Overcoming
a Legacy of Pain
Jack inherited a legacy of pain in family
relationships. Statistics would have pointed him in the same direction,
but God got a hold of him and that made all the difference.
An atmosphere of constant bickering, nagging
and all out warfare clouded Jack’s childhood home. His parents divorced
before his eleventh birthday leaving his mother to openly pursue
relationships with other men. Her short-lived affairs hurt Jack
at first, but eventually he learned to “not care.”
In his mind, the concept of marriage represented
a treacherous cliff over a deep canyon. He assumed that his turn
to jump off the cliff would come eventually and inevitably. Throughout
high school and college, Jack never allowed his relationships with
girlfriends to develop beyond the surface level. He feared that
if he dug deep enough he would discover the same misery that had
engulfed his parents—and seemingly all the other married couples
he knew.
Jack joined the Marines after he graduated
from college and during his term of service his life radically changed
through the gospel of Jesus Christ. New hope filled Jack as he joined
a church and saw from a distance, a view of marriage that he had
never seen before. He suspected, but could not confirm, marriage
could be done differently. There had to be a better way. He just
had no clue how to find the better way.
Realizing he had no positive role models
for marriage, Jack began to look for some. He did not have to search
far in his church to find happy married people who actually treated
one another with love, respect, and kindness. Still others treated
each other with cool tolerance in public. Jack wondered what characterized
those marriages behind closed doors.
Jack joined a Bible study with married
men and watched them closely. He began to study God’s word and discovered
the qualities of a godly man. He sought to apply what he learned.
Still he resisted the idea of marriage for
himself. But then he met Patty, a petite little blonde who lit up
a room with her smile and ignited Jack’s heart with her laugh. At
twenty, Patty admired 24 year-old Jack’s maturity, his sense of
humor and desire to follow the Lord. They dated for a time and Jack
found his resistance to marriage melting away, but still the underlying
fear persisted. His desire to be near Patty motivated him to further
learn how to be a godly husband.
Jack and Patty discussed marriage, but
always with the distance of time to buffer the commitment. They
agreed to meet with a married couple they respected. The four of
them studied a book on marriage. The material open Jack’s eyes as
he recognized how far his parents strayed from God’s ideal for marriage.
Jack remembered thinking, “If this is how God wants a husband to
act toward his wife, no wonder my mom and dad floundered in their
marriage.”
Differing expectations surfaced but Patty
and Jack discussed issues in a non-threatening manner. Patty had
come with her own preconceived notions about marriage. Her parents,
still married, dealt with problems by ignoring them. Bickering,
let alone, angry rages were foreign to her family. Together Jack
and Patty learned healthy methods of communication. Jack grew in
confidence that with the Lord’s help, they could build a happy marriage
that could go the distance. When it came time for Jack to take the
big step over the cliff of marriage, he found he had a constructed
a "hang-glider" to support him and Patty through the exhilarating
ride.
Jack proposed. Patty accepted. They married.
Over the years they have experienced the joys and sorrows that life
brings. Thirty years later they continue to make Christ the focal
point of their lives and regularly turn to him in prayer. They maintain
time for Christian fellowship and accountability with other believers.
They did not just learn how to be happily
married in premarital counseling and then coast through life in
wedded bliss. They continue to learn ways to show their love and
encouragement to each other, making each other’s needs priority.
Daily they commit to the application of God’s principles in their
marriage. Jack and Patty are building a new legacy for their own
boys. Jack discovered that marriage could be done better. And with
God’s help, Jack and Patty are doing it right.
Cyndie Hamley
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