"So, what do you think? Maybe truss 'er up all tight-like with that rope stuff over there, then use the hooks?"
"I don't know. I'm kinda partial to candles myself."
"Yeah, but all that wax…could get on bits we don't want it on."
"True. But it adds an ambiance. Nothing says 'I went out of my way to make this special,' like candles."
"'Member that time in France, when Dru had all those candles?"
"I remember a certain someone knocked one over and nearly sent all of us up in flames."
"Uh huh. Exactly. So maybe…."
"No candles. Too hazardous…and messy."
"Good thinking, peaches. Bloody genius, you are."
"Shut up Spike."
Long pause.
"So…."
"So…."
"Well, we need to do something. Can't just leave 'er starkers. Would be a bloody insult."
"I'm thinking, just give me a minute."
"Going to take more than a minute, that."
"You know, I can still kick your ass."
"That why I got to the cup first, then?"
"Spike, I'm warning you—"
"Oh save it, Angel. Your poncey warnings don't make me shake in my knickers anymore like they did when I was a fledge."
"I used to make you shake in your knickers?"
"Put the leer away, pouf. Was talking about your warnings. Not the other."
"So the other didn't affect you…."
"For the love of…stop pouting. 'S disturbing."
"You pout."
"I'm cute. I can pull it off."
"And I'm not?"
"No. You're…other things. Cute isn't one of them. Except when you get that befuddled, clueless look. That's cute, have to admit. But the pout…isn't in the slightest, mate."
"I'm…other things?"
"Yes."
"What other things?"
"Bloody gorgeous comes to mind…hung like a stallion too, got a—" Mrmph.
Several minutes later…
"Bugger. Angel…we're never going to get this done if you…. Fuck. Yeah. Right there. That's…hey, wait! Get away from me. You're just trying to distract me."
"I can't help it if you're too cute for me to keep my hands off."
"Oh bloody hell. Okay, that was almost funny. Your sense of humor's getting better. 'S not going to get you out of helping me with this, though."
"Fine. But I don't see the point. I mean, we haven't done this in years. The shiny ropes, the hooks…it's intimidating."
"We are a bit rusty, aren't we?"
"Just a little."
"When's the last time you…."
"Just before the soul. You?"
"Last time was before the bloody chip…with Dru."
"Oh."
"This is ridiculous. We're a couple of badass vamps. We shouldn't be intimidated by a…. It's probably like riding a bike, yeah? Just need to hop on and go."
"You think I'm a badass vamp?"
"Way to focus on the one thing in that comment that was beside the point, luv."
"Thank you. I learned from the best."
"Stuff it."
"I'm planning to, as soon as you give up on this crazy idea. We're not those two vampires anymore. This isn't us. And besides, why bother?"
"Oh, no reason. Only, it'd be nice to do something for the gang."
"Since when do you care about the gang?"
"I'm hurt, Angel, truly hurt. I care about them. I just don't advertise the fact."
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't realize…."
"And that's just it, innit? Too wrapped up in your bloody soul and redemption to see me. Wouldn't hurt you to focus some of that energy on your one and only, mate. Might be good for you, in fact. Know it would be for me."
"Hey, Spike! Did you win that bet yet…oh."
"Gunn. Hi. And what bet would that be exactly?"
"No bet. Nothing. Poor git's confused. Must have bumped his head a little too hard last night fighting that Kerkilla demon. Right Charlie?"
"Oh, uh, yeah. Right. Kerkilla demon. Ouch, still hurts. I'll just…go get some aspirin."
"Spike?"
"Yes, luv?"
"Don't give me that innocent look. If the pout doesn't work for me, innocent sure as hell doesn't work for you."
"Don't know what you're on about. Sure you didn't bump your enormous melon too? Might be serious. Should get Wesley to look at it."
"You're right. I do need my head examined. For falling for yet another one of your games, because that's what this is, isn't it? Some game, some bet designed to make me look like an idiot!"
"Now, luv, let's talk about this. Luv…pet… Angel…it wouldn't be a good idea to get all physical in here, yeah? Could break things."
"Oh, I'm going to break something. Your neck comes to mind."
"Okay, now that's just mean. After all I went through to get all this, and the work I had to put in to get you to agree to it…you're not being fair."
"I'm not being fair? I'm not?"
"There's no way that I can answer that without getting my arse beat, is there."
"Fine. Okay. Explain one thing to me. Why?"
"Why?"
"Why did you buy a pine tree and all this stuff…the glittery rope, the hooks, the ornaments…why?"
"Right, then. You want to know why? Because I miss it, Angel. I miss putting up a tree, and decorating 'er all pretty-like with you. Miss how Dru used to giggle and dance around it singing songs that made absolutely no sense to anyone but her. Bloody hell, I even missed how Darla turned her nose up at it every soddin' year, huffing about how undignified and wrong it was for vampires to celebrate Christmas, only to sneak out of bed at night and light all the candles hanging from the branches and watch the flames flicker."
"You knew she did that?"
"Course I knew, pet. We all slept in the same bed. Would have been hard not to notice her climbing over the rest of us to get out, wouldn't it?"
"Oh yeah, right. So…you were trying to recapture the past?"
"No, you think-headed—"
"Hey!"
"Right. Sorry. No, Angel. I did it because this place, your humans, they feel like family, yeah? And since it seems we have a family again, thought it might be nice to start the tradition back up. Put a smile on the kiddies faces. They've all been wallowing in holiday blues lately. This place is getting to them."
"Wil, that's…I don't know what to say."
"Don't have to say anything, just give us a kiss, pet, then help me get this bleeding monstrosity decorated, right?"
"That, I can do. Come here."
Long moments later…
"All right. We can do this. I'll go around back and see if I can get this thing righted, and you stand there and tell me when it's close so I can screw it in the stand."
"Sure, luv."
"Spike? There you are."
"Fred! Hi, pet. Now's not a good time, so just toddle off and I'll come find you in a—"
"Sorry, Spike, but it's kind of important. Look, I just needed to know if you think you might still win that bet you had going with Gunn. You know, the one where he said, 'No way will you get Angel to help put up a tree,' and you answered, 'That right? How about a little wager, then. I'll not only get Angel to help put it up, but I'll get his grand poufiness to whistle a tune while he decorates it.' Because, see, Gunn's in his office gloating about how he won the bet, and I sorta had a side bet going with him, and there's this trans-dimensional spectro-analyzer I'm saving up for since my budget in research is still over by a lot since trying to make you corporeal, and…Spike? Is something wrong?"
"Yeah Spike, something wrong?"
"Angel? I didn't know you were…oh. Uh, yeah. I'll just go…tell Gunn he won."
"Angel, listen. It's not what you think…."
"It isn't?"
"No, and if you stay over there—far over there—I'll explain, I swear!"
"I'd love to hear this."
"Right. Everything I said was true, honest…it's just…not the tree that's going to lift the gang's spirits."
"Oh? What is?"
"The sight of you decorating it and whistling a tune off key?"
"Spike?"
"Yes, luv?"
"Run."
"Bugger."
~ Finis