I ran into my buddy Spuds Grobnik again the other day, and unfortunately he managed to trick me into a conversation about politics, a topic the Spudster knows almost as much about as his Uncle Slats in Chicago does.

Slats, you understand, still thinks the Ford who lived in the White House in the mid-1970's was the same guy who makes the cars, and thus he believes that Lee Iacocca is eminently qualified to serve as our president.

To my relief, Spuds didn't take the topic all that seriously.

"Hey, buddy," he said to me, "did you see that John Denver just released a theme song based on Gary Hart's campaign?"

As a matter of fact, Spudster, I was just reading that in The Detroit News the other day. Some lyrics, huh?

"Yeah! Well he met her at a party, and her name was Donna Rice ... She was Gary's kind of woman, she was pure "Miami Vice" ... She thought he was Gary Collins and could get her on TV ... She suggested "Monkey Business" and the rest is history ... "

Great, Spuds, thanks for that lovely rendition. Why the sudden interest in music?

"Well, I was thinking that it wasn't very fair that Hart is the only candidate with a theme song, so I've been working on some lyrics ... "

Oh, no, Spuds ...

"Do you know the theme song to The Beverly Hillbillies?"

Sure. Why?

"Then sing along with Senator Simon ..." Let me tell you a story 'bout a guy named Paul ... Already in the Senate, but he wants to have it all ... Friends said Pennsylvania Avenue is where ya oughta be ... So he packed up his bags to become the nominee ... Presidential, that is ... peanut farmers ... movie stars ..."

Well, Spuds, all I can really say is that I'm speechless.

"Too bad Joe Biden didn't say that. Anyway, would you believe that I've actually found it easier to write about the Republicans?"

Really?

"Okay, now, for Kemp, this is sung to the tune of Bein' Green."

Something to do with campaign financing?

"No, no. Just listen up, will ya? Ahem ... Oh it's not easy bein' me ... Spendin' each day as a washed-up Bills' QB ... When I think it could be nicer bein' Bush or Dole or someone much more colorful like that ..."

I would hardly call Bush "colorful," Spuds.

"True, true, but I needed to make the lyrics fit. How I really feel about George is kind of captured by my adaptation of the Beatles' Nowhere Man."

Somehow, that sounds appropriate. How does it go?

"George is our Vice President ... Though no one knows quite where he went ... For seven years now Ronnie's sent him ... nowhere. Doesn't have party support ... Because he's really not the sort ... To know what's going on ..."

Wonderful. Truly a divine inspiration.

"No, no the divine inspiration came with another Beatles' song -- A Little Help From My Friends. Can you guess which candidate?"

Divinely inspired ... oh, well, it must have been Pat Robertson.

"Of course. What would you do if I preached off the tube? ... Would you form an invisible army? ... Lend me some bucks and I'll become prez ... Then you'll all go to heaven with me ..."

You know, somehow I can picture the Rev singing that. But what about the hallowed front-runner? You haven't mentioned him yet.

"True, true, but that's only because his song is the most memorable of the Republican ditties, so I saved it for last."

Well, then, let's hear it.

"Well, he's our man, hes a-takin' Ronnie's job ... (singing Dole-wah-diddy, diddy-dum, diddy-do) ... Headin' to the White House, call him Presidential Bob ..."

My God, Spuds, you're onto something here. A song like that could make Dole top banana someday.

"Har har. You know, though, I must admit that I've had some problems writing about the Democratic candidates."

Really? That surprises me. I don't know about Gephardt, but I would think that Jackson could inspire a version of The Rainbow Connection, and surely a candidate whose nickname is "Duke" should inspire something.

"Well, actually, you're partially right -- what I ended up doing was writing one theme song for all three of those guys, since they figure to be the three who matter come convention time in Atlanta. Do you remember the old Terry Cashman song, Willie, Mickey, and the Duke?"

Well, of course -- it always gets a lot play this time of year as Spring Training opens, though I'm pretty certain the title was Talkin' Baseball.

"Maybe you're right. Whatever. Anyway, this is what it sounds like ...

Well Ronnie's been winnin' ...
And Gary, he's been sinnin' ...
And Fritzie scurried back to the Gopher State ...
DuPont was like Peter Rabbit ...
He dropped out with Brucie Babbit ...
And nobody knows who will win in 1988! ...

I'm talkin' politics ...
Bobby Dole and Paulie Simon ...
Talkin' politics ...
George Bush is "Rather" whinin' ...
They're all fightin' and debatin' in rebuke ...
But they know 'em all from Boston to Dubuque ...
Especially Jesse ... Dickie ... and the Duke ...

Amen, Spuds. But just one word of warning ... if you keep this up, someone is bound to pack you off to Sing-Sing.