The Wisdom of my Buddy,

The Right Reverent Deacon Doug 

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"Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining."

Directed at me by Doug during a staff meeting argument at US Steel’s Texas Works about the true extent of the backlog in Heat Treat, a facility that Doug ran…

"You lie like a tombstone."

Said by Doug to me in assessment of the validity of my heat treat production statistics…

"If’n I tell you a ant can tote a bale of hay, then you better hunt a harness"

Said by Doug to reassure me the Heat Treat backlog would indeed be cleaned up promptly…

"I’m gonna beat you senseless and tell God you was drug by a horse."

Addressed to me by Doug in a very angry voice back in my office immediately after said staff meeting since Doug believed I had unjustly accused him in front of the boss…

"You’re so sorry you'd steal a widow woman’s dog."

Said by Doug to describe his perspective on my character following said staff meeting exchange…

"Even a dog knows the difference ‘tween being stumbled over and kicked"

Doug’s response to my assertion that I had not intended to offend or embarrass him but only identify means of solving the Heat Treat problem...

"Son, you so low when you die you gonna have to rise up to find hell."

"It’s time to piss on the campfire and call the dogs."

Told to me by Doug immediately following the announcement of the closing of US Steel’s Texas Works where we were both employed but apparently soon to be out of work…

"They loved Jesus too but it didn’t stop ’em from nailing him to the cross."

Doug’s explanation for how my long time boss and, I thought, friend, Terry, could tell me "I love you, man" after dumping me from my sales manager’s job.

"I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m better once than I ever was."

Overheard during a conversation between Doug and a sweet young thing regarding the merits of older men...

"’minds me of two piglets in a burlap bag I toted to town for daddy one time."

Doug’s description of a young lady of ample chest as she ran across the front lawn...

"That boy’s done been saucered and blowed."

Doug’s pronouncement that our friend George, a fellow salesman and lifelong womanizer, had met the love of his life and was primed for marriage… Refers to the practice of pouring coffee into your saucer and blowing across the surface to cool it.

"I ain’t a gonna told you many more agains, sit down and do ‘haive."

Said to our buddy, George, during a particularly long evening in some bar somewhere…

translation - "I’m not going to tell you again to behave"

"That boy’s slipperier than deer guts on a doorknob."

Said to me by Doug about George while observing his moves on the ladies earlier that same evening…

"He’s more confused than a turtle on the center stripe."

Spoken that evening regarding George’s indecision as to which of two lovely young ladies most attracted him…

"Go for the ugly early and you’ll never go home alone."

Told to George later that same evening as George bemoaned going home alone after having chosen wrongly…

Don't complain, don't explain, and for sure, don't ever confess!"

Doug's life advise to George when George felt compelled to tell Allison, his True Love, of his recent indiscretions.

"He’s walking on quicksand crossing hell."   

Doug’s comment as to George’s chances of entering heaven given his behavior on that & other evenings...

"Women have to be more beautiful than smart, cause men see better than they think"

Doug's wife Carol's insight into the nature of relationships, particularly theirs...