Neil was the runt of the litter;
'twould have made a lesser man bitter;
but he turned out quite charming
We all know it's farming
and fishing and feeding farm critters.

Now Em was the Morris Street charmer.
her folks wanted nothing to harm her.
They raised her from the start
on Dance, Music and Art,
Their sole warning was "Steer clear of farmers!"

But soon at the Berghandler household
a sweet tale of romance did unfold.
Neil's wit and invention
had caught Em's attention
and right off her feet Em was bowled.

Said Emma: "Let's take in a movie!
I heard "King Kong" is real groovy!"
Neil's ten-dollar fliver
hopped, sputtered and shivered
But the time they arrived, both were whoozie.

Lightheaded, Neil soon took the leap.
"Will Em have me to hold and to keep?"
I don't have too much loot
It'll be one big crap-shoot;
But in happiness, why, we'll be neck deep!"

Now this was an age pre-divorce
Once hitched you kept the same horse
So when Neil finally asked her
Em thought "Better than put to pasture"
And demurely responded "Of course"

Still Neil had to give it much thought
There's no turning back once you're caught
But his only alternative
was a midget named Mildred
with three eyes, green hair and worry-fraught.

Emma's friends said "He's no bathing beauty."
But to Em, Neil was her Darling Cutey
Not once did she falter
as she tap-danced to the altar
Laying claim to the wedding booty.

Naturally, she had some reservations
Farmers wives endured many privations
but she gladly bit the bullet
--or was it a pullet?--
Before the last train left the station.

Neil's courtship of Em caused a ripple
'specially if your name's Harold Knuepple
Cause as Em's former beau
he soon got the Heave-ho
That's when poor Harold started to tipple.

Em's mom declared: "Ach du lieber!
Mein puppschen hatt augenstern wieder.
Jetz muss Mann aber ratt schaffen
Ein schoeness Hochzeit machen
Mit Pastor aber nicht mit Richter"

Their wedding was the talk of the town
Thousands came from miles and miles around
If Charles and Di had been livin'
To Fond du Lac they'd have driven
to witness this event so reknown.

Now this was no ordinary affair
When Em Berghandler fell for Neil's snare
the wedding bells pealed
And their fates were sealed - 
All agreed that they made quite a pair!

Their presents were many and pretty
The Mayor gave them the key to the city
Em would have liked better
a brand-new manure spreader
'Cause Con had given Neil his gift of bull-shitee!

Em's pa told her "Listen here miss"
The secret to marital bliss
is bake pies for your guy
serve him whickey that's Rye,
and don't fight in front of the kids!

As to children, Neil's mom was a pro
with more than a dozen in tow;
She advised: "Pull their ears!
Tweek noses! Spank rears!"
She was Irish, it certainly shows.

Their first child had the meanest of glares;
the next three were real crosses to bear;
the fifth turned out Spanish
ungainly and mannish;
All five quickly drove Em to prayer!

As the Reinhardt girls grewed and they growed
with each new addition Neil crowed:
"It's a boy!" he'd declare
friends replied: "More hot air"
'Twas another new daughter, they knowed.

By the sixth one, Neil's fame as a liar
had spread like a rural barn fire.
Friends bought baby John dressed
and pink bows for his tresses
and bedecked him in girlish attire.

Yes, when John came Neil roused from despair.
And with Dick, why he had a matched pair.
He started to dream
of his own football team...
But Em fast put her foot down, so there.

Uncle Sam saw their 7 tax deductions
And told them to shut down production
Saying "You'll bankrupt the Treasury,
leave the nation in penury,
By '86 there'll be economic destruction!"

They sent their kids off to Catholic schools,
hoping they'd hone to Golden rule'
but just as Em feared
The nuns made them all weird
not to mention, as stubborn as mules.

Em asked "why'd I deserve such brats?"
They're all smelly, look and sound like barn rats
But Neil said, "could be worse.
Would have been a REAL curse
If they hadn't turned out Democrats!"

All who stayed at the Reinhardt farm
had to protect their ears from harm
by leaving 'fore Em rose
and got to the radio
'cause Josh Krunchmeier was the wake-up alarm.

Neil's health George Hutter soon plundered
Em's peace of mind St. Agnes sundered
The years stole all their vanity
Their kids robbed them of sanity
At their perserverence, everyone wondered.

True to their vows, they've stuck through thick and thin,
weathered ups and downs, outs and ins
they've seen poverty, sickness and health
they're still praying for wealth
We won't ask if they'd do it all ag'in.

Some day when you're lost on Boyd Street
go to two-ninety-five for a real treat.
Neil'll be out back trapping rabbits
--one of many strange habits --
a more talkative guy you won't meet.

Em will be inside; she's the cook.
With her field glasses out windows she looks
She keeps an eye on the neighbors
though she claims to watch jay-birds
and robins and sparrows and rooks.

Yes they've both made their children quite proud
They're eccentric; they stand out in a crowd.
Even Neil's snoring
is far from boring
Just like him, it's rambunctious and loud.

Em's enjoying a much-deserved rest
Having kicked the last bird from the nest.
It's a life a real ease
they do as they damn please
it's the one thing they've always done best.

Their own trials as parents forgotton,
They're out to spoil their grandkids rotten
with candy and toys
for grand-girls and grand-boys
It's their kids turn to be woe-begotten.

And so 2 fine people from these parts
50 years ago came to be sweethearts
They started a life
as husband and wife
That's the saga of Em and Neil Reinhardt.