SCENE 1:

Setting:        Chester is sitting in front of a monitor.  The lights are
turned down.  It is obvious that Chester has been up for hours, or perhaps
days.  He looks dazed, and his eyes are glazed over.

Woody:  Chester!  Just how long have you been on your Star Trek marathon
now, anyway?

Chester:        Well, I'm into hour 36, Commander.  I have to stay up.  I
don't know when the station will end it!

Woody:  Why didn't you just tape it?  Then you could watch it whenever you
want to.

Chester:        You're not talking about setting the VCR are you?  Besides,
what if they ran out of security guards?  They might need me in a hurry!

Woody:  Listen Chester, you can't live your life vicariously through an
ensemble of fictitious characters.

Chester:        You're right!  I should be out exploring the cosmos,
phasering klingons, and seducing green-skinned alien women myself!

Woody:  There's the spirit!  If you want to take your obsession to a new
pathetic level, I'm behind you one hundred percent.  But be careful with
the green women.

Chester:        And how!  But how can I really experience the adventure?
Do you think I'll be able to make it to the 23rd century?

Woody:  Probably not, but I have a better idea.  I was talking to Dr. Y
yesterday, and he happened to mention his new digital interactive
interface.  It's quite impressive.

Chester:        Is that like Intellivision?

Woody:  Even better, my 8-track-flash-backing friend.  Although, his best
program so far has been Virtua Maude.

(Chester gasps)

Woody:  But I'm sure he could create a whole virtual Star Trek universe
within the very synapses of even your brain.

Chester:        Great!  Lets beam Dr. Y to the bridge at once!  I mean,
Make it so!

(Close-up of Woody shaking his head)



SCENE 2:

Setting:  Same as before, but now Dr. Y is there putting a strange helmet
on Chester's head.  Woody is already wearing a strange "Virtual Reality"
type helmet.

Chester:        Thanks Dr. Y.  This is going to be even better than The
Lawnmower Man!

Woody:  If it isn't, than this will probably be our last season on PACT!

Chester:        Maybe Fox will pick us up.

Woody:  Don't count on it.  This show is too highbrow for them.

Dr. Y:          O.K. my little baby poppets!  Here it goes!

(Suddenly, static fills the screen, only to be replaced by a new scene.
Chester and Woody are now blue-screened in front of the bridge of the old
USS Enterprise.  Chester is dressed in the uniform of Captain Kirk, while
Woody is dressed as Yeoman Rand, complete with bee-hive hair.  Both Chester
and Woody look around in amazement.)

Chester:        Well Woody, I was about to ask when I was going to get to
see some fine Yeowomen in short skirts, but it looks as if your it!

(Woody looks down, as if checking himself, then abruptly faces the camera.)

Woody:  Dr. Y, Help!

(Again the screen fills with static, then abruptly clears.  Woody is now
dressed as Mr. Spock.)

Woody (Close-up):         Talk about your time-space anomalies!  (Pauses)
O.K. Chester, I'm ready now to seek out new life, new civilizations...

Chester (with evil look):               Yeah, boldly going where no man....

Woody:  Chester, take your libido off-line for a minute, would you?

Chester:        Well, you can go on your peaceful,
diplomatic...exploration... or whatever.  I'm just going to sit back and
wait for the extra-terrestrial trollops to come my way.

Woody:  You'd better strap yourself in there Chester.  I think that Captain
Kirk get-up your wearing is emitting subatomic testosterone tachyons or
something.

Chester:        What do you mean?  The guy at the store said a dab of this
cologne was as good as a shower.

(Woody appears to not be paying attention to Chester anymore)

Woody:  You know, I've scanned this entire sector and there is absolutely
nothing going on.  No planets, starships, gaseous anomalies...nothing!
Just empty space.

Chester:        This program sucks!  It's too quiet.

Chester and Woody:      Way too quiet...

(dramatic pause..., then change of scene.  We now see Bando, back at the
castle, messing around with the virtual reality equipment.  Chester and
Woody stand there in their helmets in a trance-like state, unaware of
Bando's presence.  Bando hooks up a lead from the machine to his own head.
He then begins to laugh uncontrollably, in typical Bando fashion.)



SCENE 3:

Setting:        We are back inside the Enterprise with Chester and Woody.

Woody:  Whoa!  I'm reading something now...dead ahead!

Chester:        On screen!

(On the viewer is a small speck of light)

Chester:        Magnify.

(Bando now fills the screen, but it is such an extreme close-up that it is
impossible to tell what we are looking at.)

C and W:  Aagh!  What's that?!

Chester:        I just hope it isn't some omnipotent intergalactic
prankster who has it out for us!

(The bridge fills with raucous Bando laughter.  C and W look around, as if
unable to tell where it is coming from.  Bando then appears on the
viewscreen in all his glorious evilness.)

Bando:  You are right, Chester!  It is I, Bando...Supreme Uberlord of
Transdimensional Space!

Woody:  Yeah, we know, now we're supposed to prostate ourselves...

Bando:  O.K., I'll dispense with the formalities...but start prostrating!

Woody:  Is this some sort of test that Supreme Beings conduct on lower
forms of sentient life such as ourselves?

Bando:  No!, because I already know what you would do.  Risk your own life
for another, give your life to save the ship...Blah, Blah, Blah!  Such
blatant self-sacrifice turns my non-existent stomach.  That is why you must
die!  Oh yes, (matter of factly) you will die.

Chester:        Not this time, Bando.  I'm commanding a federation
starship, loaded to the hilt with state-of-the-art weaponry.  Have I
mentioned our new Corbonite defense system?  It appears, Bando...(Now
sounding a lot like Kirk)...this time...we...have...you!

Woody:  Sorry to burst your bubble, Captain, but it appears all of our
weapons are off line.

(We are now given an external shot of the ship.  It is dwarfed by the
mammoth Bando.  Over this image we hear Chester:)

Chester:        It's the Kobayashi Maru, the no win scenario!

Bando (on viewscreen):  Now I will be gracious, and grant each of you two
of your pathetic earth time-chunks known as minutes, to pray to whatever
deity or deities you choose before meeting your imminent, and rather
spectacular, doom.

(Chester immediately starts praying for his soul)

(Cut to graphic:  "The Chester and Woody Show does not promote any
particular religion, sect, or cult.")

(Back to the bridge.  Chester is now off of his knees.)

Woody (calm):   Perhaps instead of praying for our souls, we should try to
determine a logical course of action...TO GET US OUT OF THIS!

Chester:        O.K....We're doomed!!

Woody:  Is that how a star fleet officer should act?

(Chester gets a hold of himself)

Chester:        O.K.  Now this Virtual Reality program exists in our minds,
right?

Woody:  Right.

Chester:        What if we just used our combined mental powers to create a
photon?

Woody:  Mental powers!  That's problematical at best.

Chester:        Now come on, Woody!  Have faith.  Just put your trust in
Chester.

Woody:  Yeah, that sounds like a great idea...

(Chester and Woody now begin chanting:  "Mecka-lecka high, Mecka hidy ho!")

Bando:  Guess who's back!  And guess who's out of time!

(Chester and Woody look at each other, signalling their next action)

Bando:  One last time, just for nostalgia's sake, bow down before my
infinite majest-

Chester (close-up):     FIRE!

Bando:  Inconceivab-  (Bando is seen exploding in the viewscreen)

(We now return to a view of the castle, where C and W can be seen removing
their helmets.  Chester is drenched in sweat.  Smoke, or some other
evidence of Bando's destruction is in the air.)

Chester:        Boy, am I glad that's over.

Bando (voice-over, with echo):  You may have escaped this time, but don't
be too smug.  The Bando collective lives on!

(Bando laughter ends the scene)