In Pursuit of The Iraq National Championship

Sergeant Sumner and the Boys Get Set for the Inaugural Fatty "Somewhere in Iraq"

IRAQ - We ain't in Kansas...or Georgia...anymore.
Here's how the boys stack up in the pre-tournament rankings for the one and only Fat Bastard Iraq National Tournament:
2004 Fat Bastard Iraq National Rankings
1. CREAM & CLEAR. Craig "Siskel" Proaps (Meridian, MS), Nick "the other" White "meat" (Swartz Creek, MI). Going undefeated for 10 months, Proaps leads the team heavily favored to win it all. Teaming up with the wild rookie White - who is fresh off suspension for temper tantrums and what he has called " a whole bunch of people who just be hatin' "- was a shocking move, since playing against White is probably why he's gone undefeated. It does make for an explosive combination - consistent play from Proaps will win them some games, from White we can expect either a sharpie in the pocket or a demand for a recount.
2. THE BALLS OF ST. MARY. Trey "The Bookie" Sumner (Grand Rapids, MI), "Reverand" Matt Parham (Hernando, MS). Having already been pegged the Pete Rose of the competition, rumor has it that Sumner has ranked his own team second in order to get longer odds against winning and recouping some money bet on his ill-fated Chicago Bears. Speculation is that he brought in Parham, recent Bronze Star recipient, to aid in P.R. and lend credibility to his team. Parham's squeeky clean rep has been recently questioned when he was overheard whispering to Sumner "if the spread don't fit, we've got to throw it!".
3. BLIND MONKEYS CAN'T SEE IN THE SUN. George "Jorge" Firn (Ypsilanti, MI), Ricky "I'm not mad!" Lacoste (Meridian, MS). This team personifies dualism...pairing Firn - the tall, clean cut, soft spoken Eagle scout with the short, heavily tatooed, foul mouthed, trouble maker Lacoste. These guys will do well if Firn can keep Lacoste from cussing out or getting into a fight with another team or any passing stranger. Firn was dissappointed that he couldn't use the exact replica bat he whittled last week, but Lacoste has vowed to use it anyway on the first guy named White, Sumner or Kuzma who pisses him off.
4. SLIMY, SLEAZY, CHEAP & EASY. Chris "King" Kuzma (Dearborn, MI), Brian "I'm-only-on-this-team-becuase-he-ordered-me-to" Southerland (Fenton, MI). Internal conflicts are the predicted demise of this team. They'll probably spend most of their time heckling each other. Individually they are solid players - you will see the secret love child of Madalyn Murray O'hare and Pat Buchanan appear on Letterman before these two will work together constructively. A likely scenerio is: Southerland strikes out, Kuzma cusses him out and orders him to do pushups, Southerland gets mad and dumps a bottle of visine into Kuzma's coffee, rendering him useless and causing a forfiet. Kuzma is stuck in the latrine for the rest of the day and makes $10 living up to his team name.
5. MISSISSIPPI YANKEES. Joe "Big Stick" Bass (Meridian, MS), Steward "Stew" Wenino (St. Claire, MI). The dark horse team - not much is known about them except that Wenino is bald and - to quote a long time friend of Bass's, "God played the biggest joke in the world on the rest of us when he gave that thang to a goofy looking goombah like Bass". Barring drastic changes to the rules on legal equipment, Bass will be unable to utililize his greatest assest. He had comments on this, but no one could understand him. Wenino is taking this seriously and has already threatened to make anyone who beats his team move in with Mr. Lowery and fly with Mr. Tupa for the remainder of the deployment.
6. BRAD AND JANET. Todd "Brad" Fitzpatrick (East Lansing, MI), Eric "Janet" Tupa (Marquette Federal Penitentiary, MI). Represtenting the Officer's of the unit, Todd and Eric both hail from Michigan. They first met 9 years ago in an internet chat room while Todd was studying at MSU (Major: Animal Husbandry Minor: Dance Theory) and Eric was working at ROOSTERS, a "gentleman's" club in San Fran. They've been roommates ever since. Neither possesses any knowledge of the game or athletic skill - they were railroaded into playing so that when we get caught betting on the games, we can blame it on the officers who were in the tournament. Also, we hope that CPT Fitz will put us all in for awards afterwards.
7. THE OTHER TEAM. Christopher "Superman" Reeve (New York, NY), Helen "I Can See Clearly Now" Keller (Tuscumbia, AL). This team was added just so that there would be a team worthy of ranking lower than the officers (they're sensitive, we didn't want to hurt their feelings). There is no disrespect meant towards the dead - we were forced to pick two who had passed away for fear that our original choices, Muhammad Ali and Ozzy, might actually show up and beat them.
8. DEAD MONEY. Jonathon "LL" Ott (Meridian, MS), John "Lezley" Cummings (Kemper County, MS). This unfortunate team has been ranked below the team of dead people because, despite solid hitting skills - neither can pitch, and are expected to lose their first game, depsite the late substitution of Ott for Row, which definitely improves their chances. Everyone is excited to see how well Cummings can play while carrying approximately 28 lbs of knives he constantly wears in case he runs into his nemisis, Brett Favre. He's down with O-T-T and as the only team entirely from Mississippe, they'll be rallyling around the confedrate...err...Mississippi flag to a victory or two.