Location: Black Mountain, NC
Father's Occupation: unknown
Mother's Occupation: Practical Nurse
Admittance: December 23, 1980

mute for d minor

whenever at gesture
words prone
and i always
downwind
like dog

out of breath
my words like fog
and dmoll without ears

my arms outstretched
like broken twigs
and around you
the wind like
a fist and
in my eyes
you
ever
smaller

IME January 17, 1981:  Prof. Dr. William Younger
Notes on patient D. C'dura. I interviewed subject at request of Dr. Murphy (Dept. of Amnesia) and have concluded that although I had found no explicit symptioms, I have decided to administer a DSP (diagnostic syndrome profile) in light of having detected a tendency to revert to angry outbursts when attempting to explain reasons for her behavior. Having used such phrases as who gives a fuck, what do you care, why even bother, whatever and I might as well be a zygote, I believe that the patient may be in the preliminary stages of depression. Addendum: The patient shows evidence of having a very high IQ, so I am suggesting giving her the Binet test concurrent with the DSP.

To Jesus
by Daniela C'Dura

jesus
who cares
i try and try
and you overlook this friction

otherwise,
be a good host
and give me
a dose
of
molybdenum
chromium
selenium
magnesium
formaldehyde
methyl sulfide
pyridoxine
(z) (z)-3,6-nonadien-1-ol
3-carboxy-5-hydroxy-1-p-sulfophenyl-4-p-sulfo- phenyl-azopyrazole trisodium salt
(FD&C Yellow No. 5)
(oh yeah, Sunset Yellow)
and i take that to go
w/my sardine + loaf

IME January 30, 1981: Prof. Dr. William Younger
Results of DSP: My office will forward the complete results to you under separate cover. In the meantime I think it of importance to note the results of Sec. 4 (1-23). I am basing them on the Mazmanian Mania-Depression Mood Scale: Point 2:

Agitated loud: 2

1. Elevated mood, Inflated self esteem, Expansive
2. Apprehensive, Unwarranted optimism, Overconfident
3. Active, Verbally loud
4. Less need for sleep

and Point 8
Mild Depression: -2

1. Looks sad, strong inferiority traits
2. Pessimistic
3. Avoids others, Minimal responses, Worried
4. Plays with hands or hair
5. Frequency somatic complaints

We suggest that, because we have found two opposing tendencies, the patient should be under a regimen of a monocyclic aminoketone and regular counselling. With negative results, be prepared to administer valproate plus lithium, if required. At present we do not suggest chemical treatment for Agitated Loud (MMDM Scale) because of the patient's age.
Note to Dr. Regis: You are correct in your assessment of the patient's IQ. We have scaled it between 138-142. During our post-test meeting the patient spoke at great length about another patient, a Dmoll. Regarding our conversation by phone, I believe that you are quite correct in your own assesment that both this patient and Dmoll exhibit very similar behavioral traits and their mutual dependency may be potentially destructive and conclude in the one or the other's elevated sense of hoplessness. I wish you the best of fortune in having both patients moved to your care.

and a fish has no eyelids but here i am blinking to stay awake as you said trying to fight the mood trying to do its opposite but your own advice you couldnt even follow it yourself when i was up you were down when i was painting you were sleeping and when i was praying you were in the kitchen trying to recruit the hungry all they wanted was food and why are you always right giving advice as though it came from another world some cosmic conviction ok i know you were there for me a lot but sometimes you werent and sometimes when you were you werent and that you bastard and that was bad and sometimes i think you planned it that way but you never to me that i helped you too and i know that i did like the time i kept you from that suicide plan and grandiose bullshit of opting out in the chapel with everyone watching jesus you could be just silly not crazy not  not even behaving in a way to fall under a psychological category but damit just silly like a little boy just silly like an adolescent dumb-ass kenny or rodney just silly not deserving a name a category a diagnosis a treatment but maybe just sometimes what i told you was right right accurate that just sometimes you should just grow up and why am i using the past tense and with that she walked over the cold wooden floor and sat at dmoll's desk and spread the prayer fragments into a meaningful puzzel that became after an hour:

#1
oh god
you are so old
can i comb
the hairs on your chest
just once
show me how to
be wet + low
and if you
would do me
i would do you too

#2
dear god
why do you even ask
anymore
just do it and go
you used to love me
here and here
but you never loved me there

#3
what's the use jesus
you put it there
and it never fits
you name it
it points
it cries
it crawls back to where it was
and you never talk

and the other the one who who had just turned the page the hard one the one who had murdered the one with regret and guilt who had brought her daughter here and hovered over her who had said and said to her "you are as smart as him but you have to see it yourself" and the other one the one who knew he had made the right decision who knew that she now would have to do the same who knew she would ween herself who knew it would be sudden who knew it would be soon put down the file and the envelop he had been holding all this time and glanced at the return address again, 2200 Jackson Hall, Chapel Hill on his way out of the room.

and it was later when the girl who was trying not to fall asleep was woken by a ray of sun that had squinted itself through a slit in the rough shutter. she walked to the sink and filled the coffee machine and turned it on. she was still yawning when she pulled back the shutter. the heat of the morning sun had crusted the thin panes and they refracted the light magnifying it blinding her until she put her hands directly on the icy panes and waited for her nerves to numb and the ice to give way. and slowly the floor became wet and she was able to see through the glass and she thought that she had to be feeling the same greeting that an animal rising from a long cold sleep must feel when it leaves its burrow to gaze again onto an old new world.

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