| How
Are We Doing?
If
you asked Jeff and Angie about the strong point in their ten-year
marriage, both would be quick to agree, it’s communication. This
did not come about naturally for they came from two families that
communicated—or failed to communicate—in differing manners. Jeff
came from a family of “stuffers.” Their feelings, conflicts, and
opinions were kept silent and hidden. This resulted in a quiet home,
but you could cut the tension with a knife.
Angie
on the other hand, came from a family of “talkers,” you might even
say “yellers.” No topic was off limits, no feeling was squelched,
and if there was nothing to fight about, they would manufacture
areas of conflict. Angie’s family lived with the continual tension
and noise of unresolved issues.
In preparation for their marriage, Jeff
and Angie worked through an excellent book, “Getting Ready for Marriage
Workbook.”* The book helped them to recognize the differences in
their families. Together they resolved to build positive communication
skills in their marriage. Their commitment led them to establish
what they call: “How are we doing night.”
On the 21st of each month they plan a relaxed
time to come together to discuss any issues that arise over time.
With pencils and notebooks available, they give each other the freedom
to safely share hopes, feelings, desires, disappointments, and suggestions.
The pattern they have developed goes something like this: affirm,
inform, confirm and reform.
Affirm—Angie might start by giving Jeff
affirmation. She will list specific things she appreciates about
Jeff. For example, “I’ve noticed that you’ve really tried to get
home for dinner on time. The one time you had to be late, you called
to let me know. That makes it so much easier for me to plan. I really
appreciate your efforts.”
Inform—From there she is free to share information
about any problems or issues she may have with how things are going.
“You know Jeff, I enjoy having people over for dinner, but I like
to have a bit of advance notice. When you invited your boss to dinner
and just showed up with him, I felt overwhelmed. I felt you took
me for granted.
Confirm—Then Jeff has the opportunity to
confirm his understanding of Angie’s feelings. “You are such a great
hostess, I never thought about the extra time and effort you put
into making great meals. I understand why you’d feel resentful with
me for bringing a surprise guest.”
Reform—Finally, Jeff will write in his notebook
any reformation that needs to take place: “It means a lot to Angie
for me to get home on time. But, if I’m bringing someone with me,
I need to give her at least a one-hour notice.
Next Jeff is given the same opportunity
to share his ideas on “how are we doing.” This pattern works for
Jeff and Angie because they have learned how to share and receive
each other’s feelings and opinions without blame, judgment, or defensiveness.
Both readily admit that their marriage has weak spots they need
to work on, but their skills in communication give them a head start
in dealing with the problems.
* “Jeff and Angie” continue to recommend
this book to all engaged couples: “Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook:
How to Really Get to Know the Person You're Going to Marry” by Jerry
D. Hardin and Diane C. Sloan
by Cyndie Hamley
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