The Tony Banks Guarantee is in place; every team that's ever released Banks has gone to the Super Bowl that same season. Jerry Jones is no dummy (as he has frequently taken to reminding everyone); he released Banks in August, thus ensuring a 2002 Cowboys Super Bowl appearance.

Here's how it'll happen.

Week 1: In a shocking season-opener, the Cowboys upset Tampa Bay, one of the favorites to win the NFC championship, at Texas Stadium. Rookie QB Quincy Carter runs the option to perfection, the Bucs offense can't get untracked under their own new signal-caller, Brad Johnson, and Dallas prevails, 13-9. The Dallas defense, labeled by many preseason "experts" as "the worst in football," holds the Bucs to just three Martin Gramatica field goals.

Week 2: Traveling to the Silverdome, the Cowboys face a Lions team ready to defend against Carter's option attack. Emmitt Smith carries 33 times for 145 yards, scores twice, and the Lions -- having problems with their own erratic young QB, Charlie Batch -- fall to Dallas, 17-12. The amazing Dallas defense has now surrendered seven field goals, but is the only NFL "D" yet to allow a touchdown.

Week 3: San Diego comes to Irving, and due to a freak injury to an aging Doug Flutie, the Chargers -- like the Cowboys -- are forced to start a rookie QB taken in the second round (Drew Brees). Carter is erratic, but finds speedy wideouts Joey Galloway and Raghib Ismael once each for long TD passes, Brees throws four interceptions, and the Cowboys walk away 14-6 winners. That's nine field goals (but no touchdowns) allowed by a unit local TV personality and former Cowboy backup quarterback Babe Laufenberg labels "The New Doomsday Defense."

Week 4: The 3-0 Cowboys roll into Veterans Stadius brimming with confidence as they face division favorite Philadelphia. Weird things always happen to the Cowboys at The Vet, and this year is no exception. Carter, running a fake-double-reverse-Statue-of-Liberty-flea-flicker which Barry Switzer suggested to Jones earlier in the week, is hit and fumbles, but lumbering offensive lineman Flozell Adams picks up the football and trudges 60 yards for the game's only score. Dallas wins 7-0.

Week 5: It's a Bye Week for the Cowboys, and local Dallas sportswriter Randy Galloway seizes the opportunity, in a typical bout of cleverness, to re-nickname the Cowboy defense "The New No-Name Doomsday Sack Exchange Blue Curtain."

Week 6: Are you ready for some football? The Cowboys renew their heated rivalry with the Redskins in a Monday Night Football tilt that features 13 turnovers. Just like Jerry Jones promised in April, QB Tony Banks engineers the Dallas victory as he tosses a late scoring pass to Izell Reese, who returns the interception 103 yards for a score. Dennis Miller compares Washington owner Daniel Snyder and Dallas owner Jones to "Salieri and Mozart -- and little Danny S. is Salieri, if you know what I mean, Albeeno." Dallas wins, 10-9.

Week 7: The national press is starting to notice the 5-0 Cowboys, especially since nobody has scored a touchdown against them all season. Surely that will change in Oakland, where the Raiders sport the same gaudy 5-0 mark. But Oakland QB Rich Gannon suffers a freak injury, and yet another second-round rookie QB, Marques Tuiasosopo, matches snaps with Carter. Neither QB can move the ball, but late in the fourth quarter, Dallas defensive lineman Greg Ellis sacks Tuiasosopo in the end zone for a safety and the Cowboys win 2-0.

Week 8: Sports Illustrated runs a cover story about the amazing Cowboys, dubbing the team's offense and defense "Q-Ball and Doom," which ticks off Randy Galloway because it's so much easier to remember than his idea. Will the SI jinx end the winning streak? C'mon -- this is the Arizona Cardinals we're talking about. If Oakland can't score against Dallas, you think Jake Plummer and his pals can? Smith runs for 190 yards, Carter runs for 223 and never attempts a forward pass. The Cowboys roll, 23-0.

Week 9: Dallas almost beat the Giants twice last year, and New York went on to play in the Super Bowl. Then Giants CB Jason Sehorn went and married Dallas babe Angie Harmon. The nerve! Wearing black "AH" armbands, the Cowboys stand toe-to-toe with the formidable NY defense, until Carter throws a late TD pass to TE Mike Lucky and Dallas wins, 13-12. "They were lucky to beat us last year," Cowboy coach Dave Campo pronounces. Obviously proud of his own cleverness, he adds "This year, we were the Lucky team." Local newspapers are taken to court by Big Tobacco when headline writers get giddy with "Lucky Strike" references.

It's the midway point of the season, and the 8-0 Cowboys -- even though they're last in the NFL in scoring with just 99 points -- are, along with the Rams, one of only two undefeated teams in the league. The defense has allowed just 48 points on 16 field goals, and no opponent has crossed the Dallas goal line. Emmitt Smith leads the NFL with 868 rushing yards, and Quincy Carter, though his numbers are unimpressive, is the leading candidate for Rookie of the Year.

Week 10: The Cowboys travel to Atlanta, a homecoming of sorts for Carter, who played collegiately at Georgia. A freak injury sidelines Falcons QB Chris Chandler, forcing rookie QB -- and #1 overall pick in the draft -- Michael Vick into action. Carter and Vick take turns running the option and the veer, and the game degenerates into a replay of a mid-1960's Texas/Oklahoma game. Carter plays the role of James Street, leading the Texas-based team to a Tim Seder field goal as time expires. The Falcons fall, 3-0.

Week 11: The Eagles are back for another turn, still steaming over the fluke loss in Week 4. Carter suffers a freak injury as he collides with backup QB Anthony Wright in the team cafeteria, and both are out for the week. Third-team QB Clint Stoerner reminds Dallas fans what a drop-back passer looks like; Philly, totally unprepared to defend against this conventional offense, watches Stoerner throw the ball all over the field to the tune of 433 yards and five scores. The stunned Eagles are the fifth team to be shut out by Doom, falling 38-0.

Week 12: The 10-1 Broncos come to Texas Stadium for Thanksgiving Day, but are disrupted when starting QB Brian Griese suffers a freak injury as he collides with backup Gus Frerotte in the Cowboys' cafeteria, and both are out for the week. Third-team QB Jarious Jackson reminds Denver fans why he didn't always start at Notre Dame; the Broncos, totally unprepared to run a "Thanksgiving Wishbone" offense, repeatedly hand the ball to Olandis Gary and Mike Anderson, but Doom is ready. Too bad Terrell Davis is out for the year. Cowboys win, 10-6.

Week 13: It's on to the nation's capital for a rematch with the Redskins, who are suffering through a 1-9-1 season. Washington owner Danny Snyder forces the Cowboys to use a tent in the parking lot as their dressing room, and bans Dennis Miller from the stadium, even though it's not a Monday Night game and he won't be there anyway. Snyder orders coach Marty Schottenheimer to start third-string rookie QB Sage Rosenfels, who he calls "better than Quincy Carter OR Troy Aikman." The Cowboys blow out Danny's Boys, 31-9.

Week 14: Rumors that Angie Harmon is seeing Stoerner on the sly distract the Giants as they come to Texas Stadium, and their game plan crumbles. QB Kerry Collins suffers a freak injury, and former Aikman backup Jason Garrett takes over for the Giants. Garrett actually throws a touchdown pass against Doom, but it's called back on a bizarre penalty as Sehorn rushes across the field during the play to launch a frenzied attack on Stoerner. Flozell Adams sits on Sehorn until he calms down and Q-Ball runs to a 17-6 win.

Week 15: Seattle once traded the rights to draft Hall of Fame RB Tony Dorsett to Dallas, and the Cowboys have been grateful ever since. They reward the Seahawks by handing the ball to another future Hall of Famer, Emmitt Smith -- 37 rushes for 196 yards. Oh, by the way, Smith breaks the all-time NFL career rushing record, and the Cowboys move to 14-0 as they win, uh, 14-0. It's Doom's sixth shutout of the season.

Week 16: Time for a trip to Arizona, where Cowboy fans continue to outnumber Cardinal fans approximately 15-1. Campo realizes he doesn't know the name of single Arizona offensive starter other than Plummer, and giggles to himself as he realizes it doesn't matter. Smith takes the week off to rest up for the playoffs and Stoerner starts at QB. Celebrity sighting: Arizona Rattlers (Arena Football) coach Danny White, who like Carter, once replaced a Cowboy legend under center. Celebrity sighting II: Angie Harmon is spotted in a Phoenix night club celebrating the 20-3 Dallas victory.

Week 17: A dangerous game for the Cowboys if they hope to finish the regular season undefeated. San Francisco, at 9-6, is battling for a playoff spot. Dallas has already clinched home field and wants to rest the regulars. Doesn't matter. Wright does a respectable job filling in for Rookie of the Year lock Carter, Tim Seder ties a team and NFL record by kicking seven field goals, and the Cowboys romp, 21-0. Doom ends the season having given up just 72 points in 16 games

Playoffs
The NFC Playoffs are a romp for Q-Ball and Doom; the first game is an all-Southwest tilt between the Cowboys and New Orleans in Irving. Former Texas Longhorn Ricky Williams mistakenly cheers wildly when Emmitt Smith is introduced, then is outgained by Smith, 146-5. A freak injury to New Orleans QB Aaron Brooks leaves the Saints offense in the hands of veteran backup Jeff Blake, who suddenly remembers that the only other QB to be cut by both the Jets and Bengals, Boomer Esiason, was never much good in the playoffs either. Dallas cruises, 17-9.

Then it's on to St. Louis for the first-ever NFL playoff matchup between two undefeated teams, as the 17-0 Cowboys face the 17-0 Rams at the TWA Dome. Unfortunately for St. Louis fans, TWA declared bankruptcy early in 2001 and was bought out by the Metroplex-based American Airlines, who add a last-minute retroactive condition to the deal: the NFC Championship Game moves back to Texas.

On a chartered American flight to D/FW Airport, star St. Louis QB Kurt Warner suffers a freak injury involving a beverage cart, leaving the Rams offense in the hands of untested youngster Marc Bulger. He's no match for Q-Ball and Doom, who prevail 9-6.

Super Bowl XXXVI
Finally, the Cowboys return to what their fans know is their rightful place: Super Bowl XXXVI in New Orleans. The opponent? A surprising Miami Dolphins team that got hot at the end of the season under head coach (and former Cowboy assistant) Dave Wannstedt. They're here not only to win a championship, but also to keep the Cowboys from becoming the first undefeated team in the NFL since their 1972 Dolphin predecessors.

The Cowboys have a secret weapon: Miami's offensive coordinator is former Dallas coach Chan Gailey, who runs the most predictable offense in the history of the game. Doom is fairly bored as they crush Miami RB Lamar Smith at the line of scrimmage and force QB Jay Fiedler, a distant relative of former Boston Pops conductor Arthur Fiedler, to throw the ball. Q-Ball and Emmitt score early and often, and Doom registers still another shutout in still another boring Super Bowl blowout: Dallas 34, Miami 0. Mike Lucky is the Super Bowl MVP.

Offseason
Emmitt Smith is named NFL MVP and announces he is retiring. Joey Galloway is named Comeback Player of the Year. Dave Campo is named Coach of the Year. Carter is named Rookie of the Year. Jerry Jones -- Jerry Jones! -- is named Executive of the Year.

And as the Cowboys prepare to defend their 2002 Super Bowl crown, Jones shocks the football world by using his first-round draft pick ... on a quarterback.

Okay, now this is what's really gonna happen ...

Mick Doherty is a writer and editor for American Airlines in Fort Worth, Texas. He covers the Texas Rangers for ESPN.com Fantasy Sports and has been published in numerous other Web venues, including SportingNews.com and previously for About Dallas.