Old Boyfriend Remover
by Darin M. Bush
Go back, ye of little
stomach or tolerance! This is based on a true story. I have embellished, of
course. I am not making any political or moral statements, it is just comedy.
Any resemblance to anyone, anywhere, is just a coincidence. Well, except for
the Jew, who is me. As Matt Stone of
Ladies? Having trouble hanging out in public with your
girlfriends? Is your ex-boyfriend interrupting your down time, or your party
time?
Or, having trouble getting that new guy? It's hard to flirt
when your ex just won't go away. How embarrassing is it for a first date to get
run over by a third wheel that doesn't know you punctured it already?
Well, now you won't need to worry any more. Luckoff, the
company that brought you "ExSpaminator", presents a new product:
OLD BOYFRIEND REMOVER!
Yes, now you can afford to not only remove that ugly social
grape juice stain from the carpet of your free time, but you can also confuse,
embarrass, and humiliate the grape it was squeezed out of. It's so easy! And
we'll show you how!
Your OBRemover kit comes in one easy package, arrives at your
social situation on its own, unpacks, deploys, and repacks itself, returning to
its local home base on its own power. Simply pay the monthly installment fee,
and the OBRemover is at your disposal.
The OBRemover kit contains one (1) large, hairy, and very
assertive older male. Our prototype model is currently available for
demonstrations, and we have trial 30-day risk free programs. Luckoff will come
to you! For a small, reasonable, one-time fee, the OBRemover prototype is
available for group demonstrations at church meetings, women's support groups,
or Superior Court waiting rooms.
And Luckoff is currently working diligently to expand your
selection. Our Research & Development group is constantly giving you new choices,
and new options. We have recently added OBRemover models that we are certain
will be popular with you. First of all, we can now offer a new Premium model,
"Cop Just Off Work." Also, our most popular request from email,
"Jewish Smart Ass," is both classy and inexpensive. What a bargain!
Still not sold? Well, ladies, we've saved the best for last!
Every model of the OBRemover is designed to keep you not only safe, but also
secure and looking good in social situations. Every OBRemover is equipped with a
wide range of compliments, smiles, witty anecdotes, and the most extensively
researched array of social skills ever collected (in a man). For example, the
OBRemover will compliment your shoes. And, for no additional charge, he will
point out to your female friends that you have obviously lost weight. Luckoff
has worked hard to make the OBRemover everything you would want in a date,
assuming you found yourself confronted by your ex in public, without a date.
Let's talk to a satisfied customer:
"So, yea, my ex is leaning over me, asking me, you know,
THOSE kinds of questions. I can barely hear him over the music, but he's got
that look in his eyes. You know... Anyway, there I am trapped, a little scared,
and worst of all, losing my awesome entrance to the bar where all my
girlfriends were. It's just not worth it if I can't make the entrance! Sorry.
"Anywho, I'm trying to figure out how to kill myself,
when all of a sudden, this guy who I never saw before, who was kinda scary
looking, you know - big, lots of hair in the wrong places, and really really
old looking, comes right up to my face and asks me if I still wanted him to buy
me a drink.
"So, I didn't know it, but a couple of my girlfriends had
gotten together and bought me Luckoff's new OBRemover. They were gonna tell me
about it that very night. I did not even have to know about it to activate it,
it just did it all on it's own.
"Where was I? Oh, yea. The OBR comes right over into my
face, and puts his arm around me, just a little - nothing my new boyfriend
should worry about - and leans in close and says, loud enough so everyone can
hear him, 'I was waiting for you. You said I should buy you a drink. What would
you like?' Okay, he is SO sincere, and he has this look on his face like, just
play along, so I say to him, 'Hey, thanks, Mueller Lite.' He says, 'Okay, baby,
no problem.' He turns to go, and looks my (bleeped) ex right in the face, right
in the eye, and says, 'Hey, how are you?' with a great big smile on his face.
Hoo hoo ha, you should have seen the look on that (bleeped)'s face. He turned
all green.
"I had no idea what was going on, but my ex was so
distracted by the OBR, he totally lost what he was trying to say. I loved the
look on his face when the OBR came back a minute later and said, 'Bottle or
draft?' and gave my ex a smile. He went from green to orange. At that point,
seeing an opening, a passing girlfriend grabbed me, and I got out of there.
"My girlfriends explained later about the OBR. I was so
relieved, and so grateful, I took pity on the big freak and sat down at the
table with him. What do you know? He was funny, and very polite. A real
gentlemen. It's too bad about his face, though, or maybe... you know. Anyway,
I'll certainly renew my membership with Luckoff once the gift is cashed out.
Thank you Luckoff!"
And there you have it, ladies. Undeniably, some of you, at
some time in the future, could use the OBRemover system. There is no better way
to get back at your ex than to show up in public with a better boyfriend, but,
until that time, rely on Luckoff and it's catalog of OBRemovers to protect not
only your reputation and social status, but also your peace of mind.
And, for those of you who are STILL not 100% satisfied,
Luckoff has just announced a new time-share program for the OBRemover. Simply
register the OBR account in multiple names, and enjoy the freedom of a new life
away from that guy you outgrew, without having to sell what furniture he didn't
take with him to afford the OBRemover. (Special discount rates are available for
women with the same ex or unwitting mistresses of the same married man. Federal
subsidies are available for victims of Senators, Congressmen, Presidents, or
Sean Penn.)
Disclaimer: OBR not equipped for long-term
relationship. OBR genitalia, while painstakingly accurate and over-sized for
purposes of intimidation, should not be directly manipulated, as all OBR
programming will cease to function. In case of sluggish response time from OBR
during extended use, administration of sweet tea, soda, or chocolate may be
required. Enter OBR vehicle at one's own risk. No exboyfriends were killed in
the making of this infomercial, sorry. This is a PARODY. It is NOT meant to
offend anyone, and should NOT be taken seriously by anybody. Member FDIC, one
size fits all, the opinions herein are pretty damn silly.
To order OBR, or file a complaint, email me at the Tourette Tiger
Copyright 2004-2005 by Darin M. Bush. All rights
reserved, really. It's mine.