TS+ Style: War in Iraq

TS+ Style: War in Iraq

by Darin M. Bush

1991, Kuwait City, Kuwait:

The United States military escalated attempts to rescue oppressed Touretters in Iraq, launching its Operation Desert Storm. The Army made use of non-lethal weapons, such as the Ritalin gun and the Prozac grenade.

The Air Force dropped over 18,000 Thorazine bombs on key locations near Baghdad. So-called ‘smart’ Adderall missiles were launched from top secret stealth / distraction bombers, using the new HLAC (Hey, Look, A Chicken) technology. These missiles were targeted at underground bunkers where Saddam Hussein was likely feeling anti-social.

In a clueless attempt to draw world sympathy, Iraqi TV reported that American Navy Seals were illegally using Haldol weapons to quell resistance and calm supports of Saddam. These reports were countered by CNN film footage of Iraqi troops launching Stress missiles from Russian-built Anxiety launch platforms. These missiles, aimed at Kuwait City and Saudi Arabia, were later proven to be carrying W.M.D.s (Weapons of Mass Depression).

However, the threat was nullified by advanced Provigil anti-depressant missile systems. The 100% accuracy of these sensory-defensive weapons was attributed to the Concerta communications network, and the new Selexa guidance computers.

While Iraqi TV is stuck on claiming victory, top US officials are declaring the successful end to executive dysfunction in Iraq.

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