Beneath the Stripes:
Tourette's Syndrome from the Tiger’s View
by Darin M. Bush
Park it Here a While
Finding a parking space is one of the joys of the real world.
Once you get past the ordeal of getting a driver's license, buying a car, and
getting insurance, pat yourself on the back. Not while driving! Look out! You
keep your hands at 10 and 2, and let me do the patting. I'm taking my Xanax
right now.
Your anxiety does not diminish just because you make it safely
to the parking lot. Many dangers lie in wait just outside Macy's, and I am not
talking about the fashion police. George Carlin refers to them as the
“Automotive Harassment Squad.” Pedestrians wander the aisles at odd angles.
Free range shopping carts linger in the best parking spaces. And the entrance
to the food court is blocked by an ambulance. Again.
For people without ADHD, these problems are frustrating but
usually do not prevent them from getting into the mall to buy the new Kenny G.
album. However, for those of us with ADHD, the parking lot is difficult enough to
navigate without these added pressures. Some ADHD folks do not drive to the
mall at all; it is simply overwhelming. And besides, we can not sit through an
entire Kenny G. song anyway.
Physically handicapped drivers only gained designated parking
during my parent’s lifetime. At some point, these people (and their parents and
lawyers) worked and struggled to change the laws and the culture. Forty years
later, it is our turn to make similar changes. It is time to speak out. It is
time to demand ADHD parking!
ADHD parking, like physically handicapped parking, is designed
to bypass the handicap and allow us to function more normally, e.g.: buy shoes
with lights in them. First of all, ADHD parking is not closer to the building;
the walk will be good for us. Place the spaces in the middle of the parking
lot. The lines marking each space must be bright orange, and twice the normal
width. The spaces themselves will be 50 percent wider, 25 percent longer,
ending in rubber (not concrete) tire bumpers. Further mark our spaces with 15
foot plastic poles, ending in fluorescent orange bicycle flags. To complete the
scheme, install a call box in the center, with emergency numbers in large,
friendly characters: police, fire, tow truck, CHADD, and the nearest 24-hour
pharmacy.
Planning ADHD parking is the easy part. We must convince
people we need it. We must sell its merits to lawmakers and business leaders.
You would think companies would love to have people with impulse control
problems in their stores. We need an "Awareness Workshop" tool to
give people a glimpse of the reality of ADHD. I have a solution. On a
prearranged day, have every person in the company drive to work in a rental
car. And not just any car. Can you imagine the chaos, the turmoil, the frustration,
as people try to navigate in an endless sea of cars, every one of them a medium
blue Ford Taurus?
Questions? Suggestions? Harass me with an email at
the Tourette Tiger
Copyright 2004 by