This page is in no way intended as a replacement for your own research. It does not offer any medical opinions or the like; I am not an expert. It is intended to help those of us with adult loved ones who have ADD to better understand certain aspects.

I'd like to start with a reminder that a person's ADD is not the whole of who they are. If you are just finding out that your loved one has ADD, or knew but are just now beginning to understand what that means, remember that they are the same person you have always loved. It should go without saying. From now on I'll refer to the person in question as "him," but that does not mean that there aren't women with ADD. Quite the contrary.

Each person is different. Your loved one may have to deal with any combination of the following, or even all of them. Remember that your attitude is important: Empathize. You may just now be learning about this, but he has been dealing with this all his life and there are aspects that are frustrating and can be embarrassing to him. Talk to your loved one, ask questions. Have an open and honest discussion and explore options to help head off misunderstandings and make life easier for the both of you.

It's incredibly difficult to generalize any group of people, but I'll begin with a list of common aspects of ADD and explanations to help you better understand. Credits can be found at the bottom of this page.

Thinking: People who have ADD think differently than people who don't. There are large differences, but I'd like to point out that just because he thinks differently does not make him stupid. In fact, many people with ADD are highly intelligent. You don't have to speak to him as though he's stupid. People with ADD may have different ways of coming up with the same answer in school, for instance. Anecdote: Three cousins of mine have ADD. One of them, J., can work a really hard math question in his head and write down the answer. Ask him to write out step by step how he got there, like most math teachers insist on, and he simply can't. He obviously isn't stupid, he just does it his own way because the way he thinks is so different from the rest of us.

What this means for you: It means that you can both arrive at the same ideas and/or conclusions, each in different ways.
Quote: "You can't think like an ADDer anymore than an ADDer could think like you. That doesn't mean that you can't agree or even understand each other. It just means that the thought processes themselves operate in significantly different ways. ADDers are on a different wavelength!"

Blinking: I liken blinking to petit mal seizures, because that's how I understand it. Imagine you're in a conversation, following along just fine, and suddenly everyone is staring at you. You haven't a clue what was just said, or if someone asked you a question...the last few moments simply aren't there! Scary, no? Embarrassing, no? Or imagine how you blink literally. Your eyes close and there's nothing, and you open them and the world reappears. Except, with him it's his whole mind blinking. Many people with ADD will learn to cover that up in different ways, but it's frustrating missing bits of important conversations, it's embarrassing to have people looking at you like you're crazy...and it's painful to know that your friends and your loved ones think you don't care enough to pay attention to what they're saying. And it's not just conversations; imagine blinking your way through an important lecture, or, heaven forbid, while driving.

What this means for you: When he blinks while he's reading, it's easy to go back and reread. Conversations aren't so easy. Remember that he isn't being rude and he isn't deliberately ignoring you. If you know what's going on, you know his seeming inattention isn't because you're being boring or that he thinks the discussion is unimportant. Thinking that can be painful and frustrating for you, but it's infintely more painful and frustrating for him.
Make blinking an open thing, and do your best to make dealing with it comfortable. Let him know he doesn't have to try and cover it up; come up with practical ways to work around it. It might not seem so very important in your daily activities to go back and fill him in on things he may have missed, but it is important to become adept at that for those Important Discussions. Be patient, and do your best to make this often embarrassing aspect of ADD easier for him.

Environment/Scanning: An example, also a quote: "ADDers are keenly aware of their environment. They see things that others people seem to naturally screen out. How many other people will drive through town and actually read all the billboards, store fronts and street signs. This becomes a problem when he is so distracted by a billboard for the zoo that he runs a red light. In restaurants, he overhears conversations several tables away (assuming his hearing is capable), yet doesn't seem to be able to hear his wife, who is sitting just across the table. This doesn't sit well with her. She wishes he would look at her instead of all around the room."

Why isn't he looking at her, focusing on her? Because he can't. Everything is crying out for his attention, for him to look, listen...including his wife. He tries to focus on her, look into her eyes, except there's a waiter across the room replenishing another customer's glass of water. I don't think that's important enough to look at, and you probably don't, either, but it demands his attention as surely as his wife does.

Another example: "In conversation, such easy distractibility is misconstrued as inattentativness, or worse. The wife of an ADDer may be pouring out her heart about what a bad day she had at work, only to hear a response of "Did you know you have a stain on that shirt?". The wounded spouse then accuses the ADDer of not listening, so the ADDer repeats back everything that she said just to prove that he, in fact, was listening, and "listening has nothing to do with the fact that you still have a stain on that shirt, and by the way, what should we have for dinner?", so she accuses him of not caring about her day... You get the picture."

Another quote, simply because the author says it very well: "While wading through all the information which those around him seem to disregard, his mind appears to drift. His senses are doing their job of gathering input very well. He becomes distracted by things that those around him don't even notice. The trouble is that [his brain is] letting too much information get through, all competing for his immediate attention, some canceling the others out. I was thirty years old before I realized that not everyone had to turn the radio down if they wanted to smell something cooking on the stove!"

To put it even more simply, his senses are recieving input that his brain doesn't filter properly. This means that he's got loads of information coming in, all at once, all demanding to be noticed, some getting lost in the rush. His brain has an "extremely difficult time prioritizing information". You both hear an air conditioner come on; you hear it click on and then you tune it out automatically. For him the low hum of the air conditioner might be incredibly distracting. And it isn't something he can help, folks.

What this means for you: It means that sometimes he won't be paying attention to you, even when it's important. This will probably hurt your feelings, like the wife in the example. Just remember that he can't help it, and he isn't trying to hurt your feelings or ignore you, and it isn't that he doesn't care. Again, talk to him about it, see if you can find a place or set aside a room in your home that isn't full of distractions, that always stays the same to make it easier for him to concentrate on what's at hand. It worked for my young cousin D. and his homework; an adapted version of this solution may work for you.

I think one of the best things you can do is remember to not take it personally; the world is full of things we tune out that he can't help but listen to, and things that get lost in the shuffle of the filter.

Multitracking: The person with ADD doesn't have a one track mind. It jumps from one topic to the next in a seemingly convoluted mess of a labyrinth. You could be discussing fish with him, and suddenly he's talking about a filing cabinet. You don't know how he got there, but there is a trail between the two topics, somehow, as wayward as it might seem. He can make connections between seemingly unrelated bits of information; the epitome of thinking outside the box which can be an asset in problem solving.

It also means that at practically any given moment, there may be six different things going on in his head, rather than one or two that you or I might have going on. There's someone I know who, although she doesn't have ADD as far as I know, can be watching a movie and suddenly come out with "I've got to weed the flower beds tomorrow," and sometimes this person will interrupt a sentence with "Did you do the dishes?" It seems that one of the tracks in her mind is a constant to-do list; and it can be incredibly frustrating. "Hey, you're supposed to be paying attention to the movie!" or "Weren't you listening at all?"

What this means for you: He may jump from topic to topic in a conversation, which could be incredibly frustrating for you. He may be forgetful sometimes, and sometimes this may hurt your feelings, especially if it was something important to you that he forgot. It's just as painful for him when he realizes he inadvertantly hurt you. It may mean that you have to take care of little daily details, remind him of things, sometimes pull him back on track when his mind wanders...But remember it can also be incredibly fun just to sit there and have a huge discussion and go off on ten different tangents. He isn't a child, though, so don't make him feel like one. He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself without you, so don't feel like you have to be nit-picky and controlling; help him find his glasses but don't make him feel stupid for forgetting where he put them, okay?

Emotional Flooding: I'm splitting what's known as "flooding" up, mostly because emotional flooding is incredibly hard to explain, and even harder to explain to someone without ADD. The closest I can come is an analogy, and it might seem like a crude one, but it's all I have right now.

If you're a woman who is familiar with orgasm, you know that immediately after orgasm your clitoris is incredibly sensitive, to the point when almost any touch is painful. Say your clitoris, as it normally is, represents a normal state of happiness. Someone who is flooding may have happiness taken to the extreme, to where it is no longer a good feeling but now it's painful. Now imagine you're feeling not only happiness, but sadness at the same time, both taken to a painful extreme.

It gets worse. Suppose it's not only the emotions you're feeling right now, but also emotions from the past, brought up full force and also heightened to painful extremes. Sometimes they're not even related emotions, suppose you're feeling every emotion at once, past and present, all of them sharply painful. It's not the emotions themselves that are painful, although some may be inherently, but it's the level to which they are taken that is painful. And you can't escape. You can't turn them off, you can't run away from them. While you can make sure nothing is touching your clitoris, you can't stop the emotions.

So how do you react to something like this? A quote: ""Flooded people" are hurting, and often are as scared of the strength of their emotions as the people around them. The flooding may trigger a number of responses, even the most basic survival instinct of "fight or flight". The flooded individual may almost go into a panic state as he desperately tries to overcome the situation. At this point, the ADDer is dealing with much more than simply the situation at hand. His defense mechanisms are in full use, fueled by memories and expectations. He is literally fighting against the past, present and possible future all at the same time. He can't understand why others aren't as upset as he- to him, they obviously "just don't get it"."

Frequency and extent of emotional flooding depends on the person. How he deals with it also varies, from person to person and from flood to flood. Keep in mind that I have only spoken to one person who experiences this, so things may be different with your loved one.

What this means for you: It will almost certainly be painful for you, not only to watch the person you love go through this, but also feeling helpless to do anything to make him feel better. "In extreme cases, the reaction of the flooded ADDer may become unpredictable and even frightening. As he deals with emotional panic, what little impulse control he may have had under normal conditions soon becomes even less."

"Emotional flooding causes the person to "push away the pain", be it from a person or a situation; whether it be real or imagined." This sometimes means that he might try to push you away. This does not necessarily mean that you caused the flooding, or even that you did anything wrong. If you think that, wait until he's not flooding to ask him.

The most important thing to get across about this, and indeed about the whole of ADD, is communication. Discuss emotional flooding with your loved one, ask him what it is he needs from you when you find yourselves in that situation. Sometimes he might need to be alone; when he asks you to leave him alone, he means it: sometimes the presence of other people can make it worse. Sometimes toward the end he might want snuggling; if one of the flooding emotions is anger, snuggling probably wouldn't be appropriate. When it's over, he might be both physically and emotionally exhausted. I cannot stress enough that you need to discuss this with him and find out from him what you should do or not do when he is flooding. I can't tell you what to do, I'm not your loved one. I do recommend that you keep a level head and do what he asks to make it easier on him. As scary and painful as watching someone you love go through emotional flooding is to you, it's hell for him.

Flooding: There are other kinds of flooding. Have you ever lain awake at night, your mind churning, unable to fall asleep because you're thinking about the events of the day, or what you need to do tomorrow, and you can't seem to shut your brain up long enough to doze off? This seems almost like a heightened form of that; a flood of thoughts and ideas. Almost like a constant brainstorm, only huge and sprawling and impossible to take the time to sort lest you forget something.

The best examples I can give of some of these are quotes. "As I write this, I am flooding with ideas for this book. New topics, ways to rewrite (again!) sections I have already completed, what color the cover is going to be, and more. There is no way I can type fast enough to get these ideas down. Even if I were speaking, I would not be able to speak quickly enough to get it all out."

"At first glance, this high volume of ideas and information would appear to be helpful to a writer. But please remember that our little ADD addled brains have an extremely difficult time prioritizing information. There seems to be a snowballing effect. Once the flooding begins, it isn't very selective. What could be a blessing of a high level of ideas and energy instead becomes a draining struggle to maintain focus through an ever thickening cloud of thoughts. Even relevant ideas become a distraction, as the fear of losing something before getting it down increases. Many times, this mental hyperactivity will result in little or no productive work at all."

"[This flooding] of ideas comes from within. And, while you can exit a room or end a conversation, making any kind of easy exit from this internal flood is difficult. ADDers will often go to bed physically exhausted, yet unable to shut off the ideas and get to sleep. He feels pulled apart, torn between the need for sleep and the unrelenting march which demands he goes on. ADDers will typically stay awake until they literally are about to drop."

What this means for you: Not being able to get a restful night's sleep may make him irritable, and the flood may be frustrating to him because he can't get everything down fast enough. He may seem like he has a lot of mental energy at first, and when it's over he may be tired. Be patient and understanding; ask him to tell you when he's flooding so that if he becomes irritable you know what's going on. See if a tape recorder helps if he doesn't already have one; writing takes too long.

Hyperfocus: Again, the best way I can think to describe this is to quote directly. The author does such a good job :)

"Imagine yourself adrift in a stormy sea. What is the one think you want more than anything? Unless you are an ADDer who really enjoys high risk behaviors, you would probably be praying for some kind of port, or anchor, or something to attach yourself to."

"An ADDer craves to have focus. Because our neurology has put us adrift and out of control, we seek something to tie ourselves to. This is why, on those occasions when we do achieve sustained focus, we get so irritable when we get interrupted. We live in a world of mental butterflies, all appealing, all in motion. When we finally do catch one, we want to hang on to it. Sometimes, you feel like crying because somebody just comes along and smashes your butterfly!"

"So it is with hyper-focus. Catching a butterfly, achieving and maintaining focus, is a precious moment. I want to cherish that feeling, to gorge myself on it. I am a much happier person at these times. It becomes all I want to do. My job, my family and my health all become secondary considerations, if they are even considered at all."

"My family, however, does not share this state of focused bliss. My wife cannot understand why I come to bed at 1 a.m. and get up at 5, or 4, in the morning. My children can't appreciate that I can't go out to play. This presents a problem. The joy that I find in these times is diminished by the realization that I am disappointing those around me. Once again, ADD snatches defeat from the jaws of victory!"

"The real down side of this condition is the emotional crash that comes when the project is over. Often there is a deep depression as everyone is congratulating a job well done. The joy that others find in accomplishment is diminished for the ADDer by the pain of the realization that its back to the butterfly field. Again, the family is effected. Mom and the kids want to go celebrate. "Dad's back! What ever was so important is finished! Hurray for Dad!" Meanwhile, Dad is mourning his loss."

"Hyper-focus is one of the confusing paradoxes (paradoxi?- does that sound like twin Dachshunds?) of ADD. While the individual exhibits a true lack of focus most of the time, scanning and blinking his way through conversations and work, he is fully capable of "Hyper- focus" at other times."

"This really infuriates uninformed teachers, spouses, and others, and can turn even a positive effort into a negative experience. How many students have heard "I knew you could do it if you really tried." Why not just stop at "I knew you could do it!"? Or "I wish you would work this hard on everything" Trust me. The ADDer wishes he could, too. Or the ever popular "If you would work like this all the time you wouldn't have so many problems." (Like I'm so stupid that I don't already know that.) The list goes on and on. My personal favorite is "You just need more discipline!" Feeling literally trapped, the ADDer experiences as much condemnation for completing a task as he does for walking away."

I think that pretty much sums it up, don't you? He finally gets focused on something, VERY focused, then it's gone. To add insult to the injury of whatever it is he was focused on being over, he feels chided for not being able to focus on other things, as if it were something he can turn on and off.

What this means for you: You and I are more or less able to turn our focus on and off. He can't. When he becomes hyperfocused, it may feel like you don't even exist anymore to him. At times, he may be like the absent-minded professor, always in his lab, blinking at you when you ask him a question. You may find yourself, from time to time, feeling underappreciated, unimportant, and that may hurt and be frustrating.

But look at it this way: think of something you love to do, something you hate to be interrupted at. I love to read; I absolutely despise being interrupted when I'm completely engrossed in a new Laurell K. Hamilton book. I'm disappointed when there are no more words to read; and often I'm starving because nothing else matters when I'm reading, not even food. If you look at it from his perspective, it really isn't all that bad because you know what a toned down version is like, right? And it's certainly not personal; he doesn't intend to make you feel like he doesn't know you exist anymore. Be patient and he'll come out of hyperfocus eventually.

Meanwhile, make sure he takes care of himself. Even an interruption to get him to eat can be incredibly distracting. Yet another quote: "I would just deposit food near him, and he'll probably notice it himself. I've found that when I'm hyperfocusing on a web design project, sometimes I'll come out of hyperfocus to find a plate next to me that's obviously had food on it. [My father] apparently comes in and leaves a hamburger or sandwich or something for me, and I eat it without noticing."

Deeper meanings: Okay, so I'm big on quotes right now; my sources write well. A person with ADD will "tend to look past what is there and ask "What does this mean" or "What is he really saying?" This tendency to look for "deeper meaning" also means that the ADDer, when focused, will be very sensitive to nuances, innuendoes and implication."

"You look very nice today."

"Thank you." (But he thinks): Did I not look nice yesterday? I have been kind of dressing down lately; I wonder if that was a hint. Or maybe a complaint. Will that show up on my next evaluation? What makes the way I look today any different than the way I look everyday? Better find out....

What this means for you: It means that sometimes what you say may not be what is heard, and this is true for anyone, not only people with ADD. Discuss this with him also, and let him know that he can always ask for clarification, and when he does ask for clarification, don't get defensive. He isn't trying to take offense, and if you both become comfortable with asking and giving clarification with little things, the larger more important things will become easier. It all goes back to communication, which I cannot stress enough is the most important thing.

Busy, busy, busy... There are several factors which contribute to this practically constant state of being busy, many of them I've mentioned here separately. One of these factors is his ability to get easily distracted.

"An ADDer may enter the kitchen with the intention of making of making a sandwich for the kids. As he walks to the stove, he sees a bottle of Pepsi on the counter and decides to have a drink. As he is pouring, he sees the morning paper and starts to read. Maybe he spies an open bag of chips to munch on. He then carries the drink, chips and paper to the table to read but can't sit down because there is unfolded laundry in the chair (how did that get here?!). He then begins folding laundry, but first calls a friend to talk to while doing this arduous chore. After dialing, he notices that the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, so he begins to unload the dishwasher. Thirty minutes later, when the kids come in and ask for lunch, he will start this process over again."

Another contributing factor would be his difficulty prioritizing his time and energy; it's not only sensory input he may have trouble sorting. This goes hand in hand with distractability in some ways, as in the example above. This also means he may be somewhat overbooked with commitments and appointments and Things He Must Do; he may overextend himself with his time and money and energy more quickly than most other people.

He may have several different projects going on at once, in various stages of incompletion. "They tend to work best when there is a lot going on, provided they don't overload and max out. By having several projects going at once, the ADDer is making the most of his tendency to be easily distracted. The fast paced, packed schedule of this type of individual allows him to spend a little time with each task- not enough to get bored with any one operation. To the casual observer, it may seem that the overall productivity of the ADDer would rise if he would learn to do only one thing at a time. But this type of highly motivated ADDer actually does perform best when he is going from task to task. By "stacking" his work in such a way that when one thing is finished there are five more to take its place, the ADDer is able to avoid some of his "completion anxiety"."

Sometimes, though, he can't seem to get anything done. There are reasons for this as well. "With so many projects going at once, the ADDer has trouble giving adequate time and attention to any one of them. He is also likely to get distracted at any time and never get back to the original purpose of what he was working on...Remember that sometimes, either consciously or on an unconscious level, an ADDer does not want the project to be over and will avoid completion."

What this means for you: It means he'll be...busy sometimes. It means that sometimes you may have to remind him to cut back a little on the things he's agreed to do, and excluding hyperfocus, make sure he takes care of himself and gets enough rest. It also means that sometimes you may feel a little left out, or as though you have to make an appointment to even be able to spend time with him. He may have trouble getting organized in some things; you can help out with that if you're both agreeable.

Risk: Someone with ADD may crave stimulation. "High risk equals high stimulation, and high stim equals (you guessed it) high focus. Driving your car 90 mph is a focused experience. There may even be biological reasons for these dangerous activities, as chemicals produced by the brain flood through us in times of such high stimulation."

"Sadly, these high risk behaviors often include substance abuse. ADDers tend to have more problems with addictive behaviors than most. Some of these addictions are crude attempts at self medication, with the goal not of ADD management, but simply to take away the pain of failure and frustration. Some are simply thrill seeking experiments gone bad."

Does this mean that everyone with ADD takes drugs and speeds recklessly, maybe even gambles? Of course not. It does mean that some people with ADD crave stimulation, take what some of us might call excessive risks.

What this means for you: Obviously, if he has a problem with drugs or gambling or the like, talk to him and seek professional help for the both of you; remember that if he has a problem like that you're also affected. If he speeds while driving, discuss that with him. Let him know you're uncomfortable with that, not only when you and/or children are in the car, but because he is in the car. Speeding is dangerous, even when he's alone in the car; let him know you don't want to lose him to something as stupid as an automobile accident. Just remember he may not hold the same concern for his own safety as you do.

Time: Some people with ADD have trouble being on time for things, have trouble with deadlines and the like. "Most folks can anticipate expected events and can gauge how far into the future these events will occur by using a clock or a calendar. Such prioritizing is precisely what the ADD brain is not designed to do. As Dr. Ed Hallowell said "Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADD, this does not happen. Time becomes a black hole. To the person who has ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once."

"The ADDer simply does not have the ability to accurately judge distances where time is concerned. He has a poorer short term memory than most people, which can make recent memories "feel" like memories of long ago, and vice-versa...He even has trouble estimating how much time has past during an activity, especially in hyper-focus."

What this means for you: Remember that this isn't something he can help, either. When you're dressed and ready to go out one night, he may still be sitting at the computer in his pajamas. Be patient with him; remind him of the time when you need to, but try not to nag.

Insecurity: "The ADDer often puts less faith in himself than do those around him. Because of his low self-esteem, he is usually genuinely surprised to discover how much influence he has in the opinions and even lives of others. He may not understand why someone would love him, and is therefore doubtful that they really do. He doubts that many ideas he may have could be useful."

"You hear ADDers say "I don't know" a lot when asked how something happened or why they did something. Often they really don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time... This lack of a cause and effect relationship between effort and reward, behavior and punishment, and other inconsistencies casts a pall of doubt over the decision making process. Because his judgment has gotten him in trouble so many times, he probably doesn't trust it himself."

What this means for you: Be sensitive. What you say and do can affect him negatively, without you even realizing it. Remember that he may have always heard negative things concerning his behavior, even just the way he is, from people who don't know any better:
"Weren't you listening?"
"I wish you'd just concentrate; I know you're not stupid, so stop acting like it."
"Can't you ever be on time?"
"Pay attention!"
"Can't you do anything right?"
"I can't even trust you to finish the laundry! What's wrong with you?"
"You're driving me crazy with all this mess...can't you ever get organized?"
"You've lost your car keys again?! I swear, it's like I have to babysit you..."

Is it any wonder he might feel insecure? That he "may not understand why someone would love him, and is therefore doubtful that they really do?" Is it any wonder that he probably doesn't trust his own judgement? Any one of the above may be something people say without even thinking about it, in a moment of irritation. Be patient, and be sensitive, okay? Remember that he's probably been berated over and over for things he can't help. Reassure him that yes, you love him, and not only that, you love him just the way he is. Because, face it, you do, otherwise you wouldn't even be here, reading this page to try to better understand his ADD. Show him that you love and appreciate him. All of him.

Respiratory problems: "While asthma is not an emotion and probably not even related to ADD in a biological sense, it is noteworthy that there is a higher occurrence of asthma among people who have ADD. (Hallowell & Ratey, "Answers to Distraction", p 214) I have it, a lot of my friends have it, and several books on ADD mention this connection as well. This is important because some of the medications used to treat asthma can cause inattention. Check with your doctor or pharmacist to make sure you are taking the best medication for you. Also, ADDers are more prone to engage in high risk behaviors which may cause injury or other health problems. We forget to take medicines. We stay up too late too often."

What this means for you: Well, I think basically the author of the quote says it all: if your loved one has a respiratory problem, check with your doctor about the medication he may be taking. If he has other health problems, too, help remind him to take his medicine, and make sure he takes care of himself.

Routines: "Because his own neurology has made his life somewhat unpredictable, unstructured and very unstable, the ADDer prefers situations and procedures which are routine and structured. At first glance, this may appear to contradict the notion that ADDers prefer spontaneity and originality. However, a deeper understanding of creativity in general and the creative ADDer specifically recognizes that structure and spontaneity go hand in hand...Often, lack of structure itself becomes a distraction, as the ADDer gets lost in thoughts of what might happen next."

"In adults with ADD, this predictability becomes a two edged sword. On the one hand, the ADDer seeks the comfort of a predictable life. On the other, he often despises the "rut" that his life becomes. In the mind of an ADDer, a path soon becomes a rut, which eventually deepens to become a grave. Yet he craves the comfort of the familiar path."

So basically, he craves stability and structure, yet too much and he feels like he's trapped. This is a tricky line to walk, I think.

What this means for you: It means that there is the possibility of your relationship with him becoming a "rut" that he may feel the need to escape. Talk to him about this possibility. Communication, again, is important, especially here. Spice up your sex life, try new things. Change the routine every once in a while; do something spontaneous. Keep the comforting stability, just switch things up a bit every now and then. Just remember that the responsibility to keep things "alive" isn't only yours; it belongs to you both.

In more general terms, he may begin to feel as though his life has become a rut. Although this is something he really has to work out for himself, be supportive and understanding if he suddenly decides he wants to move or change jobs or buy a shiny new car...hey, this resembles mid-life-crisis on the outside, doesn't it?

ADDing it all up: (Aren't you proud of me? I made that up myself *grin*)

If you put all of these characteristics together, and looking only at these characteristics rather than at the person, you may end up with something less than a flattering picture.

I mean, think about it. This is a person who will never listen to you, will always be messy and forgetting things and who can't seem to finish anything or get anywhere on time. He'll ignore you if he's really into something...he'll have quick, intense mood swings and be incredibly sensitive at times with emotional flooding...and he'll read an insult into every compliment you give him. He'll always be paying attention to everything but you, and even then the way he gets distracted he'll notice the cellulite and your tummy pooch rather than your glowing eyes, and you may feel like number 112 on his list of priorities. He won't be able to sleep, eat or otherwise take care of himself, and he'll probably get you killed speeding down the highway at 90 mph when he blinks. Oh, and let's not forget insecure and heaven forbid you get into a rut; he may just run off with a busty blonde stewardess...

A little bit of reality here, please. Give him some credit, okay? To be completely honest, after reading this page you may have some fears and insecurities of your own. This is why I've written this page, not only to help you understand your loved one's ADD, but also how it affects you. Discuss with your loved one which of these aspects he as an individual experiences, and to what extent. Come up with practical ways to work around things that may cause misunderstandings; it'll make both your lives easier.

What this means for you: So...reading through here, you'd think you must be Mother Theresa to deal with all this, right? Some kind of perfect angel who always makes everything sweet and light and happy and never does anything wrong, right?

No. In reality, no matter how much one would like to be perfect and patient and understanding and kind and...nominated for sainthood...Let's face it: we aren't always at our best and most understanding. We're only human.

So you may have to remind him of the time and find Lost Things and make sure he takes care of himself and be sensitive to his needs and generally be the person keeping life in order. You may sometimes feel underappreciated, unimportant, taken for granted, unrecognized for your efforts...and you may even experience burnout sometimes, especially if you have children; feeling as though you're drowning in responsibility. So what do you do?

Let's all say it together now...Discuss it with him! Don't be afraid to speak up to let him know if you feel like you're being taken for granted. Tell him when you need a time-out or if you just need to be alone for a while. If he's been overbooked and you've been busy and you've barely seen each other for two weeks, arrange for a night to yourselves. Put a box or a table by the door for things that need to be taken when he goes to work/school. Find little ways to make life easier for the both of you.

Remember that a lot of the responsibilities you may take upon yourself can be shared. He probably took care of himself for years before meeting you; he can still do it. He is not incompetent, he is not a child, he is not stupid or incapable or inept. He is not a walking disaster you're going to have to take care of and clean up after like you would a two year old. He is none of these things, so don't treat him like he is.

He is the same person you have always loved, and his ADD is only a part of who he is. Understanding it doesn't mean you should be afraid of it; it means you should have a better understanding for the way he sees the world, and why he's sometimes irritable and sensitive and shy. It also means that you can help make it easier for him to live with. Even just making something like blinking an open, comfortable thing for him probably helps greatly, cutting down on his embarassment and frustration.

Keep things in perspective: you're not becoming a martyr and he isn't being reduced to toddler status. Never forget that he can't help these things, and above all never, ever assume that he doesn't care. In my SO's opinion, the most painful thing about his ADD is the fact that he ends up hurting people unintentionally because it seems as though he doesn't care. There are times when he's blinked in a conversation and someone asked in a hurt tone, "Weren't you paying attention?" and he's at a loss for words because his heartfelt "No, but I wish I was" doesn't exactly come out right. Also, remember that you have your own limitations and a voice; speak up.

Everything, and I mean everything, comes back to communication. Ask questions, and if you don't understand, ask more questions. Treat him well, and afford yourself the same. Prevent misunderstandings, and if there has been one do your best to try and clear it up as quickly as possible. Feels like he doesn't care? Or like you've been relegated to the background? Speak up. He can't read your mind, and you can't read his.

Credits: There are two main places I quoted from. One has disappeared from the net, as websites sometimes do, and the other is here. There are some other articles you may find interesting as well; one is from the point of view of a woman managing a household that includes a husband and children who have ADD. Another interesting article is A day in the life of an ADDmirable woman. My SO, Wildsong, also has an ADD page; I'll post the link when he finishes.

Do you have questions, comments, or suggestions? Please feel free to email me and make sure the subject has "ADD" in it.
Thank you.