks enjoy this trailer from the days of Annette Funicello and cheap
gas.

Cut to trailer for Beach Girls and the Monster

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Scene 3:        Again, the scene begins with a close-up of Woody's hideous
painting.  We pan out to reveal Woody, Chester, and Louisa V. Slugger,
Woody's girlfriend.

LOUISA: Well, I do agree that the rage is implicit, but the deconstruction
of relativism through the chicken representation was already addressed
eloquently by Radner et al in 1978.  Admittedly, the medium is static
rather than kinetic, imparting a more fixed negativism, but I'm afraid that
over-all (close-up of Chester's painting) I have to choose Chester's Bea
Arthur homage;  it seems to impart a more sincere visage, almost
Warhol-esque in its triviality.

CHESTER:        Huh?

WOODY:  She likes yours better, idiot!

CHESTER:        Oh, I knew it all the time.

WOODY:  OK, what about you Timmy?  I suppose you'll worship Bea Arthur as a
god.  Its all so typical.

TIMMY:  Stay cool, boy!  Got a rocket in your pocket?  I'm not hip to this
she-cat.  She's too mass media for this worm.  But that chicken thing, it
makes me hungry!  The whole egg head trip leaves me dry, but I can groove
to that dinner.

CHESTER:        Looks like you got a vote that time Woody.

WOODY:  I guess beggars can't be choosers.

(Impressive sound effect, like rolling thunder, followed by a farting
sound.  Bando appears.)

BANDO:  Stay tuned prisoners!  Enjoy this tepid example of your worthless
throw-away culture.  When we return, I, Bando the merciless, will enslave-
I mean, I will break this tie, and my minions will feast on the steaming
carcass of the loser.   HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Cut to any trailer we want, or a Superman cartoon.

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Scene 4:  Same group as before, with both paintings in the background.

CHESTER:        Oh my gosh!  Look, it must be Bando!

BANDO:  You mean His Highness!  Bando, conqueror of the known universe.  He
who tramples the weak, lesser beings of the galaxy.  Lord Bando, immortal
tyrant of the fifth circle, from whom all wisdom flows, and to whom all
tribute is given!

CHESTER:        Yeah, I guess.

WOODY:  And people say I have an ego problem.

TIMMY:  So alien cat, how do you see it?

BANDO:  I, Bando, see nothing!  A group of slavering beasts, deluded into
believing a thing of beauty can be tossed up from the filthy maw of a dog!

(Brief close-up of Woody, followed by a close view of his painting)

The first piece of refuse is a poorly-executed rendering of the flag of
Zontar, a race of miserable and gutless beings that I enslaved in painful
torment in the third millennium.  The original was a useless image created
by fools, and this image is more worthless still.

(Brief close-up of Chester, followed by a view of his painting)

The second is a beast's image of another beast.  Although coarse, it has a
certain primitive aspect that I find mildly amusing...................
although only mildly.

CHESTER:        I win!  I'm going to be a famous, and RICH, professional
artist, and nobody can stop me!

BANDO:  Revel in your pitiful victory slave!  The day your torment begins
will be soon enough!  (Bando vanishes).

CHESTER:        Well, that's all folks!

WOODY:  This is all so typically unfair.  I am a poet, casting pearls
before swine.  A lone voice crying in the wilderness.  Will I ever be
heard?!

Roll end credits