Clark
Longshot. Bad experience when stuffed in a West Point Library book drop as a plebe. Nervously bites upper lip whenever walking near FedEx or U.S. Mail drops.

Dean
Only buys books.

Edwards
The real deal. Impressive stamp collection taken from international interlibrary loan deliveries. Loves popping those jiffy bag bubbles.

Gephardt
Still believes Sears Headings are a hardware product made by Craftsman. Did a respectable job as a diminutive last-minute Barney replacement in a 2001 summer reading program.

Graham
Internet barnacle. Only gets up to use the bathroom and play hackey sack with the local Gen X'ers. Definitely an anti-CIPA guy.

Kerry
No way. The "Free Catsup Packet for Overdue Books" amnesty program was nothing but a shameless marketing ploy for his wife's condiment empire.

Kucinich
Considered by insiders as a dark horse. Still leaves an occasional Cheetos crumb on the NY Times index table but is careful to wipe his mouth with shirt sleeve. Still gets a kick explaining the French origin of the word "microfiche".

Lieberman
Loves playing "head games" with the library pages. Often heard chanting REDRUM REDRUM in the waning hours of larger academic library stacks.

Sharpton
Spunky guy not afraid to talk "smack" with a librarian giving attitude. Major player in ALA's sponsorship of the "U.S. Bass Anglers Hooked on Libraries" program.

Bush
Of course married to a librarian. Considers Clive Cussler a pen pal and willing to put federal research funds into "scratch-n-snif" web technology. Will be hard to beat.