there was was a note from gaidi on my door. we spoke briefly... how he could know the time and place was uncanny. i was worried and raced up to dmoll's room in the attic. the door wasn't locked. dmoll was sitting in klaus' rocking chair. i remember thinking of the creaks as it moved forward like a metronome... when the brain needs a rhythm and time to contemplate. i sat on his bed and waited. i saw a slight trickle of blood from his forehead.
and what i remember just before was sitting over there and i asked him what the blood was on his forehead and when i looked closer it was trickling from two small semicircular punctures dmoll let me wipe yr head... jesus it doesn't want to stop i'll just.... and one arm around him and another from my torn t shirt pressed against his forehead and pulled him out and over to the bed and had just finished a letter to korec and you know how i can't sometimes sleep and i guess my head bounced off the keys another dream shit dmoll where's your notebook with the dreams there i was holding my t shirt on his forehead, scurrying to get something to write this down and... ok got it just hold this up.. yeah there and don't talk so fast.. and i can remember everything because it was black, just black and then a faint white light far off was it a pinpoint or did it have like rays around it that seemed sharp and was coming closer and i noticed a faint light blue hue and as though a cold light it were a hand or a finger and he had this way of pointing. he never raised his arm close to his body and thrust it toward the object horizontally, but he would extend his arm first, then raise it... i tried to copy that movement but it always felt unnatural it drew itself a whirl from right to left one oval mandala aren't mandalas circular...ok...ok like the trail of a frantic paint brush and it too jeez you have this king james shit going on was black because i could see distinctly two blacks with the nearly the same wavelengths but i could see simultaneously the interference...the static dmoll look at me.. ok... they were like layers and i was looking into his pupils just to check but i knew i wouldn't find anything because dmoll never took anything but i was worrying dmoll! look at me not through meee.. this is cdur.. and then the light became warmer and i sensed that the thing that drew it left leaving the black oval on the black background to itself and then the oval began to divide first vertically into two halves then horizontally again into two halves did the line just appear or was there movement it's as though it was being drawn from top to bottom, then from left to right-- like writing an order... dmoll... this IS the writing on the wall the writing on the wall!! and then dmoll talked as though he were reading from a text and his voiced seemed to drop an octave i can't quite remember and inside it there appeared the white segments...four equal quadrants then there was a pause as though this thing was alive and needed to rest or something and then from lower stage right four dancing girls moved staccato fashion into the lower left quadrant hands raised bearing something invisible and weightless. and then they froze in that position looking into what suddenly appeared as an inner circle. then another pause..... then four young bulls entered walking not reluctantly to the right and stopped and raised their heads in unison looking at the empty circle. and another pause. then in the upper right four alters appeared. first only collected stones, then a pause did they look like they were worked... shaped by humans rough and arbitrary then the kindling appeared, then a pause then the fire on each erupted and burned and i sensed that there was sacrificial meat on the fire but no sign of smoke. then the flame froze in the air. then there was a pause again and i was aware that i was an observer, a distinct entity dmoll.. you're being taught something is teaching you you have no say regis is right your mandala would be incomplete and not a symbol of your self but the symbol of all people this in itself now i know what was happening then because this was his first dream where he was not an active participant but being shown being given a knowledge that cannot be comprehended but only lived and was viewing. and it was when i felt distinct from what i was observing that i felt i was not falling but but being grabbed a whirled downward feeling that wonderful and frightening difference in air pressure. something was pulling me. the mandala had disappeared. it was like being suspended in a fluid and being sucked downward. and at that point i sensed that i had control and could decide whether to let this 'thing' take me because i had submitted or i could stop it, stop it and forever awake...and it was as though i was given the opportunity to make a choice what is your very first memory from childhood the earliest the first and what were you seeing and Cdur...it wasn't falling... i've had those sensations before but this was different... it was enveloping... like inhaling fluid in a womb...that's how it felt but now what i'm going to try to explain i can't. at that moment when i had that sustained sense of being enveloped i became two entities, two levels... whatever i can't explain but in the one person i sensed that i was conscious and could stop the pull. i sensed that i was being pulled towards what could have been death but by stopping it i would wake up and find life. so death and life were the opposite choices. but i was also at this same moment another level-realm-person. i don't understand you it is as though the life and death choice did not exist... as though it was an illusion because i knew that there was another choice and that was fearlessness or courage. i don't understand it was numinous... i suddenly knew in that instant that fearlessness is the opposite of courage what and to choose... to choose to let be pulled i would become fearless, but to choose to stop and awaken i could become courageous.. wait...to choose to let be, not choose to go i mean you permit this thing to pull you... say... DOWN but you can't GO DOWN on yr own initiative.. i mean it doesn't sound like opposites... i mean you can STOP but you can't on yr own GO DOWN i don't i don't i didn't understand then, but i understood much later so i chose. jesus dmoll why are you shivering then the pull stopped and the mandala appeared again but with no color except and in the very center the empty circle began to form itself and i knew i was looking at the nucleus of a cell and there was beautiful movement in dark blue maroon and black and i was watching as chromosomes became visible and paired themselves and and were being pulled to asides. and then this glimpse this glimpse into what i was feeling was myself and all humanity and...then...suddenly...was gone and i woke up. i don't want this just to be nonsense... but it's not it's not dmoll, regis is right the incomplete complete... to believe in a not quite truth and change the world and how much will you could he change in here after i had finished writing i went over to the sink to wash my shirt and make some coffee. the window over it was letting in a blinding morning sun. it had snowed the night before. i could see one set of prints that headed to and back from the shed... the returning prints had deeper shadows... bringing what i thought they might have been dmoll's. what was in the fourth quadrant dmoll, what... but the squeaks had stopped, replaced by two tones of breath. i spent the rest of the day in the attic feeling the air rise from the lower floors bringing the excited air and moisture and dust and so i undressed and stood in front of the open window and warmed. it felt so good like a reptile warming herself and on guard...knowing...knowing how utterly vibrant the world could sometimes be...

december 29th, 1985 conversation between Cdur and Dr. Regis
(the 4th quadrant and the new messiah)

but first the old ones have to go

(at 6:30 Cherry gave birth to a boy: what follows are excerpts from Cdur's diary. ed.)........ i didn't know MWF could run so fast, but i beat him anyway. so when we turned the corner of the clinic there was murphy trying to turn off the old autoclave belching smoke like sweeny's incinerator. danni and katrin each holding her hand and the 3 of them, serene as angels in a giotto painting. waiting. katrin said she called for an ambulance because she was plenty dilated but MWF said there was no time and murphy just hammered away at the contraption. i thought it was fascinating because my mother was a nurse and i got close enough for MWF to tell me to get scrubbed too. MWF took charge and calmly divided the labor. danni and i were holding cherry's hand now and giving that advice that must be genetic. suddenly there was no sound, just 6 people doing what 20 million years of taught us, natural and quiet until everywhere were smiles and a wail and danni said... does he have all his hardware? and murphy took the rest and tied and cut and with that we heard a thud. it was Dmoll, on the floor. but cherry had said nothing the entire time as though she wasn't there, only her body and that faint smile-- like she was in a different place. so i went over to Dmoll with a cotton pad of ammonia. then i said: another leo, dude: florence mckensie higgins.

ethel had been good friends with ruby early. so when the earlys decided to move to florida where the tabernacle culture was more promising for an itinerant lay preacher, she (ethel) persuaded hubert to give up his lawn maintenance job at the asylum and search for their piece of the american fundamentalist pie. so off they went, ethel, hubert and rodney. but their hope for new found gain was not to be. but as ruby said in the letter she sent to dr regis "imagine that. like, maybe if you had three blind people standing 100 yards apart in a triangle and each one of them throwing a stone to the middle, and what would be the chance of all three stones colliding in mid air before they hit the ground." yes, i thought too. what would be the chance of that happening. because one of those rock throwers would have mounted a plane in charlotte, another would have driven down I-95, and third would have already been there in orlando. and the first whose plane had a delay in daytona beach before flying over casadaga towards the orlando airport; the second who decided to leave 8 hours earlier for the 12 hour drive; and the third, who, already there and had spent the friday night at a party in deland and was hitching a ride to cassadaga the next afternoon to see a girl he had met that night before.... the three of them crossing paths at one 7 eleven at exactly 5:56 pm est where the plane, the car met rodney as he exited the store with arms full of beer. and rev. early, who knew that there were at least 2 angels, now knew that there was a third and his name was beelzebub.