NONOBADSTORY! Number One - Akida the Elephant

8.1.2002

Once upon a time, there was an elephant named Akida. Akida was a pizza-loving, popcorn addicted elephant. She loved pizza so much that she decided to open a pizzaria in her village. So, one day, she walks into a bank ...
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... and noticing a gumball machine by the door decides to purchase a gumball. She reaches into her elephantine purse (hand loomed and embroidered) and brings fourth a shiny copper ...
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... ancient Roman coin she bought on ebay. She tried to insert it into the gumball machine, but alas, it was too big, so she dug through her hand loomed and embroidered elephantine purse and found a quarter. She put it in, and turned the knob and a gumball rolled down the spiral ramp towards the exit ... but halfway down it stopped cold, for no apparent reason. Akida thought this was odd, and pondered why something like that would happen to her, especially at a time of dire need of the sugary sweetness of a jumbo gumball.

Just then, she heard a low raspy voice: "Gumballs aren't for elephants, they are miiiiinnnneee, all miiiinnnnnnneeeee." She turned around and saw an odd goat-like lizard wearing what appeared to be a wizard robe and hat, an odd sight in a bank, but especially on a Thursday. She opened her mouth and said, ...
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... "You may have the gumball! I was hoping for a black anise flavored one and clearly that one is 'red flavored'." she stated as she snootily turned up her trunk. The appearance of a Schploketish caused Akida much consternation as after all, it was a Thursday, and they never made appearances in public on Thursdays. She fumbled around in her purse for another coin and hoped that the next try would yield her favorite flavor! It wasn't hard to find another quarter as she kept all her coins handily between her collection of belly button fuzz and dryer lint. "Aha!", she exclaimed. "Another quarter!" ...and promptly inserted it into the gumball machine. Out rolled a prized black gumball! "My lucky day!", she murmered to herself. Indeed! Had it not been for the appearance of the Schploketish she would never have been so lucky to get a prized black gumball. She quickly popped it into her mouth and began to chew. "Hmmm, a Schplok on a Thursday... what could it mean... hmmm..." She then proceeds to take a small dogeared notepad out of her purse and make a note to herself: -Have a gumball machine installed in the pizza parlor.-
This portion written by Jevan Andersen

8.2.2002

... The pizza parlor! She had almost forgotten her purpose, having been disctracted by the Schploketish and the lovely anise-flavored gumball. She heads over to the loan department of the bank. The loan officer looks quite frazzled and she wonders if today might be a bad day for an elephant to ask for a rather large loan. She reconsiders, and heads out the door to the bank, and almost bumps into a small child and her rather dapper-looking older relative.

"Grampa! Lookee! A dancing elephant!"

Akida looked around to see the dancing elephant, but quickly realized the child was referring to her.

The child insisted she do a dance for her, but Akida hesitated, having not been trained in the fine art of dancing, she didn't want to embarass herself.

But her reservations were quickly dissolved when the dapper old man accompanying the child held out a rather large wad of high-denomination bills and waved them under her trunk.

"I'll bet you could buy a shipload of peanuts with these, right, packy?"

Akida hated being called "packy", but she resisted protesting and happily said, "Why, yes, indeed! I just love peanuts, and would happy to dance for you both!" to which she did a rather clumsy albeit amusing hula dance.

The child was delighted and the old man was amused, and somewhat surprised at the dancing and talking elephant.

"Well, indeed, you are a talented pachyderm!," he said as he grabbed the child and hurried inside the bank.

"Wow! What a fortuitous turn of events! I'll bet there's enough money here to buy not only a pizza parlor and a jumbo-size extra-capacity gumball machine but also a ..."
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"... super duper, hot double butter, movie theater style, automatic, self cleaning, popcorn machine, with an insta-salt option, LED readout and digital controls!" Akida could hardly contain herself (literally), and quickly stuffed the cash and hula skirt into her purse. Suddenly a flash of guilt fell over Akida and she felt perhaps she should return the cash to the fine gentleman. You see, the last time Akida danced was several years ago, when, addicted to cashews and quite unable to financially sustain her habit, she was forced to perform lap dances for frustrated patrons of a local 'club'. Being an intelligent elephant however, she supressed the guilt and proceeded happily on her way tightly clasping her hand loomed purse, stuffed with cash, to her side.

"I think now, I should like a nice meal. It's not often that I dance en pointe and I feel quite famished", she thought to herself. And there, on the side of the street just a block or two in front of her she noticed a...
This portion written by Jevan Andersen

8.3.2002

... submarine sandwich store, and got an immediate craving for a sandwich. She ran inside and up to the counter. "One large turkey bacon on jalapeno, please, hold the mayo, I don't wanna get fat."

The clerk, who looked as if she'd been partaking of something other than sandwiches, made the sandwich perfectly, and Akida sat down by the window and munched happily.

Akida glanced out the window, and briefly saw what she thought was the Schploketish. "Oh, no, he's found me!," she cried. She quickly moved to the back of the restaurant, hoping the Schplok wouldn't see her, but it was too late ... he ran to the door of the restaurant, toward the back towards Akida and ...
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8.4.2002

... darted into the restroom. Within moments Akida heard the Schplok make several loud retching noises and knew exactly what had happened. You see, Schploks tend to have quite delicate stomachs and Akida knew that that red gumball was just too much for his stomach to handle. "Silly Schplok!", she thought to herself. Fear of having the Schplok come out of the restroom with an empty stomach prompted Akida to wolf down her sandwich and quickly leave the establishment. Moving rather swiftly, Akida took several less used streets and alleyways in an effort to get the Schplok off her trail. Upon crossing the railroad tracks and arriving in the good side of town Akida felt much safer and began to slow back to a normal pace. Feeling quite cheeful (after all, fate had truly smiled upon her this day) she reached into her purse, pulled out an elephant sized yo-yo and began yo-yo-ing as she continued on her way to the ...
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8.5.2002

... small business association. She was in desperate need of advice on how to go about opening her own pizzaria, as she had no clue about how to run a business, but she knew she definitely did *not* want it run like that horrible circus she used to work for.

The circus! Wow, she hadn't thought about it in years, and she had almost forgotten about it, which is quite a feat seeing as elephants never forget anything. The only thing she missed about the circus were the fresh roasted peanuts, in fact, it had been the smell of roasted peanuts just outside her tent that had largely contributed to her addiction. Distracted by her thoughts, she wandered the street aimlessly, reminiscing about her life and her past, until she could stand it no more and had to sit down. She found a soft patch of grass under a tree and began sobbing hysterically.

An intoxicated man under the next tree was awakened by her loud sobbing and looked over, rubbed his eyes, and muttered something about pink elephants before he promptly lost conciousness. Akida expected him to start asking her embarassing questions but was relieved when he passed out. "Well, I guess I am not in such bad shape afterall," she quipped.

She headed down the street and into the SBA office and ...
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... entered the building boldly, knowing full well it was filled with bureaucrats, three hundred page pamphlets, and a waiting room with most uncomfortable chairs designed for derrières much more compact than hers. Noticing the sign "Now serving number 86." she took a number. Number 243! She sighed heavily and took a seat and prepared for a very long wait. And she waited... and waited... and waited... "Now serving number 88." And she waited, and waited, and waited again until...
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... she fell asleep and began to dream about ...

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8.7.2002

... dancing llamas and elves, oh my! The elf part was what woke her up.

"Why am I dreaming about elves? I hate elves!," she said.

Just then, she noticed they were serving #242. "Oh, I'm next!," she yelped.

She waited patiently for her turn, and after about 22 minutes (thereabouts), a clerk called out "Number 243!?" and Akida jumped up as fast as an elephant can, and ran over, as fast as an elephant can, to the clerk and said ...
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... "Should I go to the restroom now? ... or later? ... or on the floor (like she became quite accustomed to doing at the circus)? Where is the restroom? Do I talk you now or after I go?", she spat out, just as fast as an elephant can. "I'm sorry Madam, if you leave your place in line you'll have to take another number. You should have gone to the restroom before coming to the help desk, she said as she gestured to the sign over her head which clearly read "Go to the bathroom before being served! Thank you! Employees must wash their hands!" "Very well then!", she said pitifully, "I shall attempt to hold it and go later." The clerk brusquely replied: "How may I help you?" To which Akida brusquely responded, while she discretely crossed her legs tightly, "I was going to ask you nearly the same question! How MAY you help me? You see I know very little about what services you offer and although I can read and am able to drive, and play billiards quite well, I know very little about the services the Small Business Association can help me with." At which point, you guessed it, the inevetable happened and she ...
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8.8.2002

... she simply HAD TO GO! She ran to the restroom, through the door, and toward the nearest available stall and saw the Schploketish heading into it. "NOOOOooooo!!!!!," she screamed, and pushed him out of the way and locked the stall door behind her. She took care of business, then attempted to open the stall door, but it seemed to be stuck. She figured the Schplok must be holding it shut from the other side. "I always knew co-ed restrooms were a bad idea," she muttered.

Now, if she had been a svelte rabbit or something, she could simply have slithered under the door, but unfortunately she was a rather rotund elephant, so all hope appeared lost.

"What do you want?," she asked the Schplok in her sweet-yet-firm-motherly-elephant voice.

"IIIIIIII want your GUMMMMMMMMBAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL," he said with a lispy hiss.

Akida pondered for a moment, knowing full well she no longer had the gumball. But she also knew that Schploks were very near-sighted and often too vain to wear glasses, so she came up with a brilliant idea. She quickly rummaged through her purse for a suitable gumball substitute, but the only thing she could find was a slightly fuzzy and very stale Flaming Hot Cheetos Asteroid. "Well, I don't think this will do, it's red, and the gumball that made the Schplok sick was red, I think he'll remember," she whispered to herself. She did the only thing she could think of ... she licked all the flaming hot coating off the Cheeto until it appeared an orangey color. "There!," she gloated.

"Mr. Schpok, I have a lovely orange gumball here for you would you like it?," she asked sweetly.

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHH YEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! ORANGGGGE is my FAAAAAAAAAAVVVOOORRITE!!," he said.

She handed the still slightly wet and somewhat sticky "gumball" under the stall door.

The Schplok grabbed it and ...
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... quite quickly, Akida stood tippy-toe atop the toilet stool, pulled in her head, trunk, and legs into a tight ball. Indeed! She was forming herself into a bowling ball and was going to bowl herself out the stall door and back into the SBA lobby. She knew she would find refuge from the Schplok there (hopefully). There! She was in a tight ball! And then, slipping her fingers into the bowling ball holes, she wound up! ...and ...bowled herself out through the stall door, right OVER the unwitting Schplok, knocking him to the floor senseless, through the bathroom door and back (safely) into the SBA lobby. She looked at the stern clerk who was eyeballing her with fire in her eyes. Sadly, she took a number and sat down, resumed her nap, and began to dream about...
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8.9.2002

... dancing llamas and elves, again! This time she didn't wake up, despite her aversion to elves.

She stayed asleep for what seemed a very long time, until it got dark outside and the SBA security guard starting shooing people out the door. He noticed the rather large grey lump humped over in a chair in the corner of the office. "Hmmm ... one of those homeless people must have left one of their garbage bags full of stuff in here," he muttered and walked over to move it outside. He attempted to pick it up but realized that it wasn't a garbage bag but rather a very large pacyderm. He tried to wake it up, but was unable. "Oh, no, just what I need, a dead elephant to keep me here all night," he whined.

Just then, the dead elephant woke up, excused herself, and quietly walked out the door onto the dark, lonely streets.

Akida began to wonder if perhaps the SBA was unfit to help her, so she decided to try another approach in the morning, but right now, despite her lengthy nap, she was exhausted, so she began to look for a motel for the night. She meandered over to the main street, since the side streets in this neighborhood were not safe at night. Just then, it began to rain, which added an ethereal yet lonely quality to the neighborhood, making it shine like newly-polished silver, despite its run-down facade.

After a bit, she found a motel, and asked the clerk for a room with a king size bed for the night. The clerk abided.

Akida went to her room, and after engaging in much-needed hygiene practices, retired for the night. This time, she didn't dream of elves, thankfully, although the llamas were still there, but that was ok, she rather liked llama dreams, you see, because one of her dearest friends from the circus, the one who had helped her escape, was a llama.

The next morning Akida awoke and decided to ...
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... let the in-room whirlpool fill with nice warm water while she quickly went around the corner to pick up some breakfast at McDonalds. She figured by the time she got back she'd be able to hop (well, not hop, that would be dangerous),... gingerly step into the tub and enjoy a nice relaxing bath. That's exactly what she did too! Upon arriving back to her room with her twenty-eight "Sausage McMuffins with Egg" and six "Big Breakfasts" she measured out some "Bubble Magic" and added it to her tub. "Divine! Absolutely divine!", she thought to herself as she stepped in. She munched and soaked and munched and soaked some more. "I wonder what the poor people are doing.", she mused to herself. After finishing her rather spartan breakfast she found the whirlpool switch and flipped it on. She slouched down a bit in the tub and let herself have one of those Calgon moments. Twenty-three minutes and sixteen seconds later she arose from the tub. A refreshed, relaxed, satiated, and utterly clean elephant. "Such a grand start to the day! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I feel completely rejuvenated!" She dryed herself off with the extra large towels supplied specially for her by the concierge (who received a hefty tip). She pulled out the extra change of clothing she always kept in her purse for emergencies and prepared to put them on. She fastened the clasps on her Multi-Bra, pulled on her Choco-Cat panties and girdle, put on her overclothing and she was ready to go (elephants don't wear shoes). She really wanted to complete the process of complete relaxation and had something special planned for herself. Leaving her room key on the top of the digital television and plucking one of the artificial flowers from the in-room bouquet for her hair she stepped out into the world. First stop: A wine store for some fancy high priced wine that would impress even the Bush Twins (and their father) that had a hint of lemon and pear. Second stop: A 7/11 for some Funyums. Third Stop: Bumbernickle Park. She spread herself, erm, I mean her blanket on the ground and sat down and began to enjoy the warm sunshine and bubbly wine. It was heavenly! "After I finish this wine and bag of Funyums I think I should like to tiptoe thru the tulips!", she thought. You see, elephants are extremely good at tiptoeing and enjoy it quite immensely. ...and that's exactly what she did. Properly disposing of her wine bottle and empty Funyums package she packed up her blanket and headed over to the "Grand Gardens of Bumbernickle Park". She found a tulip and daffodil patch and then, after furtively looking about, began to tiptoe. She began rather shyly and discreetly but within a few minutes she was tiptoeing at a feverish pace! Red tulips! Yellow tulips! Daffodils! Narcissus! Again! Again! Spinning gleefully! Tiptoing right! Tiptoeing left! Up! Down! Around! Anyone watching her would have thought she would expire from exhaustion or a heart attack but on she continued! Quite a display for the passersby I can assure you. Then, as quickly as she started, she began to reduce the pace of her spins, twirls, and hops. Once again tiptoeing gently... gently... and then... she stopped completely and froze into a pose quite similar to Rodin's "The Thinker". You see, this was the meditative phase of the ritual. Rejuvenation! Refreshment! Breath in! Breath out!...
This portion written by Jevan Andersen

8.11.2002

... Just then she heard an odd scratching sound nearby, distracting her from her meditative ritual. She tried hard to ignore it but couldn't. She glanced to the south-east from whence the sound came and saw a group of Schploketishes, one of whom was scratching at the ground apparently trying to smooth the ground of lumps so their picnic blanket could be placed.

"Good grief!," thought Akida, "that's just not what I need right now!"

She began to walk away but one of the Schploketishes saw her and ran swiftly toward her. This was not the same Schplok whom she had experience with, this was a small one, probably a child one.

Just before the little Schplok got to her, Akida feigned a fainting spell and ...

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8.15.2002

... fell, with her enourmous weight, directly on top of the little Schplok. With a pang of guilt, she quickly got up before suffocating the poor little creature. Brushing herself off she quickly apologized to the small lizard (ignoring its foul smell) and spun around on one of her delicate feet and proceeded away from the area. The small Schplok quickly ran back to his parents and began to cry. The parents calmly consoled their child and agreed between themselves that such behaviour was *typical* of one of those darned packeys. Akida meanwhile, was quickly making good time away from the site of the event and was becoming out of breath from all her running. She sat down to take a breather! That's when she noticed it... The area of purple and blue with an iridescent glowing core of orange and yellow. The pain was mounting now. And there, in the center of the core was a spine. A small spine from the infant Schplok had embedded itself into Akida's thigh. Now, Akida knew that this was not a good thing. Not good at all. Schplok spines had been rumored to cause blindness, hairy palms, mental retardation, invisibility, and...
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... an intense craving for legumes. This terrified Akida, as she had been fighting a peanut (and cashew) addiction problem for sometime, and the idea of craving them sent her mind into an uncontrollable spin. She grabbed at the spine delicately with her humongous elephant paws and yanked, but alas, it broke off, very near her tough elephantine epidermis. "Oh, no!," cried Akida. She started to feel dizzy and wondered if that was a sign of the toxin or a sign of the enormous stress she was experiencing. She sat down on the ground while she pondered what to do about her unfortunate situation. Just then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small creature with a bright red hat and a long white beard. She shook her head, as she was convinced she must be imagining it, but no, it wandered toward her. She could see clearly now it was a small lawn gnome, but it seemed alive. And it had with it a tiny llama! "Goodness!," thought Akida, "I must be having some very strange hallucinations from the Schplok spine," she mused. The lawn gnome, whose name was Edwin, introduced himself and his pet llama Fred and explained that he had been recently appointed Head of Herbatology at the Institute of Lost Arts and Wisdom, Inc. and that he could help her with her Schplok spine situation.

Akida was very grateful, yet a bit dubious, still not wholly convinced this was real. "Well, ok," she said. The gnome pulled out of his hat his herbal medical kit and his ...
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Magical Tornado in a Bottle™. He opened the bottle and out came a giant tornado which swept Akida off her feet into the land of nevermore. "Well, that's the end of that," said the gnome as he plucked a sachel of Etherea Root from his medicine bag, and stuck a pinch under his tongue and happily wandered away down the road for another adventure.
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